Graduating as an adult - AIBU?

[FrenchFancie]

I’m due to graduate (postgraduate level) next week. I went back to uni to re-train into a new career, it’s been a long and difficult year and at times I’ve genuinely thought I couldn’t do it. There have been tears lol!

Despite everything, I’ve managed it and will graduate next Tuesday. I’m really excited but (aside from DH) no-one else seems to be! Teenagers won’t come to the ceremony as they are both at a sports camp for a sport they play competitively. I’m disappointed but understand that that’s their priority. I asked my parents to come - DM said it’s too far to drive (about a 45 minute drive) and DF said he didn’t want to come. My uni does a live stream, so I shared the link yesterday. DM replied saying she might watch but her friend is also due to lunch that day (it’s a lunchtime ceremony). DF said he’s playing bridge so won’t watch. Because of the way the uni has set things up, the livestream can’t be played back afterwards, so they can’t watch later, which I told them about weeks ago.

my siblings haven’t replied to the email, so I assume not interested. One works so again, probably can’t watch, the other is a SAHM to primary aged kids.

I get that everyone is busy, and maybe watching a mid 40s woman graduate isn’t as exciting as watching the younger kids from my course do it.

My husband will be there for me on the day, so I won’t be totally alone. I just feel like (aside from DH) no one cares about my graduation. I mentioned to DF that I was getting the photography package so I would give him a proper photo and he asked why he’d want one?

AIBU to wish people in my family were a bit more bothered? It’s been a really tough year, Uni’s are not set up to help people with families and other commitments and I’ve really struggled at times.

I am perfectly prepared to be told that I need to get over myself, by the way! Just because something is important to me, I get that others don’t think the same thing. I just wonder if others would feel like me or if I’m being unreasonable to feel a bit sad.

YABU - get over yourself - you’re a woman in your 40s
YANBU - I would be a bit sad too.

Congratulations on your degree.

I think people just vary a lot in how they perceived graduation ceremonies. I remember my parents seeming much more interested in my first degree one than I was, and when I did my masters none of my lot bothered going back for the ceremony. The achievement is getting the degree - walking on stage is just a detail. But then I was young when I went to uni and perhaps just doing it because it was the done thing. We have an official photo of me in the gown... holding a plastic tube which is a pretend scroll. But I know it's just a pic of me holding a plastic tube. Perhaps it would have meant more to me if I'd come to higher education later and not taken it so much for granted.

I have not voted because I don't agree with your options. I don't think people are being dismissive because you are "only" a middle aged woman - not in the least - but I can imagine them being dismissive because they don't really see the value in watching you walk up on stage and receive a piece of paper. It is a shame they don't get where you are coming from and they won't do it to make you happy, but not wanting to watch a stream of people shaking hands doesn't mean they are not proud of you and your achievements. A bit like different love languages I suppose.

I agree.
Honestly, some of these posts are sad to read. If I knew any of you and you told me no one in your family GAF, I’d be having the day off work, cheering you on, going out for dinner and drinks and just generally hyping you up for your hard work.

Try and find a way to mark the occasion and celebrate yourselves, ladies. It’s important and you deserve to be celebrated.

We all know how boring graduation ceremonies are, but if your own parents can’t put aside their feelings of probably being a bit frustrated and bored for a few hours when their adult child is graduating, then that’s appalling of them. Guess what? The graduation isn’t about you, you feeling put out or bored, it’s about that person getting that scroll on stage, the person you love and who has, like with the OP, worked their socks off to get on on that stage.

Congratulations OP.
If it makes you feel any better my dad turned down tickets to my PhD graduation 🤷🏼‍♀️

Enjoy the day with your DH -you deserve to feel special.

I'm really sorry that your family aren't more supportive and celebratory of your achievement, that's very hurtful. When I graduated (40 years ago - yikes!) My (small) family attended and we had a lovely family dinner to celebrate.
My daughter graduated during Covid lockdown, so no ceremony at all. They tried a watered down thing the next year, but she had no interest in attending, it felt detached. Finally, this year we are looking forward to attending her Masters graduation and couldn't be more proud. She can only get 2 tickets for the ceremony, so her fiance and I will be there, but her dad, brother and grandparents will be outside ready for photos. She's worked so hard and we all want to mark that. You should be massively proud of your achievements. If I could be there, I would 😊

I voted YANBU, but I wouldn't be just a "bit" sad. I'd be really upset.

