Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

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Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title
Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland.

She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one.

Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends .

But instead she said

My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends.

I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends'

Huh ???

DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence.

Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

Op given how you have conveyed this in such a way that most of us are struggling to comprehend what the heck is going on, is it possible you may have…. Misunderstood or misread the message?

Bit cheeky to invite your 16 year old son to the other party then

It’s the race aspect, feels like segregation or that everything has to be carefully managed. I also think if you have white family members yourself this kind of thing doesn’t sit well at all.

I would understand if someone said “home” party and I would know they mean family and friends (of the parents really). But the race distinction just makes it feel weird. Think PP is right, she just explained it badly and she’s talking about vibe.

Definitely don't ask for the other party invite. It's in poor taste. Just decline. She sounds very clumsy with her words...and offending Asian people in the process. Completely tactless on her part.

Yep, possibly the message may have been lost in translation?🤷‍♀️

It sounded to me like it's not an Asian/non Asian thing but a state school/private school thing. Two separate groups of friends who may or may not get on.

yes agree, just felt politer than declining , as have mutual friends at the other one , but just a ' no school group separate to neighbours' was what I was expecting

But yeah, I see where I created the problem too.

lol me or my friend ? or both ?

I don’t understand why you would ask to go to the party you weren’t invited to, it’s weird.

This makes no sense. But if you don't know if you should be offended, then you probably shouldn't be...🤔

I wouldn't get involved with a 16 year old's party invitations anyway. Surely he should deal with this himself.

Ok, you know what let's play this out. She feels on the whole that the groups will not mesh as one, and that might be correct; birthday boy being split between groups risks unnecessary friendship issues in one or the other camp. Say she only thinks of you/ your son as Indian friends; you felt you could fit into either group - but her perception is that she isn't so sure. So she is disregarding half of your identity and half your son's identity. It's a bit offensive that she doesn't know either of you well enough to perceive your full characters, and on that basis I think your friendship is more limited than you believed, but I still don't think it's racist. It could lead to an interesting conversation if you're able to raise it gently and treat it lightly, but a "screw you" attitude of putting time into other friendships instead is quite reasonable too.

If you disagree and think both groups would merge beautifully then fine, but even some adults rigorously separate their friendship groups, so she isn't unusual.

I thought it was just me!

I think you’re overthinking it. Sounds to me like she meant there was already plenty of guests at the school party and there wasn’t room for any more. Poorly worded rather than insulting, I’d say

thanks agree.

Think I worded my decline of the invite badly by trying to soft land it with an alternate proposal, and she worded her no badly. Only one of us came close to sounding ridiculously racist though.

Son says doesnt want to go either as her DC are mean, so all moot anyway, thanks to those who replied :)

Her DC is her 13 year old daughter , so just a 'it will all be girls at the party' was what I was expecting and then for me to say ah okay , sorry we are missing the one you organised at home.

I am going to call her and tell her that there are plenty of non indians at the private school as well though and overall Asians are only 5pc of Scottish population and that demographic is represented in both types of classrooms , state and non state - before she goes around saying that to 'non Indians' and upsetting more people. Jesus.

Oh cripes

leave this well alone op

do you not have much else going on in your life at the moment?

Okay it is left @Wayhome . :-)

more than half votes did say I was AIBU

So you’re not going to send the message you said you were going to about a minute ago?

I dont think its weird to have 2 parties. For my little DNs theres usually a party of school friends and a "tea party" of family and family friends.

I do think its weird to say you cant come to party A because its a party with his white friends.. weird and a bit racist.

Maybe even implies you could be racist. Because shes sorta saying you wont fit in/enjoy it because of the non-indian people.

Not sure id be spending much time round this person OP

I’m not making much sense of this. We are a mixed family (mix of white Scottish and south Asian) and we normally have 1 party for all school friends (who are all different ethnicities) and then a little party at home where more family members/neighbours would be there, kind of more for the adults to get together to celebrate the child but would never split the two in to one race on one day and another on the other!

Glad it’s not just me!!

my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Is this some sort of dig because your child is at private school?
Is she jealous?

The whole thing is weird to me to be honest. I don't get what her point is. Does she think white people don't go to private school - it's just Asian kids!? Dunno. Weird.

Don't. Just leave it or you'll make it worse and embarass your son.

But you also said you know this isn't true.

It sounds like she was trying to say "other party is full, he has more school friends (from the non Asian community) than we expected/ realised".

Aka being a bit clumsy because she's trying to be polite in response to your rude request for an invite that you weren't given.

And so now you're trying to encourage a witch hunt against her on Mumsnet.