Can’t work out how much DH golf is reasonable - help!

[Southern1964]

Married 13 years, decent marriage most of the time.
DH has loved golf for the most part but this is the one thing that causes friction.
Currently plays once a week 8-1pm Saturday or Sunday, or a Friday afternoon. Has been on a 4 days trip to Spain already in June this year, a few corporate days in the week, playing at another club in a week or so (a few hours away)
Just found out by accident (without him checking in first) that he has booked another ‘stay over’ mid August a few days before we go on our summer holiday, a weekend we’d use to pack and get sorted.
Its an understatement to say I am furious, this is costing over £300 when he’s already spent so much already and I’ve helped him with some of it.
Its making me so resentful to the point I stiffen up even at the mention of golf or anything associated with it because frankly I think he’s taking the piss.
We have a 6, 11 & 14 year old so pretty busy with activities too.
He say it’s his ‘hobby’ and he doesn’t stop me doing anything (I go to a few 6am gym classes and straight to work so he will do school drop off on 2 days)
I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m festering on the edge of psycho at the moment as he just can’t see my POV 😕
Any advice welcome…..

He definitely should have consulted you about an overnight trip. Everything else sounds ok tbh.

Book a weekend away with the girls the weekend you are home and let him deal with all the washing and unpacking

So how is he funding it?

Wait I thought you said you were having to pay it? Now he’s paying for it from his own disposable income? Which is it?

@Southern1964 We're called "golf widows" for a reason OP! 😂
I've only read your posts so forgive me if someone has already suggested this, but do you share an electronic calendar? If not, I recommend it. I put entries in my calendar and then send DH an invitation to get the time blocked out in his calendar (these could be social events or just things we need to do together and set aside the time to do) and it works really well ... most of the time.
My DH has played golf since he was a teenager (and is reasonably good) but only joined a club last year and plays 1 - 2 times per week in the spring/summer but less in the winter. He occasionally goes on a golf break (overnight stay) but probably less than once a year, but is very good about checking with me in advance about the timing and cost. A few weeks ago he double-booked himself to captain his club's team in a match with another club, even though we had a social arrangement for the same day booked a couple of months in advance by my BIL. When I pointed out to DH that he couldn't play golf because of this prior commitment he wanted to know why I hadn't put the social arrangement in his calendar. I suggested he check his calendar (which he obviously hadn't done previously 🙄 ) only for him to find that not only had BIL sent the invitation, but DH had accepted it - Oh, how I laughed! 😂 Anyway, the golf got binned and we went out as planned because DH didn't have a leg to stand on by not double-checking his calendar. 😉

Once a week as a set hobby is fine. Trips/weekends away that leave you with 100% of the responsibilities at home need discussed with you first to check it also works for you. I'd find it bad mannered and disrespectful to be 'told' after the trip had been booked. Or even worse, to have just found out by accident!

It seems like you are the default parent. It's interesting that you say he does two school drop offs a week, so that you can go the gym. Shouldn't he be doing half the drops off anyway? So it's hardly doing you a favour, if he's not even doing his half of the childcare/chores.

I agree that having a half day a week to do his hobby is not unreasonable. But the fact that he is making decisions to just go away for the weekend without discussing it, when it sounds like he is already taking you for granted, is totally unacceptable, and I can see why you are getting to a point where you are becoming resentful of even the mention of golf. He definitely knows he's wrong on this, or he would have had no problem discussing it with you beforehand.

My DH went through a similar phase - playing cricket every Saturday and Sunday, and sometimes in the week as well. Not particularly expensive, but very time consuming. Plus football in the winter. Kids were older than yours, but it got to a point where we never saw him, couldn't make any weekend plans, everything at home fell to me. And then he had the nerve to moan about me going away for a weekend with a group that I volunteer with. After a big row, we sat down and I explained to him that he was taking me for granted, I seemed to have become the default parent, how resentful I was becoming, and how damaging to our relationship the whole thing had become. We resolved it - he now plays once per week, and only if we have no other plans. It's much better.

OP, I would sit down with your DH and have a chat about how you resolve this going forward - how much time it's fair to spend on his hobby, how it should be financed, how you are going to split childcare etc from now on. It's not fair that it all should all fall to you just because he wants to spend so much time playing golf.

Most of the time his, on occasions I have helped out

As I read your post I was thinking ‘not a problem if they don’t have kids’ as I read on I thought WTAF I’d be fuming! As would he if you booked something that close to a family holiday and left the preparation and getting ready to him to sort. Tell him to do one. Rude and selfish to book without consulting first

I hardly think 5 hours a week is too much! It’s on one day, so it’s not like it’s 4 or 5 times a week! Add in which I find it far easier to pack without my DH around as he keeps adding things! OP sounds a bit controlling!

Too much time and money.

