Am I wrong to feel upset

[Butterfliesarebeautiful]

I met my partner when I (20f) was 19 and he was 34. I have a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. We have been together a year and he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, special
person in the world and he treats my son very well which is obviously the most important thing to me. However he recently asked me to go to a three day event with him where we would have to camp. I was very excited as it would be out first time away together and I arranged for my mum to babysit. She’s very very close to my son so no worries there. A few days after he asked me I mentioned the trip to him and he denied ever asking me!! I was shocked and upset but wondered if I’d got it mistaken somehow. Anyway, he went and came back three days later with presents for me and we went out that night for a drink. While we were out we bumped into two girls that I know and turns out so does he. It came out in conversation that he’d met these girls at the event and helped them put up their tent etc. it’s worth noting that I have bad blood with one of these girls after she slept with an ex whilst I was with him and my partner knows this. I was really upset that he’d not mentioned it to me and I’ve got it in my head that he stopped me going to the event as he’d found out that the girls were going and was hoping to get off with one of them. He went with a friend which he’d already arranged when he asked me to go along with them. It’s eating me up thinking of him and his friend and these two girls at the event. I don’t think he slept with either of them but I can’t help thinking he went hoping to get off with them and came back to me as a poor substitute when nothing transpired. He won’t talk to me about it, just says he’s not talking to me about nonsense and it’s all in my head. I can be jealous so don’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. Thank you if you’ve read this long post. I’d love some advice. I’m feeling very worthless at the moment.

Advice?

ditch him, and focus on your child. Life’s too short for mindgames with a thirtysomething manchild when you’re barely out of your teens.

He obviously must have asked you, otherwise how would you have known to ask your mum to babysit. It could be (generously) that he found out this girl was going and didn't want the drama, it sounds like you're very open about disliking her. Or it could be what you think. Either way he lied to you and is continuing to make out its all in your head. Also, the age thing is odd, a 34 yr old asking a 19 yr old out is a bit wild, you're still so young and you've your baby to think about. Ignore his past behaviour, its classic abuser territory to love bomb at the start before turning, and even if its not headed in that direction, it doesnt change this behaviour. Personally I'd get rid, focus on yourself, setting up you and your son for the future and ignore these girls, this man and tbh other men for a bit until you're more settled in your skin, youll find a better one.

Agree. Any man of that age, heading towards his 40s let’s face it, who goes after a teenager is a huge red flag to me like what possibly could he think he has in common with her?! The only thing is the fact they are more easily controllable, challenge less and he has the upper hand in terms of experience, money etc. The dynamics are just wrong too unequal for the woman’s voice to be heard.

@Butterfliesarebeautiful Youre so very young and have your whole life ahead of you please don’t settle for this manipulative gasligher. You deserve and can do better - and closer to your own age range may be better.

Come on op. Dump his lying ass

You are.
He's 35 he isnt

At 19 you can absolutely act your age and be a bit immature (as long as it doesn’t affect your child).

But you’re in a relationship with a 34yo who is lying to you and you’ve got issues with another 34yo.

That’s not normal.

You’ve also been in a relationship for the same length of time that your child has been born - that’s definitely not normal.

Time to move on.

If he’s not cheating already, it definitely sounds like he will soon. For him to lie like that it’s either cheating or doing anything he wouldn’t want you around to see (drugs?).

Dump him. You can find better than a manchild who preys on vulnerable young mothers.

FWIW you sound a lot more mature than my 20y old at uni! I simply cannot imagine her bringing up a child. Focus on your studies now and try and ditch this man if you can. You and your child deserve better.

I said a year, my son is actually 16 months so closer to 1.5 years but with hindsight you are absolutely right, maybe I did get into a relationship way too early in my son’s life. I didn’t intend to, if I’m honest I never intended to do more than have a couple of dates with him, but he treated me so well I just fell for him and realised one day that I didn’t want just a couple of dates. I’m willing to accept I was probably naive, due to my age, lack of experience of men and if I’m honest maybe due to not wanting to be alone and wanting to feel loved. I’m aware of my faults. I know deep down what he’s done is wrong, and I know I need to finish things between us. It’s not easy though.

What did he actually say when he invited you?

Thank you so much x

You're so young. You don't have to settle for anything less, set that bar high and standards higher.
Many men go for much younger women as women their own age won't stand for their crap.
Raise your boy with a man who shows your son how to treat women.

You know you didn't imagine him inviting you. He changed his mind for whatever reason but didn't have the balls to say it so made out it was you imagining things.
He's unwilling to discuss something that is bothering you....immature, may or may not be hiding something but a good partner will talk to you about anything on your mind.

Concentrate on you and your child and the right man will find you when the time is right.

I didn’t intend to, if I’m honest I never intended to do more than have a couple of dates with him, but he treated me so well I just fell for him and realised one day that I didn’t want just a couple of dates.

With such a young child it is not physically possible to have spent much time with him and so that year of being together is not that long.

Everyone is lovely at the beginning.

A year seems a long time but it’s not because half of that time would have been dating and getting to know each other.

I think you’re focusing too much on what he’s been like and that you’ve been together ‘a year’ but you are only just starting to get to know him properly and his true colours are now coming out.

