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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday Invite Dilemma

96 replies

DayOfSummer · 23/07/2025 20:21

I don’t want to say which person I am as I want honest opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Lucy and Amy have been friends for a few years, they used to work together but now live an hour apart. Lucy has a 5 year old, Amy has an 8 year old. They meet up a few times a year and the children get on well despite the age gap.

About a month ago Lucy invited Amy’s child to her child’s 6th birthday which is at the end of September. She said to rsvp by the end of August. This was via what’s app and Amy replied “sounds great, thank you, I’ve put it on the calendar”

Today Lucy receives a message from Amy saying she’s sorry but her child has been invited to another party for one of her best friends (a classmate) on the same date and she really wants to go to that one, she says hopefully she has given Lucy enough notice.

Even though it’s before the RSVP date, Lucy has told her child that Amy’s child is coming to her party and now she’s disappointed.

YABU = Lucy shouldn’t have revoked her positive RSVP in favour of another party.
YANBU = Lucy gave plenty of notice and it’s fine

OP posts:
Firawla · 23/07/2025 21:14

You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t over think it - I’m sure the vast majority of people would do the same in the circumstances!

SilkCottonTree · 23/07/2025 21:18

Really poor form of Amy to tell her child so that the child is 'gutted' - if she hadn't said anything then her child would not have noticed if her mum's friend's random child wasn't there. You did the right thing, a best friend's party is very important when you are 8 years old!

Had Lucy paid per place for the party? - if so maybe offer to reimburse her, but apart from that don't beg her forgiveness as she has blown this out of proportion..

arcticpandas · 23/07/2025 21:19

@DayOfSummer I'm with you. You told her before the rsvp time so had plenty of notice. I'm sure her child is disappointed because it's nice to have older friends but for your child this wouldn't be so fun. And there will be many of her other friends there. I think it's Lucy who is gutted to not have her mum friend there. Let her sulk and wait for a while. Maybe with time she will realise how childish her reaction is.

indoorplantqueen · 23/07/2025 21:20

I think you’ve handled it correctly.

ShesTheAlbatross · 23/07/2025 21:22

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2025 20:25

Amy should be teaching her child that we honour our commitments, not that we drop them whenever something better comes along. She's in the wrong here

Generally I’d agree. But I’d hazard a guess that in this case this is not a commitment made by the child, but the mum just agreed on her behalf because it’s her friend’s daughter.

stichguru · 23/07/2025 21:22

How close are the children?

Scenario 1
Children who have known each other since they were 3 and 0 and look forward to seeing each other, ask to meet up in the holidays, etc. Lucy's daughter would really want Amy's daughter at her party, not just because she doesn't want someone to cancel, but because she loves her.

Scenario 2
Amy and Lucy like to still see each other and obviously don't get to just catch up around the work day now. Getting babysitters or organising an evening when both girls' dads are free is a struggle, so sometimes the mum's meet somewhere with the girls in the school hols, and the girls quite enjoy playing together for a few hours on a day when potentially they'd just be on their own with their mum otherwise.

Scenario 1 - Tough that Amy's child has to miss classmate's party, but she already has an engagement somewhere where she is really wanted, which she would be rude to drop out of.

Scenario 2 - Seems reasonable not to drag Amy's daughter to a party where she won't know anyone except the birthday child and that child won't mind much if she isn't there, while Amy's daughter is upset she isn't at her classmate's party and a bit left out at the party she is at! Make arrangements for the 2 adults and 2 kids to meet and play over the summer.

I suppose the other factors are what kind of party? If Lucy will lose significant money over the drop out, of course it's rude to drop out.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 23/07/2025 21:24

I don't believe a 5 year old would be absolutely gutted by this. The Mum is and is being a bit unreasonable I think.

You can't force your 8 year old to go to a party she doesn't want to go to, especially if it'd mean missing her best friend's party. I would imagine all their school friends would be going so she would miss out if she weren't there.

At the end of the day it's a birthday party for a 6 year old not a wedding! Some people need to get a grip.

Cinaferna · 23/07/2025 21:25

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2025 20:25

Amy should be teaching her child that we honour our commitments, not that we drop them whenever something better comes along. She's in the wrong here

In general, yes, but not here. The friendship is tenuous and sporadic, based more on the parents liking each other. The 8 year old needs to navigate friendships with the children she spends time with and missing her closest friend's party could be very upsetting for her.

I'd say to the 5 year old that it's a shame the older girl can't come, but she lives a long way away, and that now means she can invite an extra person to her party if she wants, and they will organise a meet up later on when she and her older friend can spend the whole afternoon just the two of them.

Bournetilly · 23/07/2025 21:27

I can definitely understand why your daughter would rather go to her own friends party and I’d probably do the same in your situation.

