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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he could’ve popped in for a bit

81 replies

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:05

NC for this. I have a hobby that DH is not interested in. That’s fine. Every now and then there’s a hobby related get together. There are no prizes but there’s an awareness of who’s done a good job.

There was one of these get togethers this weekend. It was a ten minute walk from our house. I’ve been working hard on it and I knew it was going to be a good one for me. I mentioned that since it was so near he was welcome to pop over at some point - no need to stay for ages. He’s never been before.

When I got there I realised he might not actually hate it (plus there was free food and drink and who doesn’t love that) so texted to say so and that I would love him to come. He didn’t reply and I got back late and left early the next morning. Midway through day two I realised he wasn’t coming. It was an even better day for me than I thought it would be and I was really happy with it.

I realised then that I was quite sad he hadn’t come and sent him a text saying so and that it does mean something to me even though it’s silly, and it would’ve made me feel good having him see it.

He didn’t reply. When I got home he didn’t say anything so I went straight to bed. Today I mentioned it and he said he was ‘busy’. No further comment.

Its partly that he didn’t show up, though I didn’t realise I minded about that as much as it turns out I did, but its that he didn’t even respond when I said I was sad about it.

It’s not a world ender I know, but I can’t quite decide if I’m being precious. I know he’s not remotely interested - but I didn’t expect him for long, maybe an hour for a sort of ‘oh good on you’ thing. And when I said it bothered me a sorry would’ve been nice!

OP posts:
Howtotrainarabbit · 20/07/2025 21:09

That doesn't sound unreasonable of you.

What is he usually like? Is he supportive? Does he communicate with you well?

JustAnInchident · 20/07/2025 21:14

I’d be quite hurt by that op, I don’t blame you for feeling sad. The fact he didn’t bother is one thing but disregarding you telling him how it made you feel is horrible. I’m sorry.

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:18

Howtotrainarabbit · 20/07/2025 21:09

That doesn't sound unreasonable of you.

What is he usually like? Is he supportive? Does he communicate with you well?

Communication is not great to be fair - it was not surprising to get no reply to saying he’d upset me, he really struggles with what to do with that.

Practically yes, he’s good and we get along… I think because it’s very rare that I directly ask him for anything in the way of ‘support’ having it not be there felt crap.

OP posts:
everythingsnotmadeofgold · 20/07/2025 21:18

I would be quite hurt too OP. He should have shown up for you whether or not he has an interest in it. It means a lot to you and that should be enough.

FuckYouLeslie · 20/07/2025 21:21

Well done on your achievement OP x

244milesnorth · 20/07/2025 21:28

I would very hurt too OP. Not just because he didn’t come when you expressly said it meant something to you but because it’s never entered his brain before to take an interest in something you care about and then when prompted he still ignored it and then ignored your feelings about it

Lmnop22 · 20/07/2025 21:36

It’s totally shit not to reply to you at all for like a whole day at first when you invited him and then for half a day after you said you were upset!

I would go and watch my partner sit in a paddling pool full of cold custard if he enjoyed it and it meant a lot to him for me to be there!

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

Lmnop22 · 20/07/2025 21:36

It’s totally shit not to reply to you at all for like a whole day at first when you invited him and then for half a day after you said you were upset!

I would go and watch my partner sit in a paddling pool full of cold custard if he enjoyed it and it meant a lot to him for me to be there!

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/07/2025 21:55

If I text my dp I was upset about something, I'd be very upset to get no reply.

For the event, it doesn't sound great, but it depends a little what it is. Does he have an ethical objection? There are a couple of things I wouldn't go to for my dp - religious ceremonies, anything like hunting or fishing. But if it's just something he's a bit bored by, it's a really poor show.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 20/07/2025 21:55

He could've spared a half hour/hour
It's not much to ask.
Well done on your achievements 👍😁

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 22:02

Sorry have to ask.. what's the hobby?? 😆 but yes, his behaviour is shitty.

Hillrunning · 20/07/2025 22:12

It sounds like you ask very little of him, so to have him not even communicate that he didn't intend to come is really very poor. What was he so busy with? Most parters would come to something where you might get a bit of kudos or a shout out so long as it wasn't a regular thing.

Not responding, or bring it up at a later point, when you said you were sad is low. I fully understand why you'd be upset.

By chance, I did unexpectedly well at my hobby this morning, DH has said well done or brought it up in some way 5 times since. And this achievement was, in the grand scheme of things, not impressive.

