To be alarmed that he wants to move in.

[OldLobster]

Maybe I'm being too territorial / selfish but I'd like some second opinions...I'd like to add from the start that no children are involved in this muddle!

Met DP about 2 years ago. He had been separated for several years at that point but he and ex-wife put off selling the house while their daughter took A levels and then went to uni locally...during this time he slept in a little annex they had in the garden...no room for doubt there as I have met and spoken to ex-wife who seems nice (but very different personality to DP) she was aware of me from the start and I have observed said annex. Their daughter has now finished her course and started a job away from home and they have just put their house on the market.

From the start DP Used to come round to see me unannounced...staying over gradually became 3 then 4 then 5 nights a week although he would go home to shower, wash clothes etc. At one point he asked if we could spend more time together and I said I'd prefer to keep it at 3 or 4 nights a week...which he ignored. Yes, at this point I should have stood my ground but pathetically, I did not. My house is tiny and I work from home. We split cooking and food costs but I found it quite tiring because possibly due to upbringing and poor boundary management I always felt in hostess mode and behaved in the way I would if a friend or relative came to stay....I love my family but I'd be exhausted if they stayed for months...and miss my own space. I've tried to explain this to him...that this setup is very different from the dynamic or sharing a home together (as I've done with previous partners).

Predictably, and here we enter territory where cocklodger comments are likely and justified, the bills went up, heating, oven on all the time etc. I'd be a little more prudent when living alone. He didn't offer any help or any little token as I would when staying with a friend. Slightly tricky as he is seldom here during the day except at weekends. I've not given him a key. He doesn't live here but spends most of his free time here amd every night.

I felt embarrassed mentioning that the bills had gone up which i did after 3 months, he did actually push back a little when I did so but then started giving me the amount by which they had increased. I felt shoddy even asking.

I'd like a break from this arrangement ...so have suggested that before we look at him moving in properly or of getting somewhere together, we perhaps spend 3 months sharing an off season rental (there are lots of holiday cottages where we live and during the winter these are no more expensive than my mortage). Our incomes are similar but I have a fairly large mortgage that takes up half of mine and DP will, in addition, be getting bank interest on his house sale money. This little break would give me a chance to see what its like to live together rather than in my home where most of the costs and upkeep naturally fall to me. As mentioned, my house is tiny...there's barely room for my belongings
Dps bank interest alone would cover most of the rental and it would only be for a few months.

He likes the idea however has stated that he doesn't want to pay for it all and will only entertain it if i pay half..instead he'd like to stay at mine, paying 400 per month (my mortgage is 3 x this).

I'm not usually tight-fisted but in this case am I, for feeling that he should really be offering to take on this responsibility, just fora few months, as I have done so for 18 months?

💯 this ..
Well said PP 👏

He let you sleep on the floor while he slept in your bed. GET RID.

He then inferred that a lot of women expected to be 'kept'...and told me to go and find some rich man if that's what i wanted.

This is the kind of really nasty stuff you need to be careful of. He's trying to convince you that you are the user if you don't want to provide a home for him for the pittance he's decided to offer.

Either dump him or tell him to get his own place to accomodate himself and his visiting child. Let him see how economical he finds that.

Don't let him move in and ruin your comfort.

Someone pushing the relationship faster than you want it to go is never a good sign.

Having said that, I wonder if its worth asking him what his thinking is with regards a £400 contribution. Advice on here is often to avoid contributing to the mortgage of someone else's property. Perhaps that's on his mind. Or maybe hes trying to freeload...

You really need to work on these people pleasing tendencies that you have.

You slept on the floor while he slept in your bed, IN YOUR OWN HOUSE?!

Is this some sort of joke?

stop being so utterly pathetic

I mean, at this stage you may as well lay down in front of him and let him walk all over you physically as well as metaphorically

sorry to sound rude but honestly!

This ^

That he let that happen, and didn't take steps to ensure you never feel you need to do that ever again, tells you everything you need to know about this prince among men.

I will bet the £63.67 that I have in my bank (until payday) that if you allow him to move in,he will pay his £400 for a few months then he will 'forget' to pay

Absolutely 100% - you just know it’ll be ‘sorry babe I’m a bit short this month I’ll pay you next month’ - then he’ll deny that ever happened .
Then before you know it, it’ll be 6 months that hrs not given you a penny and he’ll decide you've managed ok so you don’t need his money.

