Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

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Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title
Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland.

She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one.

Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends .

But instead she said

My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends.

I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends'

Huh ???

DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence.

Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

I suspect that a 16yr old boy would be less welcome at a school party of a 13yr old girl than at a home party with family & friends.

School friend party- all the same age, already mix regularly, loads of white kids.

Home party- neighbours and family, all different ages, higher proportion of Asian guests.

I think it’s fair enough to think that someone you’d want to invite to the home party isn’t necessarily someone you want to invite to the school party.

School parties tend to be quite focussed- specific time span, drop off, possibly paid activities.
Home parties are more fluid, drop in and out over a period of time.

@Wayhome , no I didnt send the message, I asked for advice and I am acting on the advice, majority on here said I was AIBU to feel offended at the way her response was worded :-)

It is always an eye opener coming on here, as I had not even thought of how asking to switch to the other party which is no frills compared to the invite we had which was for dinner and the whole shebang - looks from a Non Asian outlook :-) , hardly pushy and very mild compared to how pushy my friend is which is usually seen as caring and concerned in the asian immigrant crowd we both are part of - so as usual lots of food for thought and reflection :-)

Thanks to those who responded and opined, means a lot as always . Namaste :-)

It sounds like it's just a party for school friends and a separate party for local friends / people they know. Not that strange. The "Indian" part is a red herring. Go to the one you're invited to or say you can't make it.

After having calmed down, just clarifying I don't oppose the idea of segregated parties either (65 pc said I was AIBU on segregation on Indian/Non Indian lines)

I would have in honesty liked the loud bollywood music and spicy food :-) at the home party - I think in retrospect, we get used to more subtler wording that is all,on segregation issues, It isnt strictly always 100 pc a rule more a preference usually - even in the circles we run in.

Done with this too :-) thanks.

Would it help to reframe this as a party for family friends and a party for school friends? Your son is a family friend.

Are you sure it’s not just based on different types of parties, school friends will just be the kids doing their thing.

DH is Indian, and I’ve been to more 16&18th birthdays of people I’ve never met than I can count, because we know the parents. It’s a massive social and community thing, and not really the type of party someone with only cultural links to the uk would have.

I’ve probably worded it badly, but I’ll generally be the only white person at these parties, they aren’t really about the birthday child as much as a big community event.

Agree thanks, at first I overreacted in a hurt manner as it felt like her asian friends were not good enough for her white party, but I see how silly I have been.

Fears of Racism, discrimination and the emotional reactions ......are funny beasts. I neither fully will ever feel British/Scottish , nor do I feel fully Indian. An immigrant's life is one of very confused identity indeed. I hope my son doesn't grow up feeling the same way too as he is one generation more integrated.....

She's having a school party and asian community party. She doesnt want to mix the two and clumsy worded it

Well it all sounds weird but no I wouldn't ask to go to an event i/my child wasn't invited too I have no idea who has been insulted or not but that was odd

yes they are lunar, I just hadnt realised how strict some ppl were on keeping the twain shall never meet etc, I call Indian friends to local event stuff and vice versa all the time - three of the couples at our anniversary party were white compared to 7 asian - and they had fun (I think, may be just being polite albeit :-)) trying out bollywood dancing after dinner and said they loved the food too, and we all had a real fun time trying to learn the ceilidh dance from them. It is more for the sake of the other person having a good time that I might group them one way or the other.

and the ppl I know in real life, like at work etc, would have been way too polite to tell me this to my face, that it was atrocious that I asked if my son could switch to the other party if feasible at all - it is immensely valuable to see the honest perspective on here when given freely as anonymous.

It’s common to have a school friends party and a family and friends party, nothing weird or insulting

Where does she mention teenager?

I’m really struggling to see how you’ve twisted your friend’s words so badly and making her out to be racist.

It doesn’t come across like she’s insulted anyone. You’re choosing to be insulted.

Some people might say they code switch when they’re among people of different ethnicities. She’s having two parties, one where she might have to code switch, another where she doesn’t have to. She might serve different food, etc etc.

You’re really reaching here just because you won’t be able to attend a party?

OP I get the feeling you feel judged. You think your friend is implying that you exist in a less integrated and more privileged bubble while she has to roll up her sleeves and deal with the white people.

Leave the social life of your 16 year old son… to him.

