Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

I’d go for the day of the wedding and maybe stay that evening if you have reliable childcare, then go home the following morning. I wouldn’t do the whole three days and if they sulk about it that’s their issue.
I’m all for a child-free wedding, but it does mean you have to expect that people (even very close family) may not be able to make it, or the whole celebration.

They can expect but you can also say no. When you agreed to be MOH you were not in possession of the facts, you now are.

I get people have a right to choose a child free wedding but it’s the suck it up and deal with it attitude that pisses me off. I was pressured into this don’t rock the boat thing at my last wedding, I wouldn’t have rocked the boat but I was given an ultimatum before I even read the invite. At the time I had a TI parent who just wanted to make the parents of the bride happy so I kept quiet accepted and regretted it as I’d have much preferred being at home with my children in the end. Turns out the grooms side of the family were not happy at all as they had never had a child free wedding in their family ( neither had we), the speeches had lots of unsubtle digs from the grooms side.

You don’t have to make a fuss just say no, had you known it would be 3 days at a non child friendly venue then you would have said no from the outset. if it was just one day I may suck it up, but 3 no!

I remember thinking before kids how easy it would be to 'get a babysitter', and have a weekend away... but as soon as you consider things like breastfeeding, 100% attention required, experience, trauma for the child of being apart, nappy changing, feeding, everything!!!

I feel like society is becoming to anti-children, this would never happen in Italy or Spain, children are such a big part of marriage!

This is tricky because you're maid of honour. It's not unreasonable to have a child free wedding (complaining that there won't be photos of your children at someone else's wedding is daft imo... it's not your event). I think it's quite a big ask expect any to attend a wedding that lasts 3 days without their small children though. And since you're maid of honour, they obviously expect you to rsvp 'yes'.

I wouldn't leave my 2.5 year old for three days with anyone other than my DH, and I wouldn't have left either of my children overnight at 6 months with anyone (they were still breastfeeding overnight at that point so I couldn't have even if I'd wanted to).

If you want to go, could you stay nearby and leave them with your DH during the daytime? Otherwise you're going to have to speak to your sister and let her it's not workable for you to attend (leave all the hurt feelings about your children not being invited out of it though, unless you're prepared for a huge bust up).

I would try and find a holiday let/air bnb close to the hotel, talk to your in-laws nicely and I'd attend the wedding itself. But any more than that? not a cat in hell's.

Your sister is being a bitch. And your Mum is clearly enabling it.

Could you not bring a nanny or your DH parents for example to the place you are staying and they could look after the kids? You can then dip in/ out all day long. I did this at a wedding and it worked really well as I was BF, best of both worlds. You just need to be really organised with the timings of things.

I was really worried about the day but it was actually brilliant and I could have a little time to myself and could see my baby any time I wanted.

This of course, may not be an option for everyone so just putting it out there.

I would not go. These aren’t random kids. She should be making an exception for them. Especially as your family is so small. If she treats them so distantly then absolutely fine to skip it. She doesn’t feel bad does she

this... I couldn't leave a six month old baby.. esp if BF. I once went to a wedding a good four hours drive away and stayed overnight. There was a sort of dance thing involved and it was absolute agony as I was full of milk and people bumped into me. Not only that it was hard being away from the baby.. and that was only one night (two full days).

my thoughts exactly x

If this was my Sisters wedding, i would decline, mention that your child will only be 6 months at the time, could make it difficult for you.

Send a card & a gift of money!

Book a lovely weekend away with your Husband & Children.

Weddings are Boring now! Hundreds of Younger people, no Children, no Dancing, no one drinking a bit too much! relatives over 50!

They just want to take pictures of themselves and all there young friends, posting on Instagram!

They will have Children & get old eventually.
I cannot imagine other cultures, not inviting very young or older relatives?

Yep.

If you are only pre booked I’d be cancelling and looking for a child friendly hotel near by. They can dictate no children but they can’t dictate where you stay. (Unless a remote island with only one hotel)

My nephew had a child free wedding - his sister with 2 little ones turned up for the ceremony with her OH and DC standing outside. She left after the ceremony and didn’t speak to her brother for 20 years ( till after he got divorced !)

I would not have spent a night away from my children at those ages. Other people feel differently, but for me it would have been a non-negotiable irrespective of any pressure from anyone else.

I would probably have booked family accommodation nearby, gone to the wedding by myself while my husband spent the day with the kids and then left around 9pm to go back to our hotel. But I was breastfeeding and we didn't use bottles so I would have wanted to be back with the baby for night feeds. We'd have had to try and get the baby onto bottles of expressed milk for the day I guess but I wouldn't have wanted to push it for a whole 24 hours.

