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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I wrong to feel upset

82 replies

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:06

I met my partner when I (20f) was 19 and he was 34. I have a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. We have been together a year and he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, special
person in the world and he treats my son very well which is obviously the most important thing to me. However he recently asked me to go to a three day event with him where we would have to camp. I was very excited as it would be out first time away together and I arranged for my mum to babysit. She’s very very close to my son so no worries there. A few days after he asked me I mentioned the trip to him and he denied ever asking me!! I was shocked and upset but wondered if I’d got it mistaken somehow. Anyway, he went and came back three days later with presents for me and we went out that night for a drink. While we were out we bumped into two girls that I know and turns out so does he. It came out in conversation that he’d met these girls at the event and helped them put up their tent etc. it’s worth noting that I have bad blood with one of these girls after she slept with an ex whilst I was with him and my partner knows this. I was really upset that he’d not mentioned it to me and I’ve got it in my head that he stopped me going to the event as he’d found out that the girls were going and was hoping to get off with one of them. He went with a friend which he’d already arranged when he asked me to go along with them. It’s eating me up thinking of him and his friend and these two girls at the event. I don’t think he slept with either of them but I can’t help thinking he went hoping to get off with them and came back to me as a poor substitute when nothing transpired. He won’t talk to me about it, just says he’s not talking to me about nonsense and it’s all in my head. I can be jealous so don’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. Thank you if you’ve read this long post. I’d love some advice. I’m feeling very worthless at the moment.

OP posts:
OneKhakiFish · 23/07/2025 17:13

I would be done, can't be bothered with mind games or gaslighting no matter how nice he's been in the past, 1 year in, you've no ties, don't waste your time.

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:16

OneKhakiFish · 23/07/2025 17:13

I would be done, can't be bothered with mind games or gaslighting no matter how nice he's been in the past, 1 year in, you've no ties, don't waste your time.

Thank you, I know I can be jealous so didn’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. Deep down I know. Wasn’t mistaken and that he DID ask me to go. I’ll be honest, when he first denied asking me I thought maybe the friend he was going along with didn’t want me tagging along but I would have understood that. It’s only when I heard about the two girls going that I started to have doubts but he swears he only helped put up their tent and refuses to discuss it beyond that.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 23/07/2025 17:19

He sounds like a proper twat. Raise the bar for you and your dc op. You both deserve more.

Gemmawemma9 · 23/07/2025 17:19

He is gaslighting you by pretending you imagined being asked to this event. Regardless of whether he fancies these girls, this is not a healthy, safe relationship. There is a massive power imbalance here. It’s not ok OP.

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 17:21

He asked you. He changed his mind (likely girl related) he then gas lit you by pretending he never asked.
end it - you can’t trust this man and he prioritises himself over you and may or may not have cheated. He is not a good man. And behaving like that at 34 is frankly pathetic. You can definitely do better.

Jerrypicker · 23/07/2025 17:22

Do you have somewhere to go when you break up with him?

Hatty65 · 23/07/2025 17:23

I think if you are having doubts about him I would just end it at this point. He sounds like he's gaslighting you, and that's a massive red flag to me.

I'd get myself and my son out of the relationship at this point whilst he is still too young to know any different. On another note, I am slightly weirded out by a 34 year old man asking out a teenage girl. The age difference at this age - and with you as a single mum - means an unequal balance of power.

Why isn't he looking for women his own age?

Ooodelally · 23/07/2025 17:24

He is a deceitful piece of shit, get out now with your head held high

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:24

Jerrypicker · 23/07/2025 17:22

Do you have somewhere to go when you break up with him?

I actually live with my son and my parents at the moment so no worries there. I just can’t believe that for a year he’s seemed perfect and now this, which is why I’m doubting myself

OP posts:
Wadadli · 23/07/2025 17:26

OneKhakiFish · 23/07/2025 17:13

I would be done, can't be bothered with mind games or gaslighting no matter how nice he's been in the past, 1 year in, you've no ties, don't waste your time.