These cocklodgers all operate the same way

FFS OP grow a backbone, for your own good! Why are you even asking these questions, after all you’ve posted about his character here!! You even admitted he financially played his ex wife when with her. Red flags all over!! Do not move in permanently with this man. Hes gonna be saving money each month for himself, and watch you scrimp and save and do NOTHING to contribute

C'mon, lets not berate @OldLobster , grifters like him always target people who are nice!
But yes, you do need to wise up OP!

deleted because I hadn’t RTFT

I was trying to be balanced in my earlier comments. However the more you post OP, the more he just doesn't sound very nice.

Op, do not let this mean, tight fisted man live with you or take advantage of you any more. Don't even compromise with him, as you have already been doing that and it sounds like he has taken advantage. If you want to continue the relationship, definitely make him get a place and go and stay with him rather than have him continue to profit off you.

Paying a tiny bit extra for your bills doesn't account for wear and tear on your property and full use of everything in it at his convenience. You pay all the interest on the mortgage and you pay for the upkeep and have the inconvenience of having to share your space! You definitely shouldn't have had to buy a new bed or do anything else to accommodate him and the comment about women being kept is him deflecting from exactly what he is doing. Final point, £400 a month isn't even enough to rent a room in the majority of the UK. It's insulting. This man is not on your team, he's out for himself. There are lots of good people out there who wouldn't do this. You deserve one of them.

Beggars belief. Worse, Then the op had to buy a king sized bed just to be allowed back into her own bed.

What has fuzzled my thinking somewhat, is that he does lots of 'good deeds' in the outside world.. buying drinks for elderly men in pubs, cutting pensioners hedges.

Two thoughts:

1. Street angel, house devil.
2. Narcissists like to do this sort of public display.

The more you write about him, the more unpleasant he seems. He would never make one of those people sleep on the floor!

If it’s what you were hoping for do that! It’s literally - or should be - the default situation. He doesn’t get to move into yours by steady - the default option has to be that he gets his own place!

Tell him this is what is happening - he can’t move into yours, therefore he has to get his own place. And when he does, make sure that staying over is 50:50.

If he doesn’t respect that, then I’d bin him. He’s already shown he doesn’t respect your boundaries so tbh I’d probably just bin him anyway.

Sell the bed & get rid - he sounds horrid Op. You deserve so much better.

Imagine life without him taking up so much space in your head.

Imagine not having to negotiate how to live in and finance your own home.

Imagine not worrying about your boundaries being trampled over.

Imagine being free.

I really hope you end this relationship with him. It sounds as if not allowing him to move in will be enough.

Look at it this way...by continuing to enmesh yourself further with this cocklodger you are blocking yourself from meeting someone who will actually genuinely treat you like the lovely person you sound like you are. Imagine being cherished and having someone willingly wanting to contribute and add over and above value to your life.

You would also lose your single person council tax discount if he moved in, so add that in as well.
But agree with others, don't let him move in. Not enough room for him or his stuff.

Oh bless you.
The hello kitty house is something I would do. I am married but I like my own space. If I found myself on my own there is no way I'd have a big bed or large TV or any other man thing. One friend even got a fluffy little dog to keep the tight fisted wozerks away.
My BFF I mentioned is very pretty and from a wealthy family. Last heir standing. Current boyfriend proposed after he saw the old ladies £600k cottage!
Any man that takes money off a woman is disgusting. I earn (when I'm well) 5 times my husbands salary. I don't pay for much. He gives me the bill money.

I start by having The decorators in so he can't stay. Tell him you've got a big project on at work so you need your space. Or if you're brave enough you think this has run it's course.

This man sounds like my Ex. He was a covert gold digger. He is going to sponge off you and use every excuse in the book to justify it. He’ll give you the bare minimum whilst taking advantage of your giving nature.
He has subconsciously already trained you to be in ‘hostess mode’ - to treat him like the Lord of the manor in YOUR OWN HOME. it’s a cunning ploy to rinse you and put pennies in his own coffers.
These men see every penny saved as a huge gain and power trip - a bit here on food (someone else is providing), a bit here on electricity (paid by someone else) they get off on it honestly.
He will only ever give you the bare minimum in return. It will never get better.
You will lose your safe space - your home, your money and your dignity.
I cannot stress enough how fast you should extricate yourself from this situation.
Do not rent with him, do not Airbnb, do not spend another penny on this controlling, tightfisted grifter.
Take it from me, I’ve been there and there are decent men out there. Get rid of this leech!!

Honestly, I actually am disgusted at these men. I wish you could see now how much happier, healthier and safer you will be without him. He’s a piece of shit. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s absolutely repulsive.

I wonder does his daughter have no time for him because of how he treated her and her mother while living with them.

You seem very passive, as if you have no choice but to have this parasite imposed on you.