Is this a targeted unfriending? What would you do next?

[MindfulM]

My SIL has unfriended me, my kids (her nieces and nephews) and my mum on social media all of a sudden. She’s kept all other extended family as friends. When asked about it the story we are getting is she fallen out with her brother and as a result has deleted all of her “closest”(we are not that close!) friends and family but here’s the catch.

1. We don’t know her brother and he’s not in our friends lists.
2. My mum isn’t remotely close to her, they have met probably twice!
3. We don’t live in the same town, we live hundreds of miles away.
4. Shes kept close friends on her FB who live in the same town and actually have her brother as a FB friend themselves!!!
5. Her FB friends are public so if she’s worried about her brother making contact with people, why have it public?
6. She did it and never even messaged to say “I’m having issues and need to delete people etc” I would have understood and backed her wholeheartedly if this were the truth. I suspect it isn’t.

Theres not one chance that her brother could get to her through us. Not in any way. But he could get information about her from the friends she’s kept who actually know him, have him as a FB friend and live in the same town!!!!

So my question is AIBU to think she’s got another beef with me (never had a crossed word) and her story is nonsensical crap? It feels like a targeted unfriending of anyone close to ME.

UABU-It’s totally normal to unfriend people unconnected to the brother who live far away & hurt your extended family in the process.

UANBU- It’s totally nonsensical and she must have a beef with me that I don’t know about. It’s a targeted unfriending .

So as not to drip feed. There had been crossed words between my husband and her husband (brothers) recently, but they more or less instantly made up and it’s water under the bridge. Nothing to do with me or her.

Also what would you do going forward? Cut them off? Try and get to the bottom of it? Message or ignore? I know it shouldn’t hurt and if people aren’t bothered about me and my kids I should turn the other cheek but I feel things deeply so it kind of does. I would never do this to her or my nieces and nephews (her kids) because I wouldn’t want to hurt them or have them wondering etc.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

How did the world turn before we had social media? how did we manage to have lives, families, jobs and friendships in the pre-Facebool/InstagramTikTok/Twitter.X era?

This. Who cares.

Yabu to be on Facebook in 2025

I don't have time for social media drama but these aren't internet randoms, it's a family member cutting contact with you so I understand why it's a worry.

Have things been made up between your DH and BIL on the surface but she's still annoyed about it? My DH and his friend had a minor disagreement and patched things up almost immediately. I wasn't remotely involved in the flash-in-the-pan disagreement, but the friend's wife unfriended me on social media as a way of making a point. So this could be what's going on with your SIL, as silly as it seems.

This horseshit? This is why I deleted all my social media except Mumsnet and the Instagram I use to follow cute dogs and cats. It's absolutely not worth the ridiculous drama over completely inconsequential things. I have enough to stress and overthink about without imaginary beef with extended family members.

A relative of mine fell out with her sister and brother and defriended them. She then defriended all other relatives (me included) who have a lot of contact with her sister and brother because she said we took her sister and brother's side over her. I certainly didn't. I didn't even know they'd had a falling out until I noticed I and other relatives had been defriended and contacted her sister to ask what was going on.

It's childish and I'd do what I did, not give it another moment's thought.

Oh grow up !!!!

Someone you're not particularly close friends with in real life 'unfriended' you on a social media platform.

I'd say that's pretty much the non-event of the year. Just literally forget about it.

I don't think I know anyone who's used Facebook for a decade plus. Not that I'd care if they friended or unfriended me or anyone else.

Loads of people on here will say it doesn't matter, but it kind of does. Okay, it's not a thing which will have an impact on your everyday life, but it is a message about where you fit in the list of people and relationships that she values. And it's rude to behave like this towards in-laws without a solid reason.

None of us choose our in-laws but manners and social niceties oil the wheels of these relationships - she's definitely sending a message for whatever reason and it's not unnatural to be a bit hurt and offended by it!

Lying/offering bs 'explanations' adds insult to injury imo.

