Am I wrong to feel upset

[Butterfliesarebeautiful]

I met my partner when I (20f) was 19 and he was 34. I have a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. We have been together a year and he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, special
person in the world and he treats my son very well which is obviously the most important thing to me. However he recently asked me to go to a three day event with him where we would have to camp. I was very excited as it would be out first time away together and I arranged for my mum to babysit. She’s very very close to my son so no worries there. A few days after he asked me I mentioned the trip to him and he denied ever asking me!! I was shocked and upset but wondered if I’d got it mistaken somehow. Anyway, he went and came back three days later with presents for me and we went out that night for a drink. While we were out we bumped into two girls that I know and turns out so does he. It came out in conversation that he’d met these girls at the event and helped them put up their tent etc. it’s worth noting that I have bad blood with one of these girls after she slept with an ex whilst I was with him and my partner knows this. I was really upset that he’d not mentioned it to me and I’ve got it in my head that he stopped me going to the event as he’d found out that the girls were going and was hoping to get off with one of them. He went with a friend which he’d already arranged when he asked me to go along with them. It’s eating me up thinking of him and his friend and these two girls at the event. I don’t think he slept with either of them but I can’t help thinking he went hoping to get off with them and came back to me as a poor substitute when nothing transpired. He won’t talk to me about it, just says he’s not talking to me about nonsense and it’s all in my head. I can be jealous so don’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. Thank you if you’ve read this long post. I’d love some advice. I’m feeling very worthless at the moment.

I think the year mark is where the not very nice traits come out. I have had a similar experience where he was basically perfect for a year then the gaslighting started.
I tripped over his dog who I had asked him to get out of my kitchen whilst I was cooking. No big deal really and the dog wasn’t hurt (I loved her). He then completely denied it happened. I knew it happened and my son saw it. I wondered if he had suddenly developed memory loss but it was gaslighting. That was the beginning of the end. I’m glad to be rid of him. The person I thought I knew for that year was not the real him.
Definitely get rid of the boyfriend. Focus on something else. Driving lessons, a course, make some new friends with your son etc etc.

Don’t put up with lying of any kind. Dishonesty is a deal breaker. You deserve better.

He’s obviously gaslighting you. What a prick. Bin him OP. You and your son deserve better.

Ugh. Gaslighting, lying twat. Agree with everyone else. Dump, block, move on.

Some people would disagree but I think it’s a bit of a red flag for a man in his 30s to be dating a teenager. That sounds to me like a man who wants to be able to control/dominate his partner (I would say the same if genders were reversed). Anyway, I think this is very suss. Sounds like he made separate plans with these other girls (perhaps via the friend he went with) and didn’t want you to cramp his style. The gaslighting shows he can’t be trusted in any case.

He's lying scum.
14 years is a huge age gap.
He clearly likes very young women.

He knows well that he has lied, but is gaslighting you.
Get away from him.

He’s gaslighting you and that’s never acceptable.

No matter how he’s behaved all year this is not something you can get past or live with.

Abusers typically start of love bombing you before it all goes down hill. This is his first test as to what you will put up with.

Why does this man in his mid-30s know so many teenage girls?

To be fair the other women are his age, maybe I made it sound as if they weren’t by calling them girls sorry x

Even if he didn’t go to the event with the intention of getting off with another woman, the fact that he invited you and then denied inviting you is a huge red flag.

You sound like an intelligent woman, OP. Don’t sleepwalk into a relationship of emotional abuse and lies.

He's 35 an
d you're 19. That's already a massive red flag!
He knows your child after only a year, another massive red flag
Then there's the gaslighting etc.

Non of this is ok.

Ditch him.You deserve better!

The age difference, the gaslighting, nah, come on. You know you deserve better.

The denying asking you is strange and would make me annoyed. Even if he had changed his mind then surely be honest with you and say plans have changed.

The fact that he’s refusing to talk about it and not just reassure you is also questionable.

If you’re not happy and don’t feel like you can trust him then end it.

You are very vulnerable in that you met this man, as a young mum in your late teens.
He’s already in his mid 30s.
He has shown a glimpse of kindness to you and your DC and is now treating you like shit.
And he is. If he were your age, I’d have some understanding of it. But he’s too old for you.
He basically has a young adoring girlfriend who is tied to a separate home and baby, and he gets to do what he wants when he wants.
You’ve been cheated on before, too.
If you were may daughter my advice would be this…
Leave this man and take a break from dating. You are vulnerable right now.
You need to have more friends your own age, build your own interests, have some fun and cherish your time with your child. Don’t waste your time on this or any other idiot.
You are worth more and you deserve better.

Forget about these girls they have nothing to do with this. Your relationship was over the moment he lied and said he didn't tell you about the event and went off to it himself .

Making you mistrust your own sound judgement is standard text book behaviour of a gas lighter. Get out.

Please don’t waste any more time this idiot. You are so young and literally have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t settle for this. You deserve so, so much better.

You have a very little child, young yourself and sound quite immature. You have ‘bad blood’ with a ‘girl’ too. What do you even see in someone with such a huge age gap.

All of this. Just finish with him already.

If you’ve been together a year and your child is a year old - you must have been pregnant or had a very young baby when you met him?

I assume as you had a baby you didn’t get to see him very often and so although you say you’ve been together a year, the actual official relationship has probably only been a couple of months.

If he 100% invited you (instead of just telling you about it), then I would end it, regardless of the issues with these other women.

Also I’m 33 and have a 17yo, literally a couple years younger than you - there’s no way I’d have ‘bad blood’ with someone so young.

It all seems very immature and Jeremy Kyle.

This

Yanbu but you're focusing on the wrong thing. He has:

• uninvited you from an event which is very rude
• gaslight you rather than tell you the truth, which is abusive
• dismissed you trying to talk about it, and doubled down on the gaslighting

Whatever his reasons were for this, whether he was trying to get off with another girl or not, is irrelevant, as there are no circumstances where all this behaviour is ok (even if his friend didn't want you there for example).

This plus the age gap is a huge red flag and I'd be re thinking the relationship. Yes not all age gap relationships are abusive but it's quite common for abusive men to have relationships with much younger women as they are less experienced in relationships and can be easier to manipulate, and they are less likely to spot red flags early

I understand where you are coming from, I couldn’t think of another way to explain the relationship between the other woman and myself so bad blood was the phrase I used. In my defence I was quite upset typing the post. However I work, pay rent and all bills and everything I need for my son,. I also study, and ensure I spend lots of quality time with my boy, I don’t think that makes me immature. I don’t drink, go
clubbing, or spend money on drugs/cigarette. I put money aside for my son’s future and never leave him with anyone other than my mother. I don’t think that makes me immature either. Although maybe at 19 I’m allowed to be just a smidgen immature?