Massive well done to you! Im proud of ya!

nomas · 20/07/2025 22:14

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

Show quote history

Your ask was not unreasonable at all, OP.

Does he show any consideration and care for you?

Does he expect you to take an interest in his interests?

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:14

Stompythedinosaur · 20/07/2025 21:55

If I text my dp I was upset about something, I'd be very upset to get no reply.

For the event, it doesn't sound great, but it depends a little what it is. Does he have an ethical objection? There are a couple of things I wouldn't go to for my dp - religious ceremonies, anything like hunting or fishing. But if it's just something he's a bit bored by, it's a really poor show.

No no, there’s nothing anyone could be upset by. I’d totally understand that, if I was constantly nagging him to come watch me shoot deer. Purely just not his bag. It’s not, but think sewing elaborate medieval costumes, then everyone gets together and exhibits them - it’s got some value as something to look at for an outsider but if you’re not interested you’re not going to want to spend a lot of time.

OP posts:
nomas · 20/07/2025 22:15

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:14

No no, there’s nothing anyone could be upset by. I’d totally understand that, if I was constantly nagging him to come watch me shoot deer. Purely just not his bag. It’s not, but think sewing elaborate medieval costumes, then everyone gets together and exhibits them - it’s got some value as something to look at for an outsider but if you’re not interested you’re not going to want to spend a lot of time.

Show quote history

I’d go along to support a friend, colleague, relative. As a husband, he should have wanted to be there, even briefly.

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:16

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 22:02

Sorry have to ask.. what's the hobby?? 😆 but yes, his behaviour is shitty.

Shameful to be one of those posters with an ‘outing’ hobby!

I swear on my life it’s not cycling

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:18

Hillrunning · 20/07/2025 22:12

It sounds like you ask very little of him, so to have him not even communicate that he didn't intend to come is really very poor. What was he so busy with? Most parters would come to something where you might get a bit of kudos or a shout out so long as it wasn't a regular thing.

Not responding, or bring it up at a later point, when you said you were sad is low. I fully understand why you'd be upset.

By chance, I did unexpectedly well at my hobby this morning, DH has said well done or brought it up in some way 5 times since. And this achievement was, in the grand scheme of things, not impressive.

Massive well done to you! Im proud of ya!

And well done to you too!!

As far as I can tell he can only have been catching up with some work as the laundry basket is still full, but he isn’t a brain surgeon or anything, I suspect it was more ‘didn’t want to’

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:39

nomas · 20/07/2025 22:14

Your ask was not unreasonable at all, OP.

Does he show any consideration and care for you?

Does he expect you to take an interest in his interests?

Show quote history

He does do stuff for me, he’s not a total arse and I know he does care… but he will do things on his terms, asking for help is dicey.

I don’t know if he expects me to be interested in his stuff, he’d probably say he doesn’t - but obviously I do, that’s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.

OP posts:
nomas · 20/07/2025 22:52

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:39

He does do stuff for me, he’s not a total arse and I know he does care… but he will do things on his terms, asking for help is dicey.

I don’t know if he expects me to be interested in his stuff, he’d probably say he doesn’t - but obviously I do, that’s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.

Show quote history

Why don’t you try stepping back from taking an interest? So he can see how it feels?

YNott · 20/07/2025 22:53

that”s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.
Not for him. Sadly. What a selfish inconsiderate person he is.

Hedgedone · 20/07/2025 22:59

Yanbu and that is not a relationship that I would want to spend my life investing in.

He sounds extremely selfish.
He has you trained very well to not ask, and when you do, to expect nothing, not evdn the basic courtesy of a response.

Original poster
stupidboats · 21/07/2025 06:51

edited ugh lost the quote - @nomas if I don’t take an interest he’ll just pretend not to care (or actually not care, I guess).

thanks to everyone who said it’s OK to be pissed off and sad about it though, and who listened to me rant, it’s been very helpful.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 21/07/2025 07:00

So as well as ignoring your texts, he didn’t even ask about it. I’d be hurt.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 07:06

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

Show quote history

This entirely changes what I was originally going to say. He asked how it was going. So frankly I can't see what the problem is. You don't need to live in each other's pockets and he doesn't need to be involved in every aspect of your life.

There wasn't complete radio silence and he did ask after you.

YNott · 21/07/2025 07:06

@Hedgedone at 22.59 👏.
Is this diminishing you to big himself up/ he’s jealous of your achievements?