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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t work out how much DH golf is reasonable - help!

86 replies

Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:17

Married 13 years, decent marriage most of the time.
DH has loved golf for the most part but this is the one thing that causes friction.
Currently plays once a week 8-1pm Saturday or Sunday, or a Friday afternoon. Has been on a 4 days trip to Spain already in June this year, a few corporate days in the week, playing at another club in a week or so (a few hours away)
Just found out by accident (without him checking in first) that he has booked another ‘stay over’ mid August a few days before we go on our summer holiday, a weekend we’d use to pack and get sorted.
Its an understatement to say I am furious, this is costing over £300 when he’s already spent so much already and I’ve helped him with some of it.
Its making me so resentful to the point I stiffen up even at the mention of golf or anything associated with it because frankly I think he’s taking the piss.
We have a 6, 11 & 14 year old so pretty busy with activities too.
He say it’s his ‘hobby’ and he doesn’t stop me doing anything (I go to a few 6am gym classes and straight to work so he will do school drop off on 2 days)
I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m festering on the edge of psycho at the moment as he just can’t see my POV 😕
Any advice welcome…..

OP posts:
Everintroverte · 22/07/2025 12:20

I would be furious to OP, mainly because it's just before your family holiday so assume that the prep will all fall to you. I would be booking myself the equal time away, alone. Let him manage work, kids and home for a week and see if he still feels the same.

Edited to add - as for paying for it. It's his hobby so he should be paying for it himself.

PermanentTemporary · 22/07/2025 12:22

The time itself sounds ok in isolation. From what you’re saying, the time and in particular money involved is increasing from what you already felt was quite a big compromise on your part, and that’s making you feel like he doesn’t see the compromise you’re already making.

Your reaction does sound really strong but is it the default parent thing? Not that it’s so crazy for him to go on 2 weekends away, but that when he books something like that without consulting you, he’s single handedly decided what you are going to be doing that weekend - you’ll be looking after the kids. Filling your calendar without discussing it. Maybe that’s why you’re so furious?

Mrsttcno1 · 22/07/2025 12:23

I think you need to pinpoint what the issue with it is,
so that you can communicate that more clearly because I wonder if maybe it’s not obvious what the problem is to him now.

Is the problem the time it takes up? If so, how can you make sure you both get that same time so if he gets 5 hours on a Saturday then do you also get 5 hours each week? If not, that’s your issue.

Is it the cost? If so then do you have shared finances, is it money you can’t afford to spend,
do you also get £X to pay for a hobby/treatment etc? If not, there’s your issue.

Or is it the secrecy? My husband & I both have hobbies, no issues with that, we both get the time to enjoy those, but we don’t dictate to each other and so neither of us would book a trip without checking first.

wizzywig · 22/07/2025 12:24

I only had to read the title to tell you: whatever he is wanting to play is too much.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 12:24

He should have told you about the August trip but one day a week playing golf doesn't sound much at all.

QuickFawn · 22/07/2025 12:24

It doesn’t sound that much if he’s pulling his weight in other ways
dc are mostly old enough to pack themselves and your dh can also pack himself so is there really that much to do?

the trip is booked so that wouldn’t be the hill I’d die on as it’s already done

If you think golf in general feels like it’s impacting you all to much and perhaps it should be a Friday afternoon as to not impact family time or if it’s a weekend day then it’s ever other weekend focus on that sort of compromise?

ErrolTheDragon · 22/07/2025 12:25

Anything which requires a stay and significant expenditure should be discussed between partners with kids.

RandomMess · 22/07/2025 12:25

The secrecy, money, default parent and timing of this trip are the issue.

Thats what you need to tell him.

It was a secret because he absolutely knows it’s bad timing.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 12:26

QuickFawn · 22/07/2025 12:24

It doesn’t sound that much if he’s pulling his weight in other ways
dc are mostly old enough to pack themselves and your dh can also pack himself so is there really that much to do?

the trip is booked so that wouldn’t be the hill I’d die on as it’s already done

If you think golf in general feels like it’s impacting you all to much and perhaps it should be a Friday afternoon as to not impact family time or if it’s a weekend day then it’s ever other weekend focus on that sort of compromise?

I doubt the 6 year old will be able to pack very effectively. The 11 year old should, but might need a bit of a hand/check .... def the 14 year old should be doing their own, and the DH.

pontipinemum · 22/07/2025 12:26

I'd be annoyed. To book a weekend away without even telling you. Not that he needs your permission but a discussion is needed when kids are involved.

I would be booking my own girls weekend somewhere for October

GoldDuster · 22/07/2025 12:28

If you can't spend an equal amount of time and money doing a hobby of your own then it's too much.

waterrat · 22/07/2025 12:28

It's tricky Op as with 3 kids life is so full on - and what mother in the history of the world would just randomly book a full weekend away in the run up to a holiday? and not tell their partner and just absolutely assume it would not be a problem to leave their 3 kids with someone else?

Original poster
Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:31

FrenchandSaunders · 22/07/2025 12:24

He should have told you about the August trip but one day a week playing golf doesn't sound much at all.

You’re totally right here, I am fine with the once a week and the Spain trip but it’s like he’s trying to get in extras wherever he can at the moment, he didn’t tell me about the August trip as he knows what my response would be, which is the thing that’s hurt me the most to be honest - sod her type of thing.
ive told him if he goes I’m done - extreme I know but I want to make it clear it’s not okay 😟

OP posts:
Original poster
Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:32

waterrat · 22/07/2025 12:28

It's tricky Op as with 3 kids life is so full on - and what mother in the history of the world would just randomly book a full weekend away in the run up to a holiday? and not tell their partner and just absolutely assume it would not be a problem to leave their 3 kids with someone else?