It’s a yearly event that he goes to with his friend every year. He said oh why don’t you come along with us and I said if I could sort childcare I would love to. When I had sorted out the childcare I told him that I had done so and he said oh you must be mistaken, I didn’t say that. I know he did, as I say I’d mentioned sorting childcare to him but he’s so adamant that he didn’t that I’m doubting myself.

Yep, the first red flag was saying she's 20(19 at the time) and he's 34..

Then he’s definitely gas lighting you there! We don’t know his reasons, it may or may not involve the girls but I wouldn’t stress yourself over thinking it. If you don’t trust him the relationship is dead anyway. Going by what you said it doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding but even if it was you sound like you don’t trust him and have some of your own things to work on to make yourself and future relationships happier

You’re right. Thank you for the advice.

I could’ve written this post myself, even down the ages, son, studying & working. I’m now 47 & looking back my Lord I was immature. Not in terms of immature for my age but immature for HIS age & immature because 19/20 is really young. You don’t feel it, especially when you’ve got so many responsibilities & because of that you feel people your age don’t get you & that older people do so you justify the age gap (in so many ways). I justified so many things, ‘I was young & jealous, someone his age wouldn’t do those things’ etc etc.

Looking back it wasn’t right & I shouldn’t have tried for so long, I think I tried more so because I was already a single mum & didn’t want to have another ‘failed relationship’ behind me, I really wanted a ‘proper family’ for my son. But when there’s lies & gaslighting this early into the relationship it’s just going to issue after issue after issue & you’re going to keep questioning yourself. The longer it goes on the more you think it’s your fault & it increases the jealousy & the mind games. I’d definitely cut my losses now. I’ve been married for 22 years now to an amazing man & he’s never lied, cheated, gas lit me or any of the things & I’m so glad I ditched him. He’s still playing the same games now in his 60s, it’s crazy seeing what I could’ve ended up with. Thank god I didn’t!!

Yeah honestly I think that youre thinking too much about it. You might be jealous, I dunno, but it doesn't matter here

The answer is clear, he is a twat and is 30 years old going camping with 20 year olds. Embarrassing behaviour.

Your gut instinct is right, he probably thought he'd try it on with some other girls your age but came up with nothing, which would give me the even bigger ick

Leave the bastard and go and enjoy your life. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship, embrace being a young mum and being single ❤️

Don't get drawn into the claptrap from people telling you to marry and have a traditional family. Youre young, full of energy and life, and have a great relationship with your mum. That's what your son needs.

Best of luck x

I'm much older than you, but I've been single my sons whole life so I just wanted to say try not to be afraid of that! I love the time we get to spend together and I think I would resent someone elses needs infringing on that now!

You are so young that you have plenty of time to find someone later, for now just concentrate on learning your own worth and enjoying your baby.

OP , if he never met those girls, & it was just all men at this event , I’d be gone ..
He asked you to go , & then turned around & said he never asked you !!!!!!
Seriously !!!! Think about it , you’re with a guy who will try to fuck with your mind, & make you believe whatever he wants you to believe, trying to brain wash you , that’s what it is ..
Will go from bad to worse ..
For 12 months he’s been pretending to be a good guy , cause that’s exactly what it is to win you over, & now that he feels he has that accomplished , it’s ok for him to show what’s he’s really like , & that’s a bad guy …

Get rid of immediately. He should be putting your mind at ease and not gaslighting you.

Your intuition is correct. Do not ignore your feelings.

You got your answer when he refused to speak to you and put your feelings down.

If you are feeling like you are missing out on love just look at you baby boy. He is relying on you and was born to love you. I can guarantee you are his entire world. But as it stands this man is taking your focus away from that precious baby. And remind yourself that he clearly doesn’t care that this is impacting you and is ok in doing that to the both of you. Your baby boy deserves a mum that is happy and confident. You deserve to be happy and confident. And this guy is not the way to get this.

I agree with other posters, there is a clear power imbalance, it’s hard to see when you’re enmeshed in what feels like love, and this type of man is very clever at disguising what they are really all about, but trust me, if you stick around it will become clear in time, and by that point you will be deeper involved and your baby will be impacted. He has a chance of never remembering this man, but only if you are strong and confident in your own strength and self esteem now. You are worth more. You are worth so much more.

I would honestly try and shift your focus to maximising your happiness just you, your son, other family and trusted friends. Keep you circle close and for only those who truly deserve to be within it. Magic up some big dreams for you and your baby (even if they are just little dreams) and work to see them through. If you can do this, I promise that in time you will realise how much strength and power you have gained, you won’t think twice about demanding better as you absolutely deserve the best in life. And if you bring positivity to your life, the right kind of love, which is honestly deserving can find you without you needing to search for it. You’re so young, there really is no hurry! Please remember this. X

OP, the gaslighting about inviting you and then saying he did not is all on his part. And it is not good at all! That shite is enough for you to drop the relationship.
It is a very dangerous mind game. Just do not play it. That is what is making you feel worthless.

The knowledge that he met some girls you both know there.... is just an add on. He could have put their tent up and then you never knew a word about it. He may or may not have known they were going. His friend may be single and wanted your partner as a sidewing man. It may all have been innocent or not. What you 100% know is that this man will not tell you the truth. He will play with the truth, deny it, refuse to speak and show zero care about how it makes you feel. Not worthy your time. I would leave it there. Goodbye to him.