Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Call her bluff.

Decline to attend, withdraw from MOH duties and explain it’s because you don’t want to leave your kids for 3 days. I’ll bet she becomes more accommodating and if she doesn’t, when she has a 6 month old you can suggest she leaves it for 3 days at great expense to herself and see how she likes it.

This is unheard of amongst the majority of people I know because all family would be invited so you’d have to rely on outside care which for a 6 month old baby isn’t always possible. I think your mum and sister are incredibly selfish and totally bizarre to not have their grandchild/niece/nephew at the wedding.

If it wasn’t a close relative like this then it’s different. Say a friend, colleague or distant relative. I can understand why you wouldn’t lots and lots of children running around but this close is just wrong.

Her expectations are totally unreasonable.

Why can't the bride have the wedding day they want?

Yes this. She can't expect you to do MOH duties and leave your 6 month old with someone else all weekend, that's completely unreasonable. There is plenty of time for her to adjust her expectations if you tell her now that this is the level of involvement you'll be able to have given the age of your children and her choice of venue.

The 6 months old would be too young but why are you so shocked at the thought? They’re not going to be missing a limb, it’s their (presumably capable) father.

Unless there was a significant family fallout, I cannot imagine how anybody could want to get married without having their nieces and nephews there. Weddings are such happy and emotional moments, how can you exclude your own family like that? I find it really weird.

Were you breastfeeding? If yes, it means your baby took a bottle and you were pumping. Even if that is the case, which is rare, surely you also know it would be a tremendous amount of work to pump enough breastmilk for 3 days and 3 nights and you would then also have to pump every 3 hours throughout the weekend to maintain your milk supply.

I know, I've done both breastfeeding and pumping and I would not do it for the sake of 3 days just because someone doesn't even want my children in the same hotel as the wedding.

And even if baby is formula fed, I would be mightily pissed off to be left for 3 nights with a toddler and a 6 month old. At most I would agree to 2 days (1 night).

I would go to the ceremony and dinner but then leave. I would just explain to your sister that you can't/don't want to leave such a young baby for any longer so that's all you can commit to unfortunately.

Because a 2 year old and a 6 month old who happen to be her very own niece and nephew are going to put a complete damper on her big day.

This complicates things. Were you not part of the planning of the wedding? Isn't that normally what a MoH is involved in?

I think you need to sit down with your sister and explain the situation. On the one hand I can understand that people don't like having children at weddings, because weddings are boring for children, who can then become quite disruptive. However, this puts you, as her MoH, in an impossible position and you won't be able to attend all three days and your husband not all. If you are close to your sister, surely you can come to an agreement that will work for the both of you.

Because it’s not possible. She wants her sister there but not her children, and that is not logistically possible. The bride is not going to have the wedding she wants (if her sister does not come or comes only for the ceremony)

Child-free weddings are so joyless. I just wouldn’t go.

You know some awfully behaved kids. The weddings with children I have been to have never been like that. And I am from an Asian culture where family is all invited. So I have been to many weddings with children and no kid has done what you describe.

I know! That's why I don't want them at my wedding!

No reason to make that assumption about maternity leave.

The OP has said she'll be working FT by then. If she's in the UK or various other countries her DH could be taking some of the leave by then. Or they could both be back at work. Each is plausible, especially when we've been told OP will be working.

My son is getting married next May 2026 and its a "no children" wedding but has still invited his sister's children (8 and 3 yrs) and have also included them in the ceremony (best man/child and flower girl) as he knows his sister wouldn't be able to go if not. My daughter is a single mum and wouldn't leave her children with anyone for a full day apart from me and her brother, so its a no-brainer really. If he had said no children at all, someone would've had to miss out and he knew that.

I hope your sister realises this and invites you all. But if not, then at least I think that you could attend the ceremony day and your husband can have the children. Such a shame though.

Because what she wants is two things that aren’t compatible.

Her sister to be MoH and presumably be there for the whole 3 days.
&
A childfree wedding, where her sister has to leave her children, including a 6 month old baby, for 3 days.

I wouldn’t go - you shouldn’t have to tie yourself in knots to attend a wedding. She can pick someone else to be her MOH

How exactly does an overexcited toddler and a 6 month old baby add to the happy and emotional moments?

For lots of people they don’t.

Sometimes they’re not cute and funny, they’re noisy and annoying. Every single child in the world can be noisy and annoying. Your delightful might be someone else’s obnoxious.

I actually like children but I absolutely defend the right of any couple to not invite children to their wedding.

One of these children is either tiny or hasn’t even been born yet if the baby will be 6 months old next year. And there are no other children at the wedding where they will have to move their venue completely to accommodate them.

I went back to work full time when both my babies were quite small ie I was quite used to and was OK being apart from them.
BUT it was because I needed to earn money. It was a pain. Expressing milk, missing them, trying not to feel guilty but feeling it anyway.
I wouldn't have done that for anything other than work (or say a funeral or something) - certainly not to keep my sister happy. It would make me feel that my sister didn't know me at all.

Fortunately I come from a family where children have always been a part of big celebrations. Same for my peers. I think I went to one evening do where we needed to find childcare.

Other than that...kids came to all weddings. Oh, not now they're great lumps and I'm going to 2nd weddings!

Did you have a child free wedding OP?

You can go for the day and then go home. Or leave the kids with your husband for the weekend 🤷‍♀️

You can’t leave a 6month old for 3 days even if you have all the notice in the world. If the OP isn’t breastfeeding then I guess her DH could stay at home with the kids but I wouldn’t have left mine for that long at that age.

OP, I would drive up, go to the actual ceremony while DH looks after the kids and then drive back. It will be a totally shit day for you, your DH and the kids.

She has said that she had children at hers.

This.

Couples can invite and not invite whoever they want to their weddings. That's where their ability to have what they want stops.

It’s up to your sister whether she has a child free wedding, and up to you whether you arrange child care to be there. But whether you go or not, you’ll feel uncomfortable and it will linger.

My two girls (7 and 5 at the time) were bridesmaids for my sister when she got married 250 miles away from where we live. But they were banned from the evening do and I (MOH) had to spend the evening entertaining them in our hotel room, missing the whole thing. She wouldn’t budge on the decision. I love my sister but I’m still sore about it 13 years later.