On the money here, this is why I’m so mad. He also is unable to fund this, which is just ridiculous

OP posts:
Beamur · 22/07/2025 12:32

My DH has a time consuming hobby (not golf) and probably spends one full day at the weekend and a half day during the week. So half a day a week doesn't sound much to me!
It also includes trips abroad a couple of times a year.
What is actually annoying you? Is it the cost, the inconvenience to you? The prioritising the hobby over other needs? (This has been an issue for me)

Original poster
Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:33

GoldDuster · 22/07/2025 12:28

If you can't spend an equal amount of time and money doing a hobby of your own then it's too much.

I am happy with what I do, so don’t feel the need to have equal time, as such. I also have my own money so no issues there either. It’s the selfishness and consideration that’s making me so upset tbh

OP posts:
Beamur · 22/07/2025 12:34

If he can't afford it how does he think it's going to be paid for?

Whiningatwine · 22/07/2025 12:34

I dont think it sounds like a lot of time to be honest. What would annoy me is if I'd had to sub his portion of the family holiday costs, but he was spending money on the golf trip.

Regardless he should have told you before booking the trip, rather than just assuming.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 12:34

My DH is a golfer. Usually one day a week, sometimes an evening too in the summer. And two weekends away every year. He always always checks with me, and won’t go if it’s a problem, and will cancel last minute if there’s a crisis at home. To be honest, I’d support this weekend away if we’d discussed it and he’d helped with holiday prep beforehand. It’s the fact that he didn’t even ask and just assumed you’ll do all the work for the holiday. I know my husband would have been repeatedly asking if I was absolutely sure it was okay for him to go, never just assuming, and being very aware of the impact at home. I do encourage him to go. There’s a large group who go and trying to find a date for everyone is tricky so I wouldn’t want him to miss out just because we had a holiday the next week.

Original poster
Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:35

Beamur · 22/07/2025 12:32

My DH has a time consuming hobby (not golf) and probably spends one full day at the weekend and a half day during the week. So half a day a week doesn't sound much to me!
It also includes trips abroad a couple of times a year.
What is actually annoying you? Is it the cost, the inconvenience to you? The prioritising the hobby over other needs? (This has been an issue for me)

I think it’s the total lack of consideration for this one, I can totally cope and want him to have and enjoy the hobby. He joined and expensive club yet is spending more money playing at other places!

OP posts:
Original poster
Southern1964 · 22/07/2025 12:36

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 12:34

My DH is a golfer. Usually one day a week, sometimes an evening too in the summer. And two weekends away every year. He always always checks with me, and won’t go if it’s a problem, and will cancel last minute if there’s a crisis at home. To be honest, I’d support this weekend away if we’d discussed it and he’d helped with holiday prep beforehand. It’s the fact that he didn’t even ask and just assumed you’ll do all the work for the holiday. I know my husband would have been repeatedly asking if I was absolutely sure it was okay for him to go, never just assuming, and being very aware of the impact at home. I do encourage him to go. There’s a large group who go and trying to find a date for everyone is tricky so I wouldn’t want him to miss out just because we had a holiday the next week.

Yep, and I’m similar. This trip is unneeded and excessive quite frankly. He didn’t check, that’s where I have the issue, he didn’t check because he knows what I would have said.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 22/07/2025 12:37

It's always male golfers or cyclists isn't it? You rarely hear of a woman prioritising her hobbies over her family and getting indignant when called out on it. Funny that.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/07/2025 12:40

The playing once a week would be fine with me. The trips away without discussion are selfish.

Make him aware that his holiday prep/packing is down to him.

Do not contribute in any way to the cost of his golfing from now on. If he has less money for your holiday because of the golfing trip then he is the one who goes without.

If you can afford it, book some time away for just you. Make the time convenient for you, not him. Then tell him you will be away. Any pushback from him you can point out this is what he has done to you. He can be default parent with no autonomy for a week/long weekend. Do no prep for him. The kids are old enough to tell him when they need lifts, what they need etc.

Loopytiles · 22/07/2025 12:46

There’s a huge mismatch between his and your leisure time and costs.

Equality needn’t mean the same but he’s clearly taking too much.

cwmflahwbml · 22/07/2025 13:05

I don't think playing once a week is excessive. At least he's not playing Saturday and Sunday. You also go to the gym so you also have leisure time. So in that respect, it's fair.

However, I don't think the overnight trip is ok the weekend before your holiday. That's not fair because you have to get ready and that means the bulk of the preparations are left to you. Any overnight trips need to be discussed as a family to see whether they are feasible and which dates would be appropriate. He shouldn't be booking things without discussion.

And this, is the worst bit:
this is costing over £300 when he’s already spent so much already and I’ve helped him with some of it

Why are you helping him to pay for this? How do family finances work? Do you pay a certain amount into the family pot and you can spend what you have left or do you ensure that both of you have the same amount of spending money each month?
He needs to be paying for the golf trips out of his own money and if he can't afford it because he's already been on a trip this year then he can't go.
There's no way I'd be paying for his golf trip out of my own spending money and going without because he can't or won't budget properly.

I think you need to sit down calmly, probably after the holiday and discuss the last two points: financing and scheduling of the golf trips.