If it was one of her class mates instead of the 6 year old then it would be different and unfair on them.

Is your friend struggling for numbers for the party? If so I could understand why she’s upset. If it’s a class party then I doubt the girl turning 6 would even be bothered that your DD isn’t there.

diddl · 23/07/2025 21:29

I might have just said that daughter couldn't make it after all & not said why.

It all sounds so far in the future I don't know why Lucy was telling her daughter anything!

Morgenrot25 · 23/07/2025 21:33

I don't think Amy's child/Amy have done anything wrong. Sometimes plans change, that's life.

HonoriaBulstrode · 23/07/2025 21:34

Feeling awful as Lucy has replied “DC is absolutely gutted”

That's a bit OTT. A bit disappointed, perhaps, but she'll have all her own friends there, she won't really miss OP's DD.

Having children of different ages doesn't really work if you're going to have party games. The older children are bigger, stronger, faster, have greater dexterity, have played the games more often, they are always going to have an advantage.

And agree with pp, it wasn't OP's DD's commitment.

AuntMarch · 23/07/2025 21:34

It would have been rude if it were only a few days before, but this is fine in my opinion.

CautiousLurker01 · 23/07/2025 21:40

Shmee1988 · 23/07/2025 20:25

I think its fine for her to go back on her RSVP. Why would any 8 year old want to miss her best friends birthday party to attend that of a 5 year old, where presumably she won't really know anyone?

This - and why should we be teaching 8yr olds that they should honour commitments made by adults?

WaltzingWaters · 23/07/2025 21:42

You’ve done nothing wrong and plenty of warning given. Would be different if a couple weeks away and Lucy had spent lots of money on the party space.
Of course an 8 yo would much rather go to her best friends party over her mums friends younger Dd.

AlertCat · 23/07/2025 21:45

Send Lucy’s kid a parcel with a nice gift and a card to say sorry for missing the party but sending birthday wishes anyway. I’d be very surprised if that disappointment lasted longer than five minutes and a gift might make Lucy feel better as it’s more likely her that’s upset.

draggedtoakpopconcert · 23/07/2025 21:48

I think it's very dramatic for the friend to text you back saying her daughter is 'gutted.' This is just an unnecessarily guilt trip. She didn't even have to tell her DD that yours was going to a different party - she could have just said she was unable to come for some other reason.

I imagine her DD is possibly more enamoured with your DD because she the older one? Could be something like this?

Or it could be that your friend is a bit precious about this kind of thing? Does her daughter not have many friends of her own?

ACynicalDad · 23/07/2025 21:51

I'd suggest the 8 year old takes the 5 year old out for a hot chocolate and cake (with an adult) and I think that should more than make up for it for the 5yo.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/07/2025 21:52

Shmee1988 · 23/07/2025 20:25

I think its fine for her to go back on her RSVP. Why would any 8 year old want to miss her best friends birthday party to attend that of a 5 year old, where presumably she won't really know anyone?

This. Usually I would say to stick to first invite you accept

But this is her bf at school and her age

Other party is prob going to be making 5:6 yr

therealtrunchbull · 23/07/2025 21:53

Your friend is being really dramatic. As if a 5 year old is absolutely gutted that one older child who she sees now and again can’t make it to her party.

diddl · 23/07/2025 21:53

Tbh I think for an hour away & that age difference it would have been a no from the start for me!

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 22:02

Tricky
on the one hand they had said they would go so should see that commitment through and decline the second party.
but on the other hand it’s completely understandable an8 year old wants to go to her best friends party over her mums friends dds party.
id say given the fact she’s given plenty of notice so her friend can cancel their place/invite someone else, I think it’s ok to cancel.

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 22:07

You wrote the post very fairly. I thought you were Lucy! Tbh if Lucys dd is ‘gutted’ she hasn’t managed telling her very well. A casual “Amys dd can’t come but we are going to do xyz with her instead and you get to choose another school friend.” !!

llittledoveblue · 23/07/2025 22:11

Best friends party takes priority.

Thulpelly · 23/07/2025 22:23

I see both sides here.

If I were Amy I would have told a white lie and maybe say I’d double booked by accident.

Amy accepted the initial offer on behalf of her child and I think it’s understandable the older child wants to go to the other party.. but it’s bit shitty and comes off rude to be like ‘ahhh sorry she’s got a better offer’, even though this is the truth.

The RSVP date being far off means Lucy might not have many replies yet and is counting on a few people she is friends with to confirm. Also the RSVP isn’t ‘the date you can change your mind before’, it’s more to prompt people to commit in good time.

If I were Lucy I would been annoyed at what would seem like a snub for a better offer.