There’s nothing wrong with having a dual identity. Neverthelrss, if you are always alert to racism and discrimination you may perceive it where it doesn’t exist, which isn’t good for anyone. Integration is a choice that requires effort to make. It sounds like your friend is making that effort in one area for her children, but not mixing social circles, which is fine as long as the message to her children isn’t that these worlds should never overlap. Ultimately it requires a willingness to envisage a future in which your/her children marry a Scottish / British husband / wife, (possibly in a church), and that your grandchildren become locals with some immigrant heritage, rather than being part of a diaspora community that only overlaps with locals at school / work.

There appear to be lots of complexities in Indian diaspora circles we outsiders can never understand. There were two Indian heritage families at my children’s primary school for a while, each with one son. One boy was the children of British born parents, the other the son of recent immigrants who moved here a year or two before he was born. There was a lot of tension between the two mothers. The Indian lady said the British-Indian lady thought she was superior because her family had been here longer. I actually didn’t perceive that at Al all. But it made me aware of the possible cultural differences between those born in a new culture and those who emigrate to it. The British-Indian lady did all the Indian cultural things with parents and in-laws, but her friends were all British-British and her son’s friends were too. She didn’t feel she needed to make a special effort for the new Indian lady just because her parents came from the same vast country. She was also a busy working mum, not a bored housewife. Their personalities just weren’t alike and I don’t think they would be natural friends in India either. But you can see how it was easy for the Indian lady to perceive discrimination where none existed.

Is the neighbourhood party going to include family and so have a different vibe from the school party maybe?

Maybe she thinks that different events would suit two different groups of people who know their peer groups better?

Does your child go to a religion based private school? If so I think what she was saying was there will be non religious people there and activities potentially not what you would think suitable. It doesn't read like she's saying no either, just like she's giving you a heads up

Why are the students from the son's school "Scots" regardless of their ethnicity, while the local people (presumably also in Scotland) are "Brit"? Is this a pro-vs. anti-independence thing?

You can let it go. It sounds like a non-issue. She's having two parties for different groups of people. You complicated things by asking to attend a party that you were not invited to and hadn't even been told about (by her).

I have come accross this in the Asian community with one of my dd's friends. Her Mother has bluntly told me she would prefer her dd to have friends of her own ethnicity. I am white European and as I understand it I am not allowed to be offended by this. To be fair she is the only person that has said this, she does come off as extremely rude.

Thanks to those who replied in the past 10 hours , I have actually let this go mentally since , as much bigger problems in life to dwell on and do feel I probably should not have made a post about this.

In any case to update, my friend called last night (quite late almost 11pm) and did not sound her usual strident assertive self at all and sounded almost subdued. Just for context before sharing the convo , she only moved here to UK 6 years ago. I had my childhood in HK when it was British owned , and my parents got the opp. to come here. I have much longer roots here. The rest of my family is in England though.

So, it appears that she has never actually done a school class party which I find surprising I was not aware of that. I think she imagines a lot more parental interaction than there will be. I don't think many 'local' kids even still have event like trampoline parties at 13 and the parents certainly don't stay for the two hours with 13 year old's do they. I think in her head, she sees a two hour conversation with the 10 kids' parents during the event.

She started off saying again that her child has lots of white friends as goes to state school. I am sorry, but I had to point out that all our children had lots of white friends given that Scotland is at the very least more than 90 pc white.

I think she just meant she wants to keep both groups separate for this occasion (she has done meet ups in the past in the local community which have been mixed) and that of course, is perfectly fine. She seemed genuinely wanting to move my friend's daughter who is Indian and a classmate to the Indian party, but they wanted to stick with the class party invite as they are also away with us later that weekend and not here on the day.

It does seem like she maybe puts on a different school mum face to the neighbourhood one, maybe a fake scottish accent ? (not easy to do :-)) , in any case it is her business. Confusingly she then went on to try and clarify she was dividing by race but then came close to sounding like she was dividing by class.

' These are local parents from the local school. I have no idea who they are , and what they are. I plan to get everyone's names and occupations written down...' she then vaguely tapered off.
I then got the sense, this was part of her and her DHs argument on local versus private - he wants to keep their DD in the state school.

I was rather shocked she did not know the 'local' class parents yet, her kid was in the primary school for a full 5 years before going to the feeder high school.
I wonder how she plans without offence to get parents to give their names and occupations :-) (just to prove a point to her H ?) when they come to drop their 13 y old likely outside the venue in a quick minute , probably carpooling x kids to a car at that. :-)

The barriers that exist , and the ones we keep creating ......

Op does your 16 year old son want to go to a 13 year old ‘s party?