Birthday Invite Dilemma

[DayOfSummer]

I don’t want to say which person I am as I want honest opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Lucy and Amy have been friends for a few years, they used to work together but now live an hour apart. Lucy has a 5 year old, Amy has an 8 year old. They meet up a few times a year and the children get on well despite the age gap.

About a month ago Lucy invited Amy’s child to her child’s 6th birthday which is at the end of September. She said to rsvp by the end of August. This was via what’s app and Amy replied “sounds great, thank you, I’ve put it on the calendar”

Today Lucy receives a message from Amy saying she’s sorry but her child has been invited to another party for one of her best friends (a classmate) on the same date and she really wants to go to that one, she says hopefully she has given Lucy enough notice.

Even though it’s before the RSVP date, Lucy has told her child that Amy’s child is coming to her party and now she’s disappointed.

YABU = Lucy shouldn’t have revoked her positive RSVP in favour of another party.
YANBU = Lucy gave plenty of notice and it’s fine

Amy should be teaching her child that we honour our commitments, not that we drop them whenever something better comes along. She's in the wrong here

I think its fine for her to go back on her RSVP. Why would any 8 year old want to miss her best friends birthday party to attend that of a 5 year old, where presumably she won't really know anyone?

It’s unfortunate and that’s all it is. I think that nine weeks notice is perfectly acceptable, what’s difficult is explaining to Lucy’s child, but kids get sick and don’t make it to birthdays sometimes. If enough people are there on Lucy’s kid’s birthday to make her feel special then that’s all there is to it isn’t there?

I'd usually say to honour the one you RSVP to but since it's so far in advance and the child would probably rather go to the other one I can understand it.

But I think Amy agreed on behalf of her child unless I have misunderstood? So it’s not the child flaking out on an agreement.

Amy is perfectly right here. Why would an 8yo want to miss her friends birthday for a 6yo. Sounds like Lucy is pushing the friendship more than her child’s interests.

3 years is a massive age gap when you're that young, personally I think that Amy is correct in prioritising her DD best friends party. Especially knowing the politics at that age.

Who made the commitment? The mother or the child?

Normally I would say honour the first invite but I think she should let the child choose in this instance. At 8 birthday parties are more important for social bonding between friends.

Sometimes the relationship between people does trump what’s the right thing to do. E.g if my work friend had a 60th party but then I found out my MILs 60th was on the same weekend, I’d pick MIL.

Hmm I would have hedged it a bit if I were Amy tbh – RSVP by end of August is quite a while away anyway. Presumably she knows that her DD's best friend's birthday is about the same time as Lucy's DD's party?

I can see why an 8yo would rather go to her best mate's party than the party for a younger DC she sees a few times a year. Younger is not such an issue tbh (DD has had lots of younger (and older) friends across the years, mostly bc of a shared activity like Brownies or drama or band) but the distance is an issue. Might be time to expect the DC to move away from each other as the older one moves towards more independence.

In terms of etiquette – well if I had committed I think I would still back out if I were Amy. Sorry Op.

Best friend's birthday obviously beats your mum's friends daughter's birthday. Especially when the latter is so much younger.

I'm guessing you're Lucy.

Absolutely nothing wrong with this and plenty of notice given too.

It's like not going to a work colleague or neighbour's party because family or best friend have an event on the same day

That was way too early to issue the 1st invite. I think it's fine, of course she will prioritise her daughter's best friends party

I think Amy has done right by her child. Her child and Lucy's are forced 'friends' due to A and L's friendship, and while they get on well enough, it would be doubtful the older children would pick the younger girls party over her own friend. If Amy forced the first party on her child she would be doing so in the interests of her own friendship, not for her child's benefit. I think Amy has given sufficient notice and I think not going is reasonable and that Lucy should understand. If I were Amy I'd suggest a day out for the girls to celebrate the birthday another time.

Have you got Amy and Lucy mixed up at the end of your post OP, wasn’t it Amy who revoked their positive RSVP?

Anyway, I think it’s fine to do that but hope Amy at least offered to arrange an alternative meet up to soften the blow!

If yes, I change my guess! Confused

Yes sorry! Amy revoked the invite.

YABU = Amy shouldn’t have revoked her positive RSVP in favour of another party.
YANBU = Amy gave plenty of notice and it’s fine

I’m Amy. Feeling awful as Lucy has replied “DC is absolutely gutted” with a sad face. I did offer to do something else instead on another date and said I’d bring cake but she didn’t respond to that part of my message. It’s a shame if I lose a friend over this but I’m glad to see most people think it was the right thing to do for my DD. I did ask my DD at the time of the invite if she wanted to go to Lucy’s child’s birthday party and she sort of shrugged and said “Ok” I should have taken that as a no.

(bracing myself for everyone to say I’m the worst person ever now I’ve revealed who I am!)

I think you’ve handled it fine - yes it is disappointing for a short time - but you’ve tried to make amends and as I said, it’s unfortunate.

Also I think people put a lot of stock in birthday parties for younger children that they definitely won’t ever remember. She’s not going to be scarred for life!

You 100% did the right thing. No way would I insist that one of mine attended a party of someone so much younger where they'll likely not know anyone and miss their best friends birthday. If Lucy cant see that then I think thats on her.

I don’t think it’s fair to hold an 8 yo to going to a 5 yo’s birthday party over that of a close friend. It’s a shame but you couldn’t force that.

The error might have been accepting in the first place but how could you have known?

This.

I was about to say that if you see Lucy I would appreciate your honesty and sincerity. You told her the truth, and it’s fine, she should really understand. There is a big age gap.

Is Lucy’s dd struggling with friendships?
Is she worried about numbers?
Or is she simply put out?

Let her come to you op. It’s not okay to ignore your kind messages.You did the right thing.

They aren’t even friends. Their mums are friends. The younger child probably looks up to the older one a bit like a cool older peer. But the older child should be able to choose to attend her best friends birthday party. She wouldn’t even know any of the other kids and to her they would all be ‘babies’
Hopefully it blows over. If not I don’t think I’d miss a friendship with a mum that precious

A family event taking precedence would be reasonable. I agree about the lesson of keeping to your commitments.