Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Yes this is what I’d do, or a variation of . I wouldn’t want to miss my sister’s wedding. Nor would I want to “push back” or risk family relations . It’s her wedding, her choice .

It’s her you need to talk to about this not mumsnet.

Can you say to her KINDLY and honestly you are getting the impression she doesn’t care about you being there and really underline the fact you probably won’t be able to be her moh? You understand it’s her wedding but it has hurt you that she’s made it so difficult for you

She probably doesn’t grasp how not ok it woUld be to leave a baby that small for that long

Side note but the kind of person who bans children from their wedding is not the kind of person I like. She’s lucky you’re even contemplating trying to make this nonsense work

People always say things like 'her wedding her choice!' but if my sister pulled this I'd honestly look her in the eye and ask if she'd taken complete leave of her senses

Your sister can do as she likes but there are consequences of her actions. If she acts like this and pisses off people they won’t forget it.

I went to an overseas wedding about 20 months ago and I’ve had nothing to do with the close relative since. Their behaviour, sense of entitlement and inconvenience to everyone was off the scale. So much so that I just can’t be arsed to spend time with them since.

Gotcha. Thanks.

You have miSsed ted part where the hotel the sisters booked them all into doesn’t take kids.

if my sister deliberately made it this difficult and stressful for me to come to her wedding i’d be royally fucked off

if the sister wants her there she should, obviously, make it easy and enjoyable for her to go

I understand people not wanting to invite (and pay for) all their friends' and cousins' children at weddings, but I absolutely judge people who exclude their own nieces and nephews. I think it's awful.

And there's no way I'd leave a 6 month old that long, even if I could find (and afford!!!) someone willing to look after a baby and toddler that amount of time, which is a VERY long shot. Especially if you're breastfeeding. I went to an overnight hen do when my baby was 6 months old, and it took me 2 weeks to pump enough milk (as there were days when I didn't have time to sit and pump, with a toddler running around too), and then the baby refused to take a bottle anyway so I had to come home early.

Have you thought about asking MIL or FIL to come with you to the place you're staying and look after the kids for the day? That way you're not leaving the kids for too long, they'll be close by for your own peace of mind and you'll still get to share in your sister's celebration?
I am sure if she has said 'no children' what-so-ever she is going into the celebrations knowing that some people can't commit that time.

Don’t do this. You will run yourselves ragged. Either sister relents for her own flesh and blood, or you don’t go. Simple.

The venue has accommodation which we are pre-booked into - I am told this is not child friendly (no travel cots, toddler beds, high chairs or changing areas).

I wouldn't go.

Oops sorry, my mistake!

I would just tell your sister that you can't.

My best friend did this - I was a bridesmaid but I had a 18 month old who was difficult for me to leave overnight because of medical issues. We missed the Friday night activities, drove down on the day and then had to drive home again after the evening party to prevent my mother being up all night with a child that couldn't sleep without me. It was grim as fuck.

I’d travel wedding day morning and leave after speeches. Leave the kids with an in law (IRL I’d leave them with a specific friend as our ILs are shit). This after asking if the kids can come and explaining it’s tricky to leave a 6mo.

I agree, what a stressful and complicated arrangement. Something is bound to go wrong.

You don't even know what your children will be like next year, in terms of needs and requirements. Your sister is being very selfish. Talk to her about it, very directly.
However, I suspect you won't be able to go.

I decorate on a rolling basis every few years. Tends to need redoing to keep it fresh but I'm just redecorating the rooms that need it. Quite a big house.

Thinking about the downstairs: lounge got done in 2007 and again in 2013/4, kitchen and hall in 2010 then left for ages and ages, kitchen redone pre covid but hall was papered so i left it looking a state, then whole house been stripped of wallpaper then repainted loads in the last 2 years,

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

DSis is exercising her right to do what she wants for her wedding and you are well within your rights to do what you think best re your kids, too.

They can have their expectations but you do not have to meet them.

I wouldn't be happy to leave young kids for 3 days.

I think I'd leave them with DH and drive down for the wedding/reception and drive back that night.

Did the bride know how much you put yourself out for her?

Dear DSis, I honestly do understand why you don't want to have children at your wedding and I know lots of people feel this way. I know from your side, it's really hard to understand why I can't leave (DC names) for that long. I honestly do get it - before I'd had kids, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. But things really do change once you have them - it's visceral and probably irrational, but I will feel as though I have abandoned them and almost put them in danger. My anxiety will overshadow the lovely day and I really do want to be present emotionally for the joy of seeing you married. I think Mum has forgotten what it's like when they're still so small.

Is there a way to compromise - maybe DH and I could get kid-friendly accommodation nearby, and DH could look after them there on the friday and the sunday, with all of us coming for the wedding itself?

At six months I was back at work full time. So leaving the DC isn’t the issue so much. There are a few options - just you attend, DH takes care of the kids. Could you all go and hire a nanny/babysitter there during the ceremony and party afterwards. Are your in-laws helpful?
It is up to your sister to decide who she wants at the wedding but I see why it’s a hassle for you..

I wouldn't go.

If you are desperate to go, and could afford a couple of cheap hotel rooms, then you could consider taking DH's parents and staying in a nearby hotel so that they can look after the children during the ceremony.

You can't stay in the pre-booked accommodation- it's not suitable.

You would be available for MOH duties literally for the ceremony only. Your sister may wish to appoint another MOH.

When my baby was 6 months I was also back at work but that would be even more reason not to leave her as I would have wanted to spend the time with her.

I'm sorry OP your sister is being so unreasonable. That's so inconsiderate of her.

We had 5 children at our wedding, a baby and the rest kids age 3 to 8 years old or so. They were a joy to have at the wedding and we arranged for few little bits of activities for the kids to keep them entertained. It was lovely having them there.

I don't understand this whole thing with child free weddings. They add to weddings, they're not (usually) an inconvenience at them. In my experience anyway.

I agree, the sister's expectations are completely ridiculous.