Is this a targeted unfriending? What would you do next?

[MindfulM]

My SIL has unfriended me, my kids (her nieces and nephews) and my mum on social media all of a sudden. She’s kept all other extended family as friends. When asked about it the story we are getting is she fallen out with her brother and as a result has deleted all of her “closest”(we are not that close!) friends and family but here’s the catch.

1. We don’t know her brother and he’s not in our friends lists.
2. My mum isn’t remotely close to her, they have met probably twice!
3. We don’t live in the same town, we live hundreds of miles away.
4. Shes kept close friends on her FB who live in the same town and actually have her brother as a FB friend themselves!!!
5. Her FB friends are public so if she’s worried about her brother making contact with people, why have it public?
6. She did it and never even messaged to say “I’m having issues and need to delete people etc” I would have understood and backed her wholeheartedly if this were the truth. I suspect it isn’t.

Theres not one chance that her brother could get to her through us. Not in any way. But he could get information about her from the friends she’s kept who actually know him, have him as a FB friend and live in the same town!!!!

So my question is AIBU to think she’s got another beef with me (never had a crossed word) and her story is nonsensical crap? It feels like a targeted unfriending of anyone close to ME.

UABU-It’s totally normal to unfriend people unconnected to the brother who live far away & hurt your extended family in the process.

UANBU- It’s totally nonsensical and she must have a beef with me that I don’t know about. It’s a targeted unfriending .

So as not to drip feed. There had been crossed words between my husband and her husband (brothers) recently, but they more or less instantly made up and it’s water under the bridge. Nothing to do with me or her.

Also what would you do going forward? Cut them off? Try and get to the bottom of it? Message or ignore? I know it shouldn’t hurt and if people aren’t bothered about me and my kids I should turn the other cheek but I feel things deeply so it kind of does. I would never do this to her or my nieces and nephews (her kids) because I wouldn’t want to hurt them or have them wondering etc.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Why does it matter? Social media is a waste of head space.

She has had a Facebook tidy up, i wouldn't overthink it. Presumably you keep in touch without Facebook?

If she was annoyed at any of you she wouldn't have messaged to say anything.

I don't think there is much you can do. If you want to 'get to the bottom of it' it will be very difficult to do that without accusing her of lying. If you want to be social media friends just say 'oh that's shame, I've re-added you as a friend'

How often do you see/speak to your BIL or her in real life?

Is loosing the ability of being able to look in her window (which is effectively what SM allows ) with zero real interactions such a big loss?

Just ignore it and keep on with her as you would normally. You thinking you should cut her off because she unfriended you on Facebook is a bonkers escalation.

Rather obviously, get your Dh to speak to his brother.

Agree - a friend of mine had her MIL do the same, she let it bother her for way too long.

People who do this are clearly just attention seekers so just ignore

What would I do going forward? Absolutely nothing.

We had similar. Suddenly unfriended on Facebook, removed herself from WhatsApp groups (that were just used to wish happy birthdays, arrange catch ups etc so not full on with messages at all). It's caused a lot of upset to my DPs but ultimately none of us have asked about why. I'm not sure what it would achieve as I desperately don't want to lose touch with DB. For a reason unknown to us she's decided to massively distance herself from all his family. We have just kept quiet and try our best when we do see her. It's upsetting though, especially as like you I know she's still Facebook friends with mutual friends that I know she hasn't spoken to in many years - so not just a clean up to only have very close family and friends on there. It was a very clear decision to remove all of her in-laws from everything. We don't know what happened for her to make that decision.

It’s not necessary to have family on social media.

I have an excellent relationship with both my DM and DMIL and have neither of them on FB (and in fact one of them is actually blocked 😆 )

I would assume she’s either planning to post about something she doesn’t want to get back to your half of the family or there’s some kind of problem with her husband.

Either way social media isn’t real life, and I wouldn’t over think it.

You live hundreds of miles away so presumably you're not that close. I wouldn't worry, there are a myriad of reasons why people are unfriended.

However, ignore any future requests to add you back as a friend. They've made their position clear and so I'd have no interest sharing personal info/photos etc with them after that.

This is such a non event. It really really doesn't matter. It was a few clicks on a screen. If there is an actual reason behind it then it is her responsibility to let you know what you have done. Just carry on your life as normal.

I am shocked you even questioned it with her.

You’ll never know the answer. Live your life and pretend you’ve not noticed. She’s either pissed off with you, having a difficult time or trying to get a reaction. None of which will be helped by drama around the unfriending.

Wait until you see her/ them in person and see what happens when you’re face to
face.

If she’s met your mum twice why is your mum upset she’s been removed? They didn’t need to be social media friends anyway. It’s a little odd that she’s removed her nieces and nephews I guess (not the rest of you), but it’s far more odd that you’ve analysed her remaining friends list and come up with these theories like you have. She’s tidied up her social media…. It happens. Cutting them off or getting to the bottom of it etc is just OTT. It’s social media and you aren’t teenagers, just move on.

Thanks all. Because we live far away and don’t get to see them as often as we would like it was just a nice way to keep in touch, see what they are getting up to and nice pics of their family etc. I get that some people don’t think SM is important but we’ve been friends and SIL’s for over 20 years and always had a nice amicable relationship. The unfriending is a bit hurtful but I guess not that important in the great scheme of things. @ToKittyornottoKitty My mums not upset, I don’t think she’s noticed (I’ve not said anything to her) and wouldn’t care if she had. They were acquaintances and distant family and mum sometimes commented happy birthday etc that’s it. I did look in her friends list to try and understand out of concern wondering what had happened and when my DH asked his brother and we got the explanation it just didn’t add up.

Exactly this.

Also I do tend to overthink and worry, what have I done? Has she deleted all of our family? Is everything ok with her etc? I guess I care about others more than they care about me but if I think there’s an issue I will investigate to try and get answers. @MaxineHarper & @Morgenrot25 i know you are right. But it still hurt.

Well, of course being rejected hurts, but in the grand scheme of things it's just FB. If she does have some problem with you, real or imagined, then you'd hope she would address it by either speaking to you or working through it herself. Is she prone to drama?

@Cherrysoup yes I got my DH to ask his brother and that’s when we found out this story about her falling out with her brother. I haven’t directly contacted her but wonder if I should? Probably not as she didn’t bother to give me a courtesy message “tell the kids not to worry but…” so my kids didn’t worry why their auntie had deleted them.

She’s unfriended you in a virtual world. Do you see or speak to her in the real world?

I think she's had some sort of fight with her DH and just unfriended his side of the family.
Has she still got your DH and your MIL added?

@Morgenrot25 no she’s not usually prone to drama. That’s why I was so surprised. If she wants to “tidy up” her FB like others have suggested I’m just surprised that that would include her SIL, nieces and nephews who she’s supposed to love and care about (never shown before that she doesn’t care about my kids) and not just randoms from old jobs etc.

I would let it go and match her energy. The story about her brother sounds like nonsense to be honest. Leave her be and let your DH manage his relationship with his brother, you don't have to have a relationship with her. It's not going to impact your daily life if you live hundreds of miles apart.

@BunnyLake we don’t get to see each other regularly because of the distance but they would come and stay with us and we would meet up when we could. We would also text but mostly comment on each others pics on FB. @JustJoinedRightNow my DH and MIL aren’t on social media but she’s still got all the rest of myDH’s extended family as friends such as all the aunties uncles and cousins and DH’s dad.

@Endofyear i know this is wise advice. I do wish I knew why but to go to her and ask is just humiliating now. Non of it makes any sense to me but yeah I should just match her energy. Thanks.