What can you do? Learn from it - she's told you that you aren't important so keep your distance. Let your Dh manage his relationship with his brother and stay out of it.

If you feel this is about you, OP, then I think it probably is (none of her reasons for deleting you and your family make any sense).

People are right, it's 'only' social media but it can hurt nonetheless, you are human.

I would message her to say that you have noticed she has done this and you are hurt. Ask her why and take it from there.

When I joined Facebook - right back in the beginning - I had one rule: NO FAMILY.

Reading stupid posts like this makes me really glad I've stuck to it. Years ago I added a mutual friend of myself and my mother, deleted her the minute I found out she'd been reporting back to my mother what I was posting.

Mind your own fucking business OP. She doesn't HAVE to have you on her social media, maybe she does hate your guts, whatever. That's her business. As the old saying goes, what other people think about us is none of our business.

Also wondering if there is trouble in their marriage?

I know a couple of friends who deleted in-laws just before they split up.

Yes maybe you would wonder for a moment .... but to forensically run through her friends list and work out who she had unfriended etc (eg your DM hasnt noticed) - then get your DH to enquire - and thats not acceptable to you that you have to look for more on MN - what would saltisfy you "Yes shes a XXXX, how dare she cut you and your DCs out and some random not even IL"?

Seems you are very self absorbed to have such time for negative thinking.

Leave SM alone - its clearly getting under your skin, amking you irrational/unsettled enough to do silly things. Immerse yourself IRL relationships / activities more where there are many more dimensions for reciprocity, understanding and fulfillment.

Well, there's nothing you can actually do. You can accept it with equanimity or accept it and be upset and possibly embarrass yourself, but that's about it really.

I get you OP and it DOES mean something to be unfriended. Especially family… and especially your kids too. It does hurt when you’ve done nothing wrong. Yes it’s social media but it’s not a totally fake world, it’s real people.
But as I get older I have chilled out about a lot of things. Because the truth is sometimes people are strange, sometimes they feel the need for privacy, sometimes have a moment where they’ve got the wrong idea and think people are against them etc. I can’t be arsed trying to fathom people out now. Because I’m sure many have tried to work me out. All we can worry about is our own reaction to it

I’ve known this too, gradually untangling from their lives

People on MN like to pretend they are above all this and would never concern themselves with how other people think about them!

Personally I think there's a difference between someone you barely know, having a clean up on SM and an in-law making an active decision to remove you - it's the modern day equivalent of having someone you've known for years just stop speaking to you and getting no explanation as to why. It's both hurtful and infuriating. These aren't randoms, this involves nephews/nieces - they are family. It's an odd thing for her to do and of course it will have real life consequences on relationships.

I wonder if she's still cross with your DH, even though he and his brother have made up? Or she uses Facebook to keep in touch with local friends rather than you, hundreds of miles away? Or she doesn't like some of the stuff you/your DM/your DC post - I have deleted some people I am closely related to because of this although I see them and speak to them regularly.

You can ask her directly or forget about it. You still have ways to get in touch.

Oops cut off too soon
All we can do is change how we react to things

Agreed.. I do think a lot of those posters would be bothered about it too, they just like to act superior on threads.

I would "let them",

Let the drama llama s dispose of the connection, their choice, you are gaining peace.

sounds like you guys bore her, and she wanted to remove the boring posts from her thread? I wouldn’t think any more of it in fact I don’t even know how you noticed unless you were going on an actively looking for her Like a stalker? Lol

That big long list 1 - 6 is unhinged.

"Also what would you do going forward? Cut them off?" - Is that your first thought?

"I know it shouldnt hurt....but I feel things deeply so it kind of does."
You have answered your own Q here - no it shouldnt hurt - and if you feel things deeply - that's on you to address you emotional resiliance. Get some professional help around your sensitivities and your emotional health and life going forward will be calm, peaceful, less anxious/negtaive and more joyous.

It doesn’t really matter, it’s just a social media platform!