Dh used to play a bit of golf (we both did) but understood it would have to stop/become infrequent while kids were young, because he needed to give them that time. Now that eldest is 8, he is starting to take him to the range to learn a bit. No way would he spend half a day every single weekend checking out of family life to go off playing golf.

what I find depressing is how little interests and hobbies so many women seem to have, and even worst, how much they resent their partners who do.

I can't imagine how claustrophobic it must be to stay home and do nothing out of work and home chores with the kids. It's beyond unreasonable to resent your partner who has some interests out of the house.

Are these women miffed they are not "enough" for their partner, when they expect them to be content to stay home and watch tv (referring to a recent thread where a woman was fuming her partner didn't want to watch tv with her every night)

It's not about golf, but why do so many women have no interest in life out of their kitchen and cleaning? It's genuinely depressing.

I can never understand how anyone ends up in these relationships - maybe it wasn’t always like this but it’s the fact he shows so little respect to you, what you do for the family, very clearly doesn’t pull his equal share. There is only one way out of this: he has to cancel the trip and help with the packing for the holiday. It’s disgusting when you have 3 kids at those ages, it makes anything else impossible. He has to realise he consented to family life and to have kids, therefore needs to hold out until his kids are older. Regardless he needs to communicate with you before not after, and certainly not by accident!

So he gets to opt out of parenting every Saturday as well. Make sure you don’t give him any more money to do golf with.
he’s not really working when playing corporate golf!!!

tell him that he needs to pack his own bag for holiday as you aren’t doing it. Forgets his swimmers then tough. Can you bring your packing weekend forward at all? Can he take the kids out after work to the park so you can pack without interruptions

golf widows have it tough.

not being funny, but who needs an entire weekend to "pack" for a holiday?
Do people genuinely put their life on hold, and make such a faff of "packing"?

Are we talking your bog standard 2 or 3 weeks holiday, or a 6 months sabbatical in another country? An entire weekend is frankly ridiculous, even if you go camping and hiking and need all your gear and kit.

Of course both adults should pack equally, but not being allowed to do anything the weekend before the holiday is a bit much?

Maybe because raising children, cooking, cleaning, working full time, trying to maintain a couple of friendships - is all we have the bandwidth for. Show me a man with a time consuming hobby and I will show you a man who does not do 50% of the childcare/household chores.

I completely agree…but I think the answer is societal expectations are just different for women. Women are expected to be self sacrificing for their children/family.

In this scenario her DH won’t see having to pack for a holiday as a big deal. He’d likely happily fling whatever in a suitcase the night before for himself and the kids if it was left to him, & honestly…who’s to say that’s actually wrong?

My “hobby” is reading and I make a point of going on trips in the UK and abroad twice a year to visit beautiful libraries or interesting book stores or to attend literary festivals. So you really don’t need to have an intense or exotic hobby to give you some “me time”.

I don't think the amount is an issue but his assumption it is fine to go away is very inconsiderate. I would book myself into a spa the weekend before his pre holiday golf trip. Leave him with the kids and the empty suitcases, tell him you presume he is packing for himself and the kids before he goes on the golf weekend.

But if you felt you wanted to? Could you spare the time and the cash to behave like he does?

The fact that he can't afford to pay for the trips that he's booking and is presumably looking to you to fund them is a joke.

it's funny because the women I know who are on equal path with their husband share the load equally. They have to, when you both have a time consuming hobby, you need to be organised.

It's a bloody shame so many women are so focused on house chores and have no interest in having an actual life, when they could if only they wanted to.
Again, a weekend to "pack"? what is that all about.

Look, golf is a time consuming hobby.
But it doesn't see excessive really.
I'd be pissed off at a weekend booked without checking first but does it really matter if the week before you go away? How much packing do you need to do?
Your children aren't babies/toddlers that need watching every minute, and they do need to develop some independence.
Perhaps you need a hobby that gets you out more? Theatre? Cinema? Cookery classes?
Weekend away with friends/family (no children!). Just book one and tell him after the face if you want a bit of revenge.
My husband has always climbed (our son does too) - which I assure you takes up much more time than golf!
He does play a bit of golf too btw but so does my son.

Definitely book yourself a weekend away and tell him after …. just like he did. See how he likes it.

Sounds like a couple of issues, not having the courtesy to discuss with you, the financial side of it and the fact it’s the run up to the holiday. Can understand you being fed up with the lack of consideration. You have issued an ultimatum by the sounds of it but would he actually get any money back by cancelling at this stage? Surely it doesn’t take all weekend to pack for a holiday?

I’m going to take a guess here, so bare with me:
You want a partner to share life with, to enjoy hobbies alongside, to pack holiday cases with whilst planning your family trip, to make decisions together whilst discussing and debating life.
What you actually have is a husband who would rather be elsewhere every chance he gets, a man who values golf so much more than your partnership that he’s comfortable lying to you about it.
Your anger is actually sadness, which is quickly turning into resentment.

A hobby that full on can only be afforded if you either earn loads , or don't have kids- you need to put your foot down if joint finances are paying for it you should get match funding for your interests.