When I got my PhD, both my parents came, and so did both of dh's parents, (as well as dh of course).
They realise what a massive amount of work it had been and what an achievement it was, and wanted to recognise that, despite being away the ceremonies are generally quite boring.

I drove 200 miles once, to go to my cousin's, as her sole surviving parent had been taken ill the week before and she otherwise wouldn't have had anybody there.
Showing up matters.

Congratulations on your achievement! I'm torn between YANBU and YABU! I think that YANBU to to want more people there to celebrate with you and to be slightly disappointed that they are not. But I also think that your family are NBU to not be all that interested in attending. If they had realised that you would be hurt, then that's not OK obviously, but they really may not!

Like others said, people view graduation ceremonies in different ways, but beyond the first degree of your children, I don't think there is any general expectation of attending. I didn't even attend my own PhD graduation (to be fair, it was in a different country, and I had a just-about-turn-one year old, so we had a small combined 1st birthday/graduation party in the garden for family and close friends). Is that something you could do? Invite people to a small celebration to mark the achievement? I also only attended by Master's graduation because my husband was getting his PhD at the same time so it was a way to get more tickets and turn it into more of an event.

I have some friends who chose not to attend their 21 year old son's BA graduation, even though it isn't particularly far (day trip-able). I was slightly taken aback at first as I hadn't considered that to be an option! But they pointed out that (crucially) he really wasn't bothered, it really wasn't that interesting for them to be there and he'd was more than happy spending time with his friends, they'd been to other events that were part of his degree, and they were short of holiday time at work.

So I think YANBU to feel they way you do. But I don't think you should hold it against them too much as I think it is quite normal for them not to attend. It will still be special for you. And you do have your husband there. I think having no-one there might be a bit sad. But most people only have two people with them (usually parents) not more.

I think that's a real shame OP. I went to my friend's adult graduation, to celebrate how hard she had worked and how well she had done. But your DH will be there to celebrate and congratulate, and if your DCs are both away you should go for a slap up dinner with some celebration champagne afterwards. Well done you!

I graduated from teacher training a few weeks ago at 49. Some of the other older students had brought family but I went in my own. DH had to look after the kids and it didn’t occur to me to mention it to my parents. Graduating when you’re older is a bit of a non event. Sorry!

I'm appalled at some of the comments on this thread! "Graduations are boring" "You sit for hours to see your loved ones for 30 seconds". I can't believe how little people are prepared to do to support someone who has worked hard and is proud of their achievements.
I was late 30s when I graduated (went back to finish my degree post divorce and son being old enough to have a key to get in the house if I was late back from a lecture). My teenage son, my mom and my friend attended and were proud to sit through the boring speeches to see me walk across a stage for 2 minutes. We went for a cream tea afterwards and I introduced them to my university lecturers and friends I had made on the course. And you can bet my mom was proud as punch to display my graduation photo in her lounge.
I am so sorry OP that your family don't give you the support you deserve but I hope that you and DH have a fantastic time.

I disagree about it being a non event when you’re an adult.
I’ve taught mature students and adults completing postgraduate courses and PhDs. Those graduations are always so meaningful as the students have often been studying alongside work and a family.

From my own experience, my PhD graduation in my 40’s was much bigger deal than my UG degree at 21.

Congratulations… your parent’s attitude is horrible . I graduated again a few years ago , my husband and children came . I think it’s pretty shocking that you’re allowing your children’s sports camp to be deemed a priority above something that you will never have the chance to share with them again.
if you do not share with them how much you want them there how will know about the real priorities in life? You are encouraging them to behave like your parents and siblings.
if your own children can’t champion their own parent who has achieved something remarkable how will they champion others in their lives?
Ceremonies for many things are long and drawn out but you can make it enjoyable by going for a celebration breakfast or lunch after .

