To think he could’ve popped in for a bit

[stupidboats]

NC for this. I have a hobby that DH is not interested in. That’s fine. Every now and then there’s a hobby related get together. There are no prizes but there’s an awareness of who’s done a good job.

There was one of these get togethers this weekend. It was a ten minute walk from our house. I’ve been working hard on it and I knew it was going to be a good one for me. I mentioned that since it was so near he was welcome to pop over at some point - no need to stay for ages. He’s never been before.

When I got there I realised he might not actually hate it (plus there was free food and drink and who doesn’t love that) so texted to say so and that I would love him to come. He didn’t reply and I got back late and left early the next morning. Midway through day two I realised he wasn’t coming. It was an even better day for me than I thought it would be and I was really happy with it.

I realised then that I was quite sad he hadn’t come and sent him a text saying so and that it does mean something to me even though it’s silly, and it would’ve made me feel good having him see it.

He didn’t reply. When I got home he didn’t say anything so I went straight to bed. Today I mentioned it and he said he was ‘busy’. No further comment.

Its partly that he didn’t show up, though I didn’t realise I minded about that as much as it turns out I did, but its that he didn’t even respond when I said I was sad about it.

It’s not a world ender I know, but I can’t quite decide if I’m being precious. I know he’s not remotely interested - but I didn’t expect him for long, maybe an hour for a sort of ‘oh good on you’ thing. And when I said it bothered me a sorry would’ve been nice!

He did apologise on Sunday, said he was working. I said that’s ok but if you don’t have time to reply to a text we should talk about it as that’s not great and we should find a solution. He said nothing, we haven’t spoken since.

Dh is a runner. I have less than no interest but give him the space to run 5 days a week and when dd was younger restricted my life to enable him. I'd be super pissed off if he expected me to go along and watch him and guilt me if I didn't. It has a huge impact on our time already and honestly I'm fed up of pretty much every day having a chunk of time dedicated to it.

oh god no. Five days a week? With a kid? That’s mad. I’m sorry - I know I’m here with my own problems but put your foot down!

Unbelievable that you would tolerate that.
You have a selfish husband problem.

Don't worry. The kid is a teen now so I'm not as restricted as I was. I'm just saying that I think facilitating it is enough. Expecting me to be interested on top of enabling him to do his hobby would end me.

I've negotiated terms that are very favourable but giving a shit about split times and finishing positions is definitely not on the list. I never watch him run unless it's a location I really fancy. We're coming up to our silver wedding anniversary and really happy as long as he doesn't expect me to be interested!

So i dont think how you felt or what you said was U.

However, hes never come before, he probably didnt think it was a big deal until too late he got a text saying he had upset you. From his perspective hes upset you becuase he wasnt a mind reader.

I think youd get further if you say to him, its not a dig. You hadnt realised how much youd like to show him one of the events when you've done well and maybe next suitable one he could find some time to join you.

Make it clear its not somethkng he didnt do but something you realise would make you feel really happy

I just wonder if he didn’t see the importance because he’s never attended before - so in his mind, it wasn’t a big deal that he didn’t attend this time either.

Honestly to me, it all sounds like a big drama over not very much at all, but there are clearly underlying issues in the relationship that need to be resolved.

That's not similar to the ops situation.

Tbh I have a hobby that my partner does not come along to. It’s something involving public performance so they could, but they don’t want to and I rarely ask. I know it’s not great to stand around on your own while your partner is busy.

occasionally there’s a “bigger” event and I sometimes specifically ask them to come to those. It’s nice to be supported but I totally get it’s my thing not theirs.

The issue is not replying to
Your messages that's really rude and unloving

I think it’s more of an issue that OP says so much of their communication happens via text. That doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

He did reply, he was chatting and asked how it went

I’m interested in how other people do it if not texts! I’m out of the house 8am-7pm four days a week. Busy season, a couple of days a week will be 8am-11pm and I might only be home one day a week. On top of that, I travel. On top of THAT is DH’s job which has more travel, though he is home more than me when not travelling.

It’s not practical for us to be calling eachother through the day and if we didn’t text we might not see eachother to speak for days at a time. Are other people doing things differently?

DH and I see each other and spend time together every single day - for at least an hour before we go to work and then in the evenings too. We only text if there’s something we need to tell the other during the working day.

Are you really content to be married to someone you don’t see for days at a time, who you only really communicate with by text and who, by the sounds of things, isn’t that supportive of you in general?

It sounds a bit miserable to me - apologies if I’ve got it totally wrong!

Other issues aside, the not seeing eachother thing is probably 70% because of me, so unless I was with someone who didn’t work and revolved their schedule around mine (which sounds like a grim life for anyone!), this is how it is. It’s not forever, and we both like our jobs.

Yes it he avoided what was most important to you. So that is communication but not good communication.

Do you think you're maybe so used to not seeing each other for days at a time, that he genuinely doesn't see the issue with him not coming along to this?

If you generally lead fairly separate lives and only really communicate by text most of the time, it sounds like you're probably fairly independent of each other.

This is definitely it on not showing up to the thing. He would’ve had no idea I cared. I had no idea I cared!

So in hindsight I shouldn’t really have been sad about it - though I still think he could’ve replied to the text, but in the grand scheme of things, he didn’t, it’s not the apocalypse.

it was not surprising to get no reply to saying he’d upset me

This isn't great OP. You say that asking for help is 'dicey" and it sounds to me as if you keep your head down, and don't ask for much as it's not worth it.

What do you think is "coming out" around your career/pay? I didn't quite understand that but it sounds an interesting take.

PS texting fine, I hardly every call anyone but have lots of close relationships including DP that run fine on messages. Communication is communication, if it works that's fine.

I think as with a lot of upset, it's not the "thing" you're up set about, it's something wider behind the thing.

I think it's absolutely okay to be sad - it's a normal reaction to feeling let down, no matter how illogical it might be.

Maybe use this as a way to make some changes - communicating by text all the time clearly isn't working that well, maybe try and set aside a time to chat on the phone or via video chat everyday - even if it's only five minutes.

Very very true

Honestly? I wouldn’t “pop in” to a room full of strangers who all know each other, busy with their hobbies, knowing dh was likely chatting/taking part. Chances are I’d be wandering around like an idiot on my own with nothing to say to anyone.

if it were something I was interested in- medieval costumes sounds cool- yes I’d pop by to look at them.

if it were a social evening, where partners were invited for the full event, I’d arrive and leave with dh, and it’s not hobby focussed, then yes I’d go.

I’m sorry, but it sounds like quite a niche hobby with a high likelihood to be boring/ of no interest to many, perhaps including your husband.

I personally wouldn’t have gone if I were him, but I would have texted to say I didn’t fancy it.

If it matters so much to you, I agree with PPs that you need to spell it out for him, and ask him to attend. I still think he’d be within his rights to say no, he really doesn’t want to.

I’d have been pissed off if I were him receiving a text to say I’d upset someone because they had loosely suggested doing something that I didn’t want to do. So not sure I’d have said anything either.

You could equally be upset if he left after 10 mins, and you didn’t feel he had experienced/supported fully, and was just making an appearance for the sake of it, to keep you off his back.

I think it’s much healthier to enjoy your own hobbies and not need the validation from someone who doesn’t share your interests. He asked you how it was going. I think that’s enough to be honest.