Birthday Invite Dilemma

[DayOfSummer]

I don’t want to say which person I am as I want honest opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Lucy and Amy have been friends for a few years, they used to work together but now live an hour apart. Lucy has a 5 year old, Amy has an 8 year old. They meet up a few times a year and the children get on well despite the age gap.

About a month ago Lucy invited Amy’s child to her child’s 6th birthday which is at the end of September. She said to rsvp by the end of August. This was via what’s app and Amy replied “sounds great, thank you, I’ve put it on the calendar”

Today Lucy receives a message from Amy saying she’s sorry but her child has been invited to another party for one of her best friends (a classmate) on the same date and she really wants to go to that one, she says hopefully she has given Lucy enough notice.

Even though it’s before the RSVP date, Lucy has told her child that Amy’s child is coming to her party and now she’s disappointed.

YABU = Lucy shouldn’t have revoked her positive RSVP in favour of another party.
YANBU = Lucy gave plenty of notice and it’s fine

@stichguru it’s definitely scenario 2. I honestly thought before I sent the message that if it were the other way around I would totally understand, so her response has really thrown me. I don’t know what to reply or even if I need to reply.

I would leave it tbh. I suspect the mum is more upset than the DC. Do you know if it was a very small or very expensive party – hence your DD being missed? Tho even then, a 6yo will surely have school pals. I recall that a lot of my DCs’ “friends” who were actually the DC of mum-friends I had made at baby/toddler stage stopped wanting to come to their parties (and vice versa) by about 4/5yo and it moved to mainly and then totally school friends or others whom they saw on a weekly basis.

My guess is that the child didn't even know because the mums are friends and the kids only socialise because of mum's friendship.

I think the child should go to her best friend's party not the party of her mum's friend's younger kids where she won't know the other guests.

Plenty of time for someone else to be invited without looking like a late invitee too if its the type of party where places were booked

I’ve no idea how many others have been invited but if the RSVP date is the end of August I’d imagine she hasn’t paid or confirmed numbers with the organiser yet.

Obviously as an adult, this would be rude. But it's a small child and of course she wants to go to her best friends party. I'd post out a birthday present and card to your friend's daughter.

Thanks. I will definitely send a card and present, or give her one if I see her. I always do. But her birthday is not until the end of Sept. I just hope I hear from my friend again before then!

Commitment! She is 8. It's the birthday party of a girl she knows because the mothers are friends. More than likely her mum made the "commitment", not her.

Yeah I appreciate op made the commitment as her Mum, but I was always taught to do the thing I said I'd do first, and this kind of behaviour just encourages flakiness in future. Does your word mean nothing op? If I were Lucy then I wouldn't be contacting you again, or making new arrangements.

Yes, sadly I think this is the way Lucy feels and I’ve probably lost a friend over this.

that is a shame that lucy is gutted

Sorry but local best friend gets the pripority, not a child 3 years younger whose a hour away. The first one is better for your child.
besides that you gave her two months notice - yanbu.

I think it’s not really fair for a child to miss their actual friends party in order to attend their parent’s friend’s child’s birthday though.
The child had no say in the initial rsvp and wants to go to the party they’ve actually received the invite for in school.

I am normally an “honour the first commitment” person but I think you are right here.

The younger child’s party is for your friendship with mum really not your dds. Birthday parties for close friends at 8 are a massive deal and avoidably missing a best friends party at that age would be upsetting. Mine are late teen now and were reminiscing recently about late primary birthday parties they remembered whilst on holiday.

If you made your Dd go to the younger girls party she would resent you for it. And you have given stacks of notice and were apologetic.

I think it's a little rude, sorry. It's saying "I wanted to go to your party, but then I had a better offer" which is true, but hurtful. Obviously this is on you, not your child.

The idea that, if you accept an invitation, you honour your commitment (barring genuine emergency or similar) seems to have been almost completely lost nowadays.

That said, I think Lucy''s reaction is over the top in the circumstances. She has a right to be pissed off but, since you have at least given plenty of notice and been honest, she should be gracious about it.