First post NAILED it! 🙏

Turneresque · 23/07/2025 17:30

I really feel for you but gaslighting is serious and I wouldn’t put up with it ever again after being with someone like this before.
Its not good for your mental health and will just get worse believe me.

Didimum · 23/07/2025 17:31

Girl. Come on.

Springtimehere · 23/07/2025 17:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DiscoBob · 23/07/2025 17:32

Even putting aside the fact he clearly flirted with girls at this event...he invited you, you accepted, then he suddenly was struck with amnesia about the entire conversation?

Was he drunk, on Ayahuasca? Suffering from a head injury or acute early onset dementia?!

Fucking idiot. Just dump him. He's a pure shit chatter and that's never ever going to change.

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:32

Didimum · 23/07/2025 17:31

Girl. Come on.

I know what I should do really. I suppose I needed to hear others say it. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s me, maybe it’s my jealousy. I just really wanted to be wrong.

OP posts:
Linenpickle · 23/07/2025 17:34

It’s not going to work. Get rid.

Timeforaglassofwine · 23/07/2025 17:37

"he treats my son very well which is obviously the most important thing to me." I get it, but the way he treats your son shouldn't be the most important thing. You don't have to sacrifice just because he's good with kids. I also worry about the age gap, it creates the imbalance of power that makes him think you'll fall for his gaslighting.

Conniebygaslight · 23/07/2025 17:42

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:32

I know what I should do really. I suppose I needed to hear others say it. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s me, maybe it’s my jealousy. I just really wanted to be wrong.

You’re not wrong OP and DO NOT let him convince you otherwise. It will get worse and your head will be screwed in no time….

RunningJo · 23/07/2025 17:42

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:32

I know what I should do really. I suppose I needed to hear others say it. I’ve been thinking maybe it’s me, maybe it’s my jealousy. I just really wanted to be wrong.

It’s definitely not you, he just wants you to think that.

Honestly, if he thinks he can get away with this behaviour he will do it again.
You deserve better OP, with someone who doesn’t play games.

DoYouReally · 23/07/2025 17:56

It's 100% not you.

Get rid of him.

NewbieYou · 23/07/2025 18:00

Refusing to discuss it with you and saying it’s in your head is a red flag. A good partner doesn’t dismiss concerns and issues and talks them out.

It’s very odd that he would also deny ever having asked you rather than just saying it no longer works for you to come due to x reason.

Sounds to me like he’d rather gaslight you and make you think you’re crazy than give an excuse or even lie. And that is a dangerous trait in a man.

He’s also way too old for you tbh. I’m 30 and 20 year olds look and act like babies to me.

anon4net · 23/07/2025 18:01

I'm going to speak frankly @Butterfliesarebeautiful

Some men (not the good ones) are good at making it seem like it's your fault.
I suspect you have a history of being with men like this.
This is your chance to leave before there is a messy entanglement
You deserve better. Take some time to be single. Focus on you son, qualifications, changing patterns.
You deserve SO much better - saying it twice b/c it is true Flowers

honeylulu · 23/07/2025 18:11

You didn't need to go past the bit where he gaslit you and said he never invited you when you and he both know that he did. You deserve someone better than a bloke who messes you around and lies to your face.

The girls themselves are irrelevant- he may or may not have known they were going. The critical thing is he decided he didn't want you to come, for whatever reason, and instead of telling you he changed his mind he pretended you'd imagined it. What a cunt.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/07/2025 18:16

Pretending he didn’t invite you is the big red flag as far as I’m concerned. There’s not enough information about the other women to be sure if anything happened there, but lying to you and telling you you’re misremembering is gaslighting. Get rid

BMW6 · 23/07/2025 18:26

Oh wow what an utter BASTARD!

It's bad enough that he withdrew the invitation, but to lie to your face and claim he never invited you is unforgivable. I think you're suspicions are bang on OP.

Tell him you've gone right off him and to sling his hook.