Fed up of my cousins comments about benefits and UC

[glassor2]

I’m a single mum of two kids, ages 13 and 5. My older son has a relationship with his dad, but my younger son’s dad moved away a couple of years ago and doesn’t see him often-usually once or twice a year. He doesn’t provide any financial support, and since he moves around for work (he used to live in Canada and now lives in Australia), it has been challenging to get child maintenance to chase him.

I work 3-4 days a week (sometimes more if there’s overtime available) and receive a top up from UC. My mum occasionally helps with child care, but she also has a full time job. It can be difficult handling everything on my own, but I manage.

Anyway, I have a family member I'm quite close to, and she often makes comments, not aimed at me, but towards people who claim UC. For example, she mentioned that it's unfair for her to pay almost £300 a month in tax while others can work part time and avoid paying anything (I don’t earn enough to pay tax) and that she has to pay more to subsidise the people that don't. She even told the entire family that she pays almost £400 a month, including national insurance, which made things awkward and nobody knew what to say.

From what I know, she doesn't earn a huge wage, so I can see why it would be frustrating for her to have to pay that much. It's a lot of money. However, it's not our fault, and if she's upset, her anger should be directed at the government, not at those who are rightfully claiming.

Everyone’s situation is different, and some people need help. I never chose to be a single parent, and I can't control the fact that my ex chose to leave and decided not to support his child financially. I'm doing my best, just like many others on UC are.

I don't think she's intentionally trying to upset me, but she is.

AIBU? How do I tackle this?

This is a horrible thread.
@glassor2 please ignore your cousin and the nasty people on this thread.
You are doing what you can.
💐

I should add for the record that it's abhorrent that the fathers of OPs kids can essentially just opt out and not provide any form of financial assistance

We suppressed wages in this country, something that has been possible at the bottom end of the wage scale because of government credits, which make it possible for people to survive on wages that are below the living wage. She’s whinging about something while being in a wage bracket that means she doesn’t pay much tax. There are plenty of people paying far more.

@glassor2 my husband at 72 is still working nearly full time. still paying tax. to keep people like you in UC!! I am 70 and also still paying a whack of tax!!

Yes there are and always will be.

That's a ridiculous, non point. Do you think private landlords shouldn't get rent?

Indeed. I’ve had to drop work many times to pick up a sick child / take one to hospital in an emergency. I literally do not have the option to ask anyone else. I have worked my way up in my career but not as fast as I wanted. It’s very different being a single parent than sharing it with a partner who you can do 50% of those things with.

How noble of him, does he hand over 100% of his salary to the taxman then?

Not from the taxpayer - there should be enough social housing to not need private landlords. Taxes shouldn’t pay for people’s profit.

You have to be earning over approximately 41k to be a net contributor. I’m guessing most of the assholes on this thread aren’t. I am by a wide margin and I think OP should breathe deep and ignore the bitter nastiness on here. I am sorry OP.

Yes it's really expensive, even for people getting the "free" hours from the Govt. Part of the reason for that is over-subsidising childcare to begin with. If everyone had to pay for it, it would be significantly cheaper

I think her and your anger needs to be directed at men who become fathers but don’t believe they should pay for their children.
Perhaps if we could get them to cough up the benefits bill wouldn’t be so high.

It's the father's that piss off and not pay that people should be getting at. OP you are doing what you can.

What should she do with her children then? Give them up to the state? Because that's cheap isn't it.....oh wait. It will probably cost waaaaay more to have them in care 🤔🙄

Why on earth not ? We’re supposed to be a supportive forum. Why wouldn’t we want to help from any collective experience ?

Minimum wage, school hours, also could be term time only.

This.

Surely there must be things we can learn from other countries about getting feckless parents - usually men, let’s face it - to actually pay for the offspring they’ve created.

Thank you for noting that.

Whenever this is discussed on here usually women end up getting blamed for making poor choices.

Not long ago I started a thread asking if I should report my exh for benefit fraud and most people said no and didn’t believe me when I said my exh doesn’t pay maintenance. So it was fine for a man to get £800 in benefits with a six figure lump sum in the bank and have his kids EOW but it’s not ok for me to claim £200 a month towards childcare so I can work 30 hours a week as the resident parent.

Because she’s still getting off her backside and going to work for the limited time her circumstances allow? People on mumsnet seem distinctly lacking in empathy @glassor2 when it comes to those who have to resort to using the benefit system that was designed to help the less fortunate, even tho it was previously working tax credits, now that it comes under the umbrella of UC with JSA etc they like to look down on claimants. God help any of them if they need to resort to living on it. However for your issue, do what makes you happy regarding your job. You will have to do it every day for a long time if it feels like the new one will be better then go for it. I wish you luck either way x

working to live!!

You’re both still working JUST to support Universal Credit ?! Impressive

As a society we all contribute to the things that help us all. This includes the NHS, education and schools, defence, the police and fire service, road and rail building, upkeep of national parks, support for the arts, benefits for those who have less and the infrastructure that supports all of that.

We pay what we can afford, according to our income, and we pay disproportionately via VAT and council tax. I paid about £20,000 in income tax etc in 2024-25, and nothing on 2025-26.

Tell your cousin that unless she is prepared to pay privately for her health and the fire service, she should shut up. If benefits and UC are not paid to families like yours, then your children and others will grow up hungry and ill and poorly educated. They will be less able to work themselves and then pay their own tax in time.

Tell her also that unless she is prepared to set up an organisation to campaign for absent fathers to pay their way and be unable to walk away from their children, then she should shut up. What’s more, how does she know she won’t require benefits herself?

We all contribute, even when we buy a chocolate bar. We all benefit, every time we don’t have to put out our own fires, or stop and clear the road after an accident.

It’s called society. It benefits communities, our communities and unless she wants to end up spending thousands on top of high insurance premiums for healthcare, she should STFU.

Genuine question for those that think OP should just get a higher paying job, what do you think a serious path for that would be? How do you go about getting one of these higher paying jobs (the average pay where I am is 35k) and then who fills the lower paid roles? If everyone 'just got a higher paying job' would there not be a shortage in roles that are vital? A carer isnt going to be a net contributor. Neither is your local shop keeper. Or the person that cleans your kids school or cooks their lunches.

And no, i am not on any benefits myself.

Well you must be earning it to pay it as the basic state pension isn’t enough to pay tax on. OP is working. She gets UC because wealthy employers pay shit wages on which their employees can’t make ends meet. So the tax payer is effectively footing their wages bill. Same with landlords. They charge exorbitant rents that ordinary hard working people can’t afford, so again UC foots the bill. The fact that you choose to blame the claimants instead of the people who are actually causing the problem says more about your entitlement as a boomer than it ever will about the OP.

The point is that people will bleat on about protecting "taxpayers money" when they think someone lower than them on the metaphorical ladder is benefiting from something but it's suddenly all fair and square if it's someone equal to them is benefiting from that same money. Hence PP's point about subsidised childcare being considered to be fine and my point about the housing element.