Is this a targeted unfriending? What would you do next?

[MindfulM]

My SIL has unfriended me, my kids (her nieces and nephews) and my mum on social media all of a sudden. She’s kept all other extended family as friends. When asked about it the story we are getting is she fallen out with her brother and as a result has deleted all of her “closest”(we are not that close!) friends and family but here’s the catch.

1. We don’t know her brother and he’s not in our friends lists.
2. My mum isn’t remotely close to her, they have met probably twice!
3. We don’t live in the same town, we live hundreds of miles away.
4. Shes kept close friends on her FB who live in the same town and actually have her brother as a FB friend themselves!!!
5. Her FB friends are public so if she’s worried about her brother making contact with people, why have it public?
6. She did it and never even messaged to say “I’m having issues and need to delete people etc” I would have understood and backed her wholeheartedly if this were the truth. I suspect it isn’t.

Theres not one chance that her brother could get to her through us. Not in any way. But he could get information about her from the friends she’s kept who actually know him, have him as a FB friend and live in the same town!!!!

So my question is AIBU to think she’s got another beef with me (never had a crossed word) and her story is nonsensical crap? It feels like a targeted unfriending of anyone close to ME.

UABU-It’s totally normal to unfriend people unconnected to the brother who live far away & hurt your extended family in the process.

UANBU- It’s totally nonsensical and she must have a beef with me that I don’t know about. It’s a targeted unfriending .

So as not to drip feed. There had been crossed words between my husband and her husband (brothers) recently, but they more or less instantly made up and it’s water under the bridge. Nothing to do with me or her.

Also what would you do going forward? Cut them off? Try and get to the bottom of it? Message or ignore? I know it shouldn’t hurt and if people aren’t bothered about me and my kids I should turn the other cheek but I feel things deeply so it kind of does. I would never do this to her or my nieces and nephews (her kids) because I wouldn’t want to hurt them or have them wondering etc.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Maybe you're not the 'target' maybe it's one of your DC or your mum. Do any of you post things that could be controversial or just annoying?
How often do any of you interact with her? You say not as often as you like but have not give any clear idea of how often. If you speak once a year I think it's likely you're not as close as you think you are. I see some my IL's around once a year, we're very pleasant to each other and get on well but that is mainly out of politeness. I don't actually feel any connections to them like I do my own family and friends or parents in law who we have more frequent contact with.

Are you sure you’ve not misheard and she’s deleted all but her closest friends and family?

If someone is using her SM against her, it makes sense to only have the people you deem necessary and are closest to - not a distant family member (only linked by two marriages) that she’s met twice

People who are saying well it’s only Facebook, it’s only social media, it doesn’t really matter, well, yes it does. She is family, and she has basically given you all the finger and turned her back and closed the door. She doesn’t want a connection. It would be different if she deleted her account but to unfriend some family members and keep other friends means she has an agenda. I would try and forget about her, just let your husband deal with his family. It is hurtful, no matter what anyone says.

I know it shouldn’t hurt and if people aren’t bothered about me and my kids I should turn the other cheek but I feel things deeply so it kind of does.

There is nothing to suggest that she isn't bothered about you and your family, though. She just sees FB differently to you. Just carry on as normal with birthday cards/occasional visits etc, or whatever you would normally do.

I would not think twice about Facebook. At least you send pictures of nephews/ nieces/ grandchildren this way or you use it as your main way of communication.... otherwise, if all family meetings do still happen as normal and all is cordial, it would not bother me at all. There is nothing for you to do. If both brothers still talk and they made up, then nothing to worry about. Just be calm and be yourself around her.

Thank you for some brilliant thoughtful advice @Tourmalines @CreationNat1on @HopingForTheBest25 @Disturbia81 @VintageDiamondGirl @pizzaHeart @EmeraldShamrock000 @Reallybadidea @thepariscrimefiles @ChocolateCroissantCafe I really appreciate all your words and perspectives. I will just let DH deal with that side of the family but thanks for understanding that it can and does hurt and that it’s real people involved who are family. ❤️

Whatever you thought was water under the bridge between the brothers was probably resolved by you being made the scapegoat. You 100% don’t have the full story about what went on between the brothers.

Far more importantly, though, stop wasting your time on social media like a teenaged sop and focus on real life. None of this would happen if you did.

Are you quite active on social media op? I know I unfriend anyone who I find irritating if they post too much or are negative in what they post? I realise now you can just mute but didn't know that initially? I don't see it as anything personal just me filtering what I see.

It sounds like you're attaching more to this than you need to if you generally get on well in person.