You and Lucy have both been somewhat unreasonable. I hope this molehill doesn't turn into a mountain that destroys your friendship - not worth it for a minor incident like this.

Why on earth was she sending out invitations that early?
Anything could have happened in the meantime. 3 weeks would be more than enough time before the party. I doubt anything at a 6 year old's party could require that much prior notice.

I thought the same. She mentioned it when we met at Easter and asked if we were free. I said I didn’t know and was non-committal. Then we met up a few weeks ago and she mentioned it again and then she sent the message invite as soon as I got home. She obviously really wanted us there for some reason, it’s clearly a big deal for her. She has done the same the previous two years as well, but we’ve had genuine reasons to decline the invite at the outset in those years.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. It seems highly unlikely that her child will be upset your child isn't there, and highly unlikely she's paid for anything yet. Your friend's reaction is way over the top.

With 9 weeks notice this is perfectly fine, of course the DC wants to go to their own friend’s party rather than their mother’s friend’s child’s party. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if one of my friends and their kids pulled out of my DD’s party in these circumstances. My DD wouldn’t really care either.

The replies are nuts, 'honoring' the first commitment, there's the possibility that the OP's child would be the only one not going, out of a friendship group. That's important when you are 9/10. Friendships can't be forced.
@DayOfSummer lesson learnt. I committed too early and invited other teens to stuff too early and by the time the event came around there'd be tensions/fallouts/other invites. If Lucy is booking something specific, the numbers won't need to be confirmed until the RSVP date. Unless her child is very advanced, it sounds as though there's going to be issues with Lucy being too intense re friendship between them, going forward, anyway. The kids could become completely different people. If it ends the friendship, so be it.

Could it be that Lucy’s child doesn’t have a large circle of friends? I only ask as my DS was always like this as a child, just a couple of close friends and so I would be asking my friends children to make up the numbers!! I realise that sounds daft but as a parent I just wanted him to have some fun parties. Now ironically he has a huge circle of friends so it obviously hasn’t affected him too much! Your friend is probably upset on behalf of her child but I can’t imagine the child is too bothered.

The thing is, you absolutely did nothing wrong by giving plenty of notice, and of course your daughter wants to go to her bestie’s Birthday party, not the party of Mum’s friend’s daughter who’s a lot younger! Obviously she should get to choose, not dictated to.
However - not everyone is as reasonable as you (who I presume would have been fine if roles were reversed) and some people seem to have to make others feel bad if things don’t go their way. It’s a sign of emotional immaturity and you shouldn’t take it personally.
I also think you are to be commended for your honesty, rather than doing something like leaving it until last minute and making up an excuse for non attendance such as a fake illness and secretly going to the other one.
It’s a shame your friend was not as understanding as you thought she would be, and perhaps you might now notice other times when she’s acted similarly, it’s probably a personality trait you’ve overlooked or not noticed until now.

Amy should be teaching her daughter that she has agency and can make decisions when things change, especially when it is likely she wasn’t even given choice in the thing someone else signed her up for. It’s never to early to teach girls they don’t have to tie themselves in knots meeting some made up social convention and it’s ok to make your own choices, especially when others have put you in a position you didn’t choose.

Unless this girl was begging to go to the first party and was told if she accepted she couldn’t change her mind, she of course can choose to go to her best friend’s party instead of her mum’s mate’s kid’s party.

Whereas I was always taught I wasn’t put on this earth to be a people pleaser, and that it is ok to change plans. Turning my back on someone who was looking out for their child would make me a crappy friend.

I think you did the right thing. You daughter wasn't excited about the party but you accepted it anyway.
I don't think an 8 year old should have to 'honour' her mothers decision.
I would however invite Lucy and her daughter out during the holidays to something special...if she refuses, you know where you stand.

Thinking about it, the mum is the kind of person who never backs out of plans. To the point she’s met up with us a number of times when her child is very poorly, she’s basically had to carry her around while she’s sleeping and dosing her up with calpol. It annoys me when she does that as we usually end up catching it!