To think he could’ve popped in for a bit

[stupidboats]

NC for this. I have a hobby that DH is not interested in. That’s fine. Every now and then there’s a hobby related get together. There are no prizes but there’s an awareness of who’s done a good job.

There was one of these get togethers this weekend. It was a ten minute walk from our house. I’ve been working hard on it and I knew it was going to be a good one for me. I mentioned that since it was so near he was welcome to pop over at some point - no need to stay for ages. He’s never been before.

When I got there I realised he might not actually hate it (plus there was free food and drink and who doesn’t love that) so texted to say so and that I would love him to come. He didn’t reply and I got back late and left early the next morning. Midway through day two I realised he wasn’t coming. It was an even better day for me than I thought it would be and I was really happy with it.

I realised then that I was quite sad he hadn’t come and sent him a text saying so and that it does mean something to me even though it’s silly, and it would’ve made me feel good having him see it.

He didn’t reply. When I got home he didn’t say anything so I went straight to bed. Today I mentioned it and he said he was ‘busy’. No further comment.

Its partly that he didn’t show up, though I didn’t realise I minded about that as much as it turns out I did, but its that he didn’t even respond when I said I was sad about it.

It’s not a world ender I know, but I can’t quite decide if I’m being precious. I know he’s not remotely interested - but I didn’t expect him for long, maybe an hour for a sort of ‘oh good on you’ thing. And when I said it bothered me a sorry would’ve been nice!

So he has the communication skills of a rock. That’s not something I’d live with.

I mean, I don’t want to get tooo therapy about it but I think it’s a bit tricky when one partners career is the ‘main’ one in terms of money and time involved. Scheduling often has to revolve around me a bit and I can be quite distracted with it, it’s not a 9-5 job and intrudes on home a lot.

Finances wise we have a good arrangement I think, it’s more about time/practicalities and how much it’s fair to expect from him in terms of allowances made for the good of my career. I think sometimes he feels that balance is off, and I can imagine maybe not engaging with another ‘me’ thing might be part of that.

I like my job but I don’t love how much of my life it takes up. I often think I’d like to do something less intense but if I keep at it for a while longer we’ll be in a position to work much less and have a nice time. Neither of us come from money and it seems worth the sacrifice for now, maybe.

I mean, I don’t want to get tooo therapy about it but I think it’s a bit tricky when one partners career is the ‘main’ one in terms of money and time involved. Scheduling often has to revolve around me a bit and I can be quite distracted with it, it’s not a 9-5 job and intrudes on home a lot.

I wonder if this is an issue. You already have a job that intrudes on home and now your hobby is taking up a lot of time as well. Does he resent that, maybe?

Yeah possibly. I don’t really want to give it up but maybe somethings got to give.

We’re talking 2/3 hours a week at home hobby time (sometimes more if DH is away) then a two day stretch once or twice a year so it is time but it’s not like the marathon dude mentioned up thread.

Hmm, that really doesn't sound like it should cause an issue.

It reads a bit to me like neither of you are all that happy with your current set-up. You talk about how you think it'll be "worth it" long-term but you have to be happy now as well, otherwise what's the point?

Yeah not sure actually!

I don’t think we really are - but it’s a bit of a ‘diamond shoes too tight’ problem. I don’t know how other people (especially with kids! Jesus!) manage it.