Congratulations! I can see why you’re feeling hurt but I’m not surprised.

Graduations are frightfully dull to sit through. The last one I attended was my brother’s when he graduated as a mature student about 10 years ago. It felt endless and we all had to take a day off midweek.

I didn’t even attend my OWN post-grad ceremony last year. Just went out for dinner with DP and friends to celebrate the weekend after and had the fancy docs posted to me!

Congratulations OP!!
I graduated in my 30s and I didn’t even get a call or a card from my parents. It was hurtful but just exemplified that they are in that weird set of parents who don’t want their kids to have anything they didn’t- I was the first person in my family to go to university. It was illuminating tbh and I learned a lot about our relationship in their reaction.
Go and treat yourself! You should be so proud! Well done x

Oh op, well done but these graduation things are long boring events that people go to for their sake of their 21yr old kids but once you're in your 40s you can't expect others apart from your dh to pitch up.

Just have a graduation family do at home at the weekend.

You have a good point. My PhD graduation in my 30s did feel like a bit deal, and my parents came to that along with my husband. On reflection I think this is a me thing. I was just so exhausted getting to the end of term that I couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for graduation. My mind was on other things. I wouldn’t expect siblings to take an interest though, but parents might. Maybe mine would have liked to come to my teacher training one, but it didn’t occur to me to tell them about it. When did I get so jaded? 😳

congratulations 🙌 what a great achievement.

sorry your family are all arseholes.

The event really isn't significant to anyone else. I'm surprised that an adult would ask their parents.

I had a friend in her thirties who couldn't understand why no one wanted to go to her PGCE graduation. I honestly couldn't believe she'd even bother with it at that age.

My dh did a PHD in his forties and it was only me. The ceremony was pretty tedious-and wanted to support him though. It didn’t mean the rest of his family didn’t care-they were delighted. But sitting for hours while a middle aged person shakes hands for a few seconds wasn’t necessary. It’s not so much a rite of passage as it is for a youngster.

Aww they suck! It would cost them nothing to pretend to be interested! Also they should be proud of you!

I'm proud of you girl, well done on getting through a difficult course!

Showing up matters

In a nutshell.

Yes, graduation ceremonies are boring, especially if it's a big uni. But you show up because you recognise and are proud of the effort that one of the people you love most in the world, has put into it.

Maybe post grads are a little different, but I'd still not miss my DD's moment for the world. Being there is telling your offspring that you care and are proud of them.

I was 43 when I had my PhD graduation. It was 7 years of hard work alongside a full time job and a young family. I’m the only person in my family to have been to university.

My dad declined the invitation to the ceremony and my meal. He didn’t get me a card or acknowledge my achievement in anyway - well he replied to my text telling him I’d passed. I was pretty gutted tbh.

Thankfully my in-laws are fab and asked if they could come along on the day even if it was to just be there and not attend the actual ceremony.
There is nothing wrong with celebrating your achievements even if you are an adult!

I had my masters graduation this year 40 years after my first degree. My husband, children and grandchild all came. It was an amazing day.
My first graduation had been a bit of a damp squib, for multiple reasons, and this was a lovely celebration. I think it’s worth celebrating at any age.
OP, there are lots of us who know what a great achievement this is for you. Your children will realise in about a decade. They’re still at the stage where they just assume parents can do anything so they don’t realise what a massive deal this is.
Congratulations and have a wonderful day.

That was just really odd of your dad. Did you not discuss any of your PhD during those 7 years? So that he knew the commitment it entailed? Is he one of those very hands off parents who aren't all that interested in their offsprings' lives other than to say "work going ok?", and you know as their child that the only acceptable answer is "Yes, fine" and then onto talking about THEIR favourite subject?

Totally agree with you, I did a full time college course with placement in my 40s with 2 teenage children, their activities, a house to “run” and also essays etc to write when I hadn’t been at school for 25 years.

most tiring year of my life but I passed with an A.

graduating as a mature student is an amazing celebration !