Fuck that noise. I wouldn’t leave my cat for 3 days to go to a wedding. How arrogant of people assuming that anyone would spend the time and the money to watch them getting married

I don't understand why people have child free weddings if they have niblings. Not only do you have to go, but she is insisting that you stay overnight away from them? I would stay in another hotel, leave hubby to look after them, and nip back to see them. If she wanted more from you, then she shouldn't have excluded your kids.

Personally I wouldn’t go. She’s made it impossible for you to be her maid of honour. If it was closer to home or the venue could accommodate a baby or even if it was just one day, you could go but she’s put zero consideration into enabling you to attend, so don’t.

Good ol" MN double standards again
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5373671-stag-do-4-nights-abroad-4-month-old-baby?page=1

It’s terrible to say you’ll only contribute to your child’s wedding if you get to dictate the guest list.

3 days is too much for a baby to be left with babysitters, even close family. I would explain this to sister. Explain you could maybe stretch to the main part of 1 day but would not be able to attend the whole thing.

Could you possibly book a child friendly hotel (even something like a premier inn or travel lodge have cots, high chairs ect) or a BNB nearby? That way kids and husband could stop local and you could pop in and out. I would do the ceremony and maybe the meal after only and you could pop out between ceremony and meal to see kids/ husband.

Alternatively, could you speak very nicely to DH's parents/ siblings and see if they would be willing to come and help? Same again, book them into a local child friendly hotel and you or DH pop back between ceremony and meal. Perhaps whilst the photos are happening.

At our wedding, BIL and SIL had 3 children under 3 and we offered an extra +2 to SIL to bring a family member along to help her on the day (BIL was best man so couldn't help her much), she brought her sister and mum. They also rented a local hotel room for her mum and sister (we offered to pay half) and her sister and mum took the kids with them after the ceremony and main family photos (asked photographer to do us and DH family first) to the local park down the road whilst the rest of the photos happened, then back for meal, then after the meal they went with sister and mum back to the hotel for the evening do.

I would just not go. If she really doesn't want your six month old (who may still be primarily eating/drinking breast milk), she isn't bothered about you not being there.

Discuss it with your sister (you do still talk? - see below), maybe there is a friend/family member who can travel with you and babysit during the event? My sister had exactly this - my brother arranged for his MiL to look after their children so that he could attend the wedding, my other sister took offence, didn't attend the wedding, and the family is traumatised and has never spoken ever since.

I had the same sort of wedding. It was a long time ago and my parents took control and dictated everything, including having the reception at some naff old social club and inviting all sorts of random children, knowing that I was not keen on children in general and we were planning in staying childfree.

inhated every minute and bitterly regret letting my wishes be trampled over. The children were loud, annoying and took over the dance floor. The club was cheap and nasty and the food basic buffet crap. My husband and I left early because it was just so miserable.

im long divorced and as I’m niw at the invisible age I’ll never have the chance to have the wedding I wanted then, and which I’d still choose today which is a more elegant and adult affair with no children, not even nieces and nephews of any age. I can’t say it ruined my life, but 30 years later it’s something I think back on and wish it had been different.

I say now to any couple getting married to have the day they want. It’s nit selfish, not narcissistic, not all of the insults, but it is about them and not the sister, nieces/nephews/parents/randoms. I’ve a,so found that that outside this site these kids of conversations tend to be simpler with parent saying sorry no childcare and bride/groom saying ok. But then, that doesn’t allow for all the insults against brides and/or childfree people. Btw we do understand about the difficulties, we just don’t see why it should affect our events.

Fine to have a child free wedding of course. Could you make it there and back in a day?

I wouldn’t be leaving my 6 month old baby for that amount of time - the logistics are just too much especially if you are breastfeeding. I had to go on my sister’s hen when I had a 9 month old and it took me so long to pump enough milk for the whole weekend. Then spent half the weekend on my own pumping as well. And I missed him terribly and he was so unsettled all weekend and got very distressed at night.

Hopefully there is a compromise to be found.

I know child free weddings are the trend but personally I think it's very sad when nieces and nephews aren't included in weddings.
You can bet your bottom dollar that when this couple have a child themselves it will be like the second coming of the messiah!
It's actually a horrible, a quite selfish, postion to put your sibling in.
I would explain to your sister that leaving your baby and toddler for 3 days just isn't feasible.
If you aren't BF then I would go by myself for the wedding day i only so probably 2 nights away and leave DH to look after the DC.