Birthday Invite Dilemma

[DayOfSummer]

I don’t want to say which person I am as I want honest opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Lucy and Amy have been friends for a few years, they used to work together but now live an hour apart. Lucy has a 5 year old, Amy has an 8 year old. They meet up a few times a year and the children get on well despite the age gap.

About a month ago Lucy invited Amy’s child to her child’s 6th birthday which is at the end of September. She said to rsvp by the end of August. This was via what’s app and Amy replied “sounds great, thank you, I’ve put it on the calendar”

Today Lucy receives a message from Amy saying she’s sorry but her child has been invited to another party for one of her best friends (a classmate) on the same date and she really wants to go to that one, she says hopefully she has given Lucy enough notice.

Even though it’s before the RSVP date, Lucy has told her child that Amy’s child is coming to her party and now she’s disappointed.

YABU = Lucy shouldn’t have revoked her positive RSVP in favour of another party.
YANBU = Lucy gave plenty of notice and it’s fine

Maybe Amy’s child wasn’t asked and mum just made the commitment on her behalf.

I asked her if she’d like to go and she said “ok” but not very enthusiastically. When she came home with her friend’s invite the other day and I said it was the same day as Lucy’s child’s party she was very upset and said she didn’t want to go to that anymore. My mistake was accepting an invitation my child clearly didn’t really want to accept. I’m rubbish at lying though and at the time we didn’t have anything planned that day.

Kids drop out of parties for all types of reasons. Mine is only 3, but the last party she went to was planned for 20 and 16 came. 1 was unwell, 1 got car sick on the way but decided to be safe, 1 didn’t end up having childcare for the baby (unwell MIL) and the other I’m not sure…they all dropped out on the day and 5 invitees said no due to other commitments when invited. so dropping out now is pretty much the same as this… tbh Lucy has made a big deal by telling her child and allowing her to be sad. She shouldn’t have said anything and then when alllll the friends are there on the day she could
say ‘oh yes Lilly’s so sad but she couldn’t come… she’s coming with cake next week’s

I have a 9 year old DD. Normally I'm all 'honour your commitments', but it's important for kids this age to bond with their friends. Hearing all about the party at school isn't going to encourage her to want to do that in future.

I do see why Lucy's hurt, being told 'sorry, we have a better offer' and thinking her DD's been cast aside.

Lesson here is to not RSVP until right before the RSVP date.

This is the underlying issue. Your friend takes a people pleaser approach, pushes herself and her child to do things even when ill. Resentment bubbles up when faced with people who don’t do the same.

Similar happens at work. Some colleagues put themselves out for others, or go overboard with what they are willing to do at work. Secretly resent it. And then resent colleagues who have better boundaries / self care in their approach to work.

Your friend is upset but in a way you’re setting her a good example. I think you should stand by your decision whilst behaving compassionately to your friend.

Lucy shouldn’t be guilt tripping Amy. I think this is a perfectly good example of when it’s ok to cancel for a better offer. Amy is advocating for her child, why should she go to a 6 yr old party in favour of her best friend

See I think that just teaches the child to always put themselves last. There is a difference between cancelling last minute and cancelling with so much notice.

Your friend is being ridiculous and I think you have been sensible and fine.

An uncomfortable situation but ultimately I would say you did the right thing - even down to offering to do something on another day, which seems like a great solution. That being said, these types of over-engineered friendships can be a bit frustrating for kids - I remember being made to hang out with my DM's friends' kids and finding it a total pain!

My husband even says to me be “I wonder what you’ll catch this time!” When I meet up with her. Her speciality is just after we’ve said hello she’ll say “DC was sick last night, I hope it was just something she ate”

It isn't people pleasing to be reliable and consistent with your plans - its just not being flaky. Unfortunately more and more people treat plans as optional things they might do unless something better comes along; what op is teaching is that being flaky and unreliable is ok which it is, according to most of the replies so I'm probably being unreasonable.

I’m genuinely not a flaky person, I put up with flakiness from some of my other friends though and I genuinely would understand if a friend did the same to me. But we’re all different. I really misjudged how she would react to this. It’s honestly got me thinking that maybe we’re just incompatible as friends. I do enjoy meeting up with her but she’s a very sociable person who wants to meet up a lot more than I do which I do find a bit intense at times. Especially as we live an hour away and it’s a big effort to meet up.

If you make your Dd go to your friends younger child’s party that you committed her to and she misses out on the one she actually wants to go to she will resent you. Plus she’s unlikely to be a cheerful sparkling party guest if there under sufferance purely to fulfil her mothers social obligations to her own friend.

This age onwards mums need to back off micro managing friendships anyway. Maybe gently explain this to the friend emphasising the crucial 2 year age gap? The girls aren’t toddlers anymore you can plonk in the garden and expect them to all play happily.

It's very rude to cancel after prior acceptance. What lesson is that teaching her child

This is ridiculous - if 8yo is made to attend a party she never consented to go to in the first place what it would teach her is that mum prioritises friends over her child. That the child is not allowed to gave boundaries, that her preferences are unimportant because god forbid one of mum’s friends throws her rattle out of the pram!!

As other PPs have said, NCT/mum-based friendships are fine until Y1 of school but after that children should lead the way. The mum friend seems rather needy if she asked so many months in advance - and going fwd I’d decline/defer accepting any invites issued more than a few weeks in advance and without 8yo expressing desire to go … even for bffs in school (friendships are notoriously on/off, intense/fickle and generally volatile at that age with Monday’s bff being annoying by Wednesday!)

Probably the lesson that it’s not the child’s responsibility to keep her mother’s commitments.

The child doesn’t want to go to the birthday party of the child of one of her mother’s friends she barely sees. She didn’t make the commitment and she doesn't want to go.

Is the issue that the younger chid doesn't have many other friends, and so the friendship with Amy's DD is much more important to the younger child here?
It looks to me as if Amy's DD is probably a polite child who is happy enough to play with her Mum's friend's DD occasionally, but is probably not that invested in the relationship, whereas to the younger child, Amy's DD is the cool, fun exciting older child.
Obviously Amy's DD doesn't want to miss her own bestie's party.
OP, you seem to be suggesting that the wording of your acceptance wasn't a definite yes. I'd say that it wasn't ambiguous, that you are clearly reneging, but that in the circumstances, that is OK. You've given plenty of notice, so unless the birthday celebrations including booking tickets for something expensive, that's not unreasonable, You've suggested an alternative, and I don't think it would be fair on DD to make her miss her friend's party.
Sorry, I've realised I've made the assumption that you are Amy.
Also, who are these people who arrange birthday parties months in advance?

While i am normally in the "keep prior commitments" camp in this case: they are "friends" because of their mothers' friendship, they don't live close so don't see each other often and they are very different ages.

So in this case, i say: let it go, the girls can choose their own friends now.

<aside> it is "an invitation" - invite is a verb </aside>

Edit: Sorry, wrote this without seeing OP's later post

But the child might have had no input into the RSVP for Lucy's daughters party. Amy might have accepted without even asking her.

to all the "the child should honour a prior commitment that her mum made on her behalf that she was clearly not fussed about"

if it was your child's birthday, would you want a possibly resentful older child there? my answer is no.

And the lesson here is: don't RSVP too early unless you are very sure your child really wants to go. And don't RSVP positively on behalf of an unenthusiastic child.

It’s ridiculous to tie down dates for kids birthday parties 4 months in advance.

It’s not a wedding.

And an 8 yo should not be expected to miss a best friends party for a child 3 years younger that she sees a few times a year just because the Mums are friends.

I didn’t vote because I am confused about the names.