10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

this !!100%

Until the parents divorce and you don’t see the step grandchildren again. Sad as it is, this is a potential reality & obviously the grandmother wanted a picture with her biological family only. She’s not wrong to feel this way, even if others feel differently.

The practical solution for OP is to have her DH formally adopt her eldest daughter. But the 'prize' is a family that has been so needlessly cruel. I would still press ahead with adoption. It secures her place in the family. Any inheritance should be equal to her sister's.

How could anyone be so mean to a 10 year old :(.

This is horrific OP, I wouldn't feel bad about your reaction.

In my family in this situation, your daughter would 100% have been included in the grandchildren photograph

That's awful, some people are just ignorant and pathetic - I'd have wanted to have told aunty to F off at breakfast!

Does the eldest’s extended family on the fathers side include your younger one in their family events? The eldest has a whole other family the second one doesn’t have.

This issue is caused by men fathering children them walking away and not including them in their lives. If your eldest had her father’s extended family in her life she wouldn’t need to piggyback into her step fathers family.

You did nothing wrong OP. Your daughter should have been included in the photographs. I don’t have anything to do with my biological family either, but if I did my mum would’ve still expected me to be included in family events.

I must say I’m shocked at some of the comments on this thread. Some are really nasty and uncalled for.

… and the aunt sounds a mean spirited witch 🧙

Sadly so.

You have every right to be upset op- don’t be embarrassed. You are only human and acted with emotion in the moment.

They should apologise to you/ your daughter for being so thoughtless.

I don’t get people sometimes. My step grandchild is included in our family as much as anyone else. I can’t imagine behaving any other way.

Maybe because this is a website used mainly by mothers, many in similar situations, posters can’t see that this is a game of ‘chicken’ being played with a child’s emotional wellbeing by her mother. You found a new daddy for your child but you didn’t find a new extended family for her. You’re trying to cast them (husband’s relatives) in certain roles without their agreement and using the fact that people don’t want to upset children to try to force compliance. Even treating her nicely and generally including her isn’t enough. Nothing less than 100% compliance is acceptable from people who never chose to be in this position.

I strongly suspect that the reason these children don’t see their ‘blood’ family is because of some women’s tendency to try to cut out reminders of their difficult previous relationship. They’ve found their children a new daddy, his family are designated the child’s new extended family (without their consent) and old relationships are allowed to wither. These ‘grandparents’ are better, especially if they have better health, more energy and money, a more congenial personality and more to offer a child generally.

I’m not a person who is so focused on genetics in relationships, though I note the strong pull of genetics, whether we like it or not. Adopted children are often strongly drawn to their birth parents, even when those birth parents are just not good for them. What I object to, is coercion and manipulation of any kind. It’s not right to try and force people to act a certain way, using the fear of being branded cruel to a child to keep them in line.

There needs to be a greater openness and honesty about family relationships, with expectations kept in check. The child’s birth family will always be their first family and whatever happens between the parents, a loving mother needs to nurture those relationships unless they are seriously dysfunctional. It’s good for every child to have a sense of belonging, without question. They can have that with their birth family, even if it’s a bit messy. And they can have a second family that isn’t trying to be a replacement for the original family. I suspect that when people don’t feel they are being forced into a role they are more likely to take it on willingly.

OP I think I recognise you from previous threads about your family. Have you taken any advice and looked into counselling for you and your oldest?

Your in laws have made their feelings quite clear and I don't see how these emotional scenes are doing any good.

I really hope your children bought your "I'm ill" excuse for crying. Otherwise all you've done is teach your eldest that this is something to cry and be dramatic about.

Your DP should treat the girls as equally as possible. His extended family should be polite and warm to both children. They don't have to see your eldest as their actual grandchild/niece/cousin though.

If you weren't invited to this family photo, then that means it was only for close blood (or adopted) family. No wives/husbands included surely means no step children either.

Your daughter has a mother, a father, and a step-father. It's not your dp's family's fault that the father is useless.

I think it was fine for them to want the photos without your oldest child in but they could have gone about it in a better way. It should have been done discreetly and all children should be treated with kindness.

Extended families don’t always feel the same about step children as the step mothers and step fathers do, who have chosen to have them in their lives. We have step nieces and nephews and although we treat them the same in terms of gifts, day to day stuff, we don’t feel the same way we do about our biological nieces and nephews. I have always made sure I have taken some photos with my children and my biological nieces and nephews only.

Just as an aside. I still see my ex step kids. They are my dd's sisters. Somw would say half. We never will. I can't tolerate my ex but I still see them.
They are 22 and 25 now.

But she is different and different isn't bad.

The oldest DD has a mother, an absent father, and a step-father.

The youngest DD has a mother and a present father.

They are different, with different family stories and roots along with different relationships with extended family. That is normal. As long as both children are loved and happy at home then there's no issue.

I think it's much better to teach children to be matter-of-fact about their family circumstances then to teach them it's something to cry about.

I think you need to control your emotions around your children

I think its fine for DHs family to choose their blood relatives to be in wedding photos

I think they could have been more discreet

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them.

It is hard. To you you have your perfect nuclear family - you, your husband, your two kids. From their perspective, your DH stepdaughter is not the same as a bio child and they don't regard her as a "true" cousin/niece etc.

Has your DH adopted her? This might shift their view as it gives a permanence to his relationship with her, she becomes his daughter in her own right even if you separate.

What a bizarre post. OP is a human, not a cuckoo!

No, that was a sparky pointed comment by the family member. What nasty little package of a family, OP!

Your behaviour drew attention to the situation and upset your daughter (who was fine about it up until then). Who upset your daughter? You did. Yes, it was a tactless decision but you can't dictate how other family members feel and all your childish outburst did was make it worse for your daughter, you're right to feel embarrassed. An adult discussion later, without any children present, would have been better but I guess you know that.

Why though? Why can't you view them all equally?
I won't go as far as a pp and say its a personality disorder. But why so obsessed over blood? Rather than just family.

I feel like I’ve read this thread before! Does anyone remember an almost identical post about a wedding with photos involving a non-blood related child and mum crying over it? Maybe it’s my imagination.