Can’t work out how much DH golf is reasonable - help!

[Southern1964]

Married 13 years, decent marriage most of the time.
DH has loved golf for the most part but this is the one thing that causes friction.
Currently plays once a week 8-1pm Saturday or Sunday, or a Friday afternoon. Has been on a 4 days trip to Spain already in June this year, a few corporate days in the week, playing at another club in a week or so (a few hours away)
Just found out by accident (without him checking in first) that he has booked another ‘stay over’ mid August a few days before we go on our summer holiday, a weekend we’d use to pack and get sorted.
Its an understatement to say I am furious, this is costing over £300 when he’s already spent so much already and I’ve helped him with some of it.
Its making me so resentful to the point I stiffen up even at the mention of golf or anything associated with it because frankly I think he’s taking the piss.
We have a 6, 11 & 14 year old so pretty busy with activities too.
He say it’s his ‘hobby’ and he doesn’t stop me doing anything (I go to a few 6am gym classes and straight to work so he will do school drop off on 2 days)
I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m festering on the edge of psycho at the moment as he just can’t see my POV 😕
Any advice welcome…..

One day a week spending until 1pm doing a hobby is completely reasonable.

In many situations a night or two away every few months is also normal and reasonable between most couples.

Or triathletes 🙄, that's a popular thing to embrace when you have your first child. I am yet to see either here or with the people l know, a woman who prioritises some bollocks time hungry / expense hungry hobby. It's always the men!

Yeah, lm looking at the husband of a previous work colleague of my mothers. Followed Manchester United to an obsessional degree, ruled his wife and children's weekends for decades. The cost was ridiculous, to the degree the children never got a foreign holiday

@Southern1964 the whole thing is out of order from him. The time, the cost, the secrecy, the entitlement, the lack of respect etc. I would also pick the latest thing as a hill to die on. Why do you have to do the donkey work of packing and organising for 5 people?!

How is he planning to pay for it?

yANBU- I’d be annoyed as well.

He can do his share of holiday prep in the evening or the weekend before the one he’s away, that’s no so much the issue, it’s the cost without discussing would annoy me. My exh was like this, he’s my exh!

i would explain again what the issues are with him going away when there is a holiday to pack for and can he not go

if he chooses to go then I would pack for me and the kids, including getting all passports tickets etc together, and tell him he is reasonable for his own washing and packing and sorting his passport.

I would also not be leaning h8m any money for any golf trips, or indeed anything to do with golf

Ex golf nut here. The one morning/afternoon and the corporate stuff I did myself. But there's no way I'd book a trip in August with school aged kids at home (plus holidays are always more expensive then anyway). And there's no way I'd do it without talking to my wife.

She would confiscate my balls...and not just the ones I hit round the course.

I agree that the time isn't too much of an issue, but the secrecy about booking the weekend away is.

My DH does a sporting hobby that involves occasional weekends away (3 times a year tops). He'd never book one without checking in with me first because I'd be really annoyed.

$300 spent on himself? Send him off with his Christmas card and that’s him sorted until 2026.

This is golf, it's like a cult, an obsession, a lifestyle....call it what you will, but it's not your typical hobby believe me. My DH plays every week, sometimes more and goes on several trips a year, finds ways of playing through work and every which way! He's in a club and what will be happening is your DH will be seeing all his golf mates playing a lot more often and he'll be noticing the ones who are up there every day or going on trips all the time. He'll be thinking that his amount of playing is a lot less and not unreasonable, and he's already missing out cos John, Peter and Jack are out on the course three times a week and going to 10 trips a year and he often has to turn them down. But then he comes home and he's got responsibilities (probably so do John and Peter and Jack and he can't understand how they "get away with it"). He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, so tries to sneak the trips in.

Don't take it personally, this is a golfer. It's better to have a conversation with him about what's reasonable and for him to understand that you support his golf but that there's an impact on you and the family that needs consideration. Meet each other halfway, make sure he communicates and commits to when he'll pack and pull his weight in holiday preparation, for example. And make sure you get your breaks too. Give and take....but you're in a threeway relationship....you, DH and DGolf
Xxxx

So how is he paying for it?

I feel your pain op. Yes there obviously is an inbalance of time and money involved with your 2 hobbies. Reminds me of my dxh.
I did aerobics at local gym twice a week. Needed new trainers.
He did flying lessons and bought a fucking plane.
Note he is Xdh

Don't pay for any of his golf, ever. Tell him he needs to pack his own holiday case BEFORE he goes for golf weekend, and DO NOT check it for him. If he arrives on holiday with fifteen shirts and no trousers, it's not your problem.

Thank you so much for this, you literally couldn’t be more accurate.
it feels silly to even think that golf could actually cause our marriage so much strain.
he plays with one younger friend (30 - no kids) and one older 60 (rich as hell with grown up kids) so it definitely is the case that he thinks he’s ’loosing out’ therefore placing me in the unreasonable zone.
I’ve asked to speak about it and add in some boundaries because at the minute he seems to think that any spare time he has, we have, can be didn’t on the golf course! Example last week where I had travelled with work international Sun - Thursday. Friday came and it’s an afternoon on the course, followed by a comp on the Saturday till 2pm. I was so jet lagged but that wasn’t even considered.
he travels a lot with work too by the way - so not a one way thing!
thank you x

Jesus. It’s just so bloody common!

He’ll just pay it nearer the time, on pay day, eating into next months disposable income.

Whose disposable income? His? Or family money? Or yours?

His disposable income. He contributes heavily to mortgage and bills

Ok. But why did you help him by paying towards the 300 quid? If the golfing trips are to be paid out of his disposable income then he needs to budget accordingly, not rely on your disposable income.

Don't give him any more money for this shite.

He should also be packing for at least one of the kids, as well as himself. He doesn’t get to abdicate from being a parent just because he’d rather play golf. In fact he can pack for everyone except the OP.

I’m afraid golf is like a cult. Similar to cycling, triathlons and rowing (except most rowers retire before they hit middle age). When I was a student, I worked on the bar at our local golf and country club. It was primarily middle/old aged male golfers. Usually wanting to escape the wife/kids and/or flash their money and/or look like the big man. It was enough to convince me never to get involved with a man who plays golf.

Women need to get more international hobbies.

Then that shouldn’t be an issue, it’s his disposable income to do what he wants with, as long as he doesn’t struggle to pay the bills because of it

what hobby do YOU do?

ive told him if he goes I’m done
that's such an extreme reaction. He's not doing much. Once a week and a few trips? Why isn't he allowed to have a life.

The only thing he's done wrong is not telling you in advance, that's just rude.

I think you are completely BU.

The packing does not to be done that weekend, he can do his share (kids included) before he goes golfing. I am trying to imagine my DH telling me he'd walk out if I go on one weekend away - the second this year? I'd think he lost the plot!

No one is stopping them.

Plenty of women have hobbies that take them at least all over the country, and away one or two weekends a month. It's not for everybody, but it's unreasonable to resent them just because you have different preferences.

I don’t think his hobby 3 hours a week is unreasonable at all. But booking time away and spending family money without discussing it first is unfair.