Her behaviour reflects what is going on in her mind. When I went through a very difficult time and the people I thought would support me didn't, I unfriended them. New people who cared about me replaced them. And, yes, they were family and friends of 40 years.

A quick update. I have reached out and just offered support just in case she’s having a hard time. I thought it only best if I did after her being in my life for 20 years & yes I do care about her. I don’t expect her to re-friend, I don’t expect anything really but I’ve reached out anyway. @Lavender14 not that active. I will post a family pic now and again. I never repost stuff I see on there or quotes, political crap or cryptic stuff etc. I probably post once a month if we went somewhere nice if that. She’s the same. It did hurt, but I hope she’s ok.

@Spindrifts that seems reasonable which is why I thought I would reach out to her & offer support because I guess you never know what someone might be going through. I wouldn’t want her to think I didn’t care, even if she made me feel like she didn’t.

But that's not what you asked - do I have a right to my feelings? Everyone has a right to their feelings, though not all feelings are helpful or useful.

You asked what can you do - and the answer is nothing.

I think if you aren’t that close, don’t get too bothered about. I’d understand if you were close friends or family members I’d understand it but that’s not the case. A Bit weird that you’re looking into who she hasn’t removed as friends. Get less invested!

I wonder if her dh is more upset than you think by the crossed words. And she is upset on his behalf. But when you asked her dh, he made up a lame excuse.

I’ve never understood why it is such a heinous crime to remove someone as a FB ‘friend’. It’s FB, not your nan’s Christmas dinner.

This ^^
Exactly this.
Surely you communicate by other means than faceache?!

Well I would just ask her myself. Mention you'd seen she had unfriended you and ask if you had done something to upset her. If she gives you the bs story I'd mention it was bs and leave it at that.

It seems she did it for obvious reasons: she either doesn't want to see what you are up to via social media anymore, or she doesn't want you (or anyone connected to you) to have any visibility of her life anymore.

Why not?

Perhaps you will know more than us.

Are your monthly updates insufferable?

Because of your relationship with one another - SILs, but both wives of two brothers - is there a lot of competition between you two (perhaps there is in her eyes anyway)?

Did the altercation between your husband and your BIL come about because of something you or your husband saw on your SILs social media?

Could something be going on in their lives soon that she/they will be posting about (like your FIL has gifted them a massive inheritance and they're buying a new mansion or going on some around the world trip) that she wants to keep away from you?

If not any of the crazy possibilities above what else is there?

Are you the type of person who barely posts or likes anyone's posts on social media BUT you're always scrolling your feed to see what others are up to, i.e. on it ALL THE TIME?

That is a bit of a pet hate of mine and I ended up unfriending some relatives for this reason: my parents would frequently mention how my aunts would talk about what I'd been up to because my cousin's were all over my social media updates BUT would never engage or Like anything. I could only infer from it that that specific cousin did not like me so I unfriended them.

It also irks me when you see people/'friends' who never post or engage with your or anyone's content and present themselves as people who 'dont "do" social media' view EVERY single one of your stories.

Anyway, thought I'd fling some suggestions your way.

Although I often like to say and think that social media - especially Facebook etc is a timesink, a waste of time etc - to be honest and realistic, I totally agree wit this post.

Agree you are putting too much importance on the social media connection. I'm not saying it's not weird, but you've tried asking and got a non-answer, so I would just carry on as normal and see what happens.

I think you were right to reach out OP. It’s strange behaviour on her part

She replied to my message with the same story so I just said here if you need me, take care and I’m going to leave it at that now. I can’t pretend to understand it and do think it’s a weird story but hey ho. I’m not going to invest anymore of my head space wondering why etc. Mum & my kids don’t care so now neither do I. She is entitled to have whoever she wants on her FB. I won’t be re friending if she suddenly decided her crisis with her brother is over and sends a request but I’m available through other means, like text if she wants me for anything. Thanks all.

Hey op glad you have decided to ignore it maybe she doesn’t want you knowing her business anymore this happens when people feel like there pages are being looked at but the person nosing is not posting much so looks like your having a nosy. I can’t be arsed with sm it’s full of shit people either showing off or causing drama. Once you get used to you will probably forget all about her. The story of her brother is just a big fat lie so if she can’t be honest with you why have her on your friends list. Let her go.

I hit the YABU button by mistake I think, as I don't think you are unreasonable, it doesn't matter whether SM is important ir not the fact is she's behaved strangely and I'd be wondering the same as you!

How often do you post and what do you post? I am unfriended my own mum because her posts are not to my political taste and I have unfriended people who are Facebook "huns" because I don't need that in my life. I am happy to deal with the same people in real life but don't need to scroll through their crap.