To think he could’ve popped in for a bit

[stupidboats]

NC for this. I have a hobby that DH is not interested in. That’s fine. Every now and then there’s a hobby related get together. There are no prizes but there’s an awareness of who’s done a good job.

There was one of these get togethers this weekend. It was a ten minute walk from our house. I’ve been working hard on it and I knew it was going to be a good one for me. I mentioned that since it was so near he was welcome to pop over at some point - no need to stay for ages. He’s never been before.

When I got there I realised he might not actually hate it (plus there was free food and drink and who doesn’t love that) so texted to say so and that I would love him to come. He didn’t reply and I got back late and left early the next morning. Midway through day two I realised he wasn’t coming. It was an even better day for me than I thought it would be and I was really happy with it.

I realised then that I was quite sad he hadn’t come and sent him a text saying so and that it does mean something to me even though it’s silly, and it would’ve made me feel good having him see it.

He didn’t reply. When I got home he didn’t say anything so I went straight to bed. Today I mentioned it and he said he was ‘busy’. No further comment.

Its partly that he didn’t show up, though I didn’t realise I minded about that as much as it turns out I did, but its that he didn’t even respond when I said I was sad about it.

It’s not a world ender I know, but I can’t quite decide if I’m being precious. I know he’s not remotely interested - but I didn’t expect him for long, maybe an hour for a sort of ‘oh good on you’ thing. And when I said it bothered me a sorry would’ve been nice!

She literally says they were in touch and he did ask how it was going!

Not jealous god no, but there is something to that maybe. We’re in the same field of work and his job is very well respected and pays fine, mine is not, but is funding our life pretty much. I think he’s a bit uneasy about that and maybe it comes out in other ways.

Then I would stop taking an interest. He isn’t going to change.

What makes you think your job isn’t respected?

Does he make you feel like that?

Do you have kids with him? I’m starting to think you should leave him before you have kids.

OP, sorry to say he doesn't sound like a very nice person. He sounds very self centred. And you don't sound like you kick off nearly enough, if ever. You're too nice.

Some people won't be changed by others netting kind to them. You need to fight back a bit, OP, otherwise this behaviour will end up getting to you until you don't know what to do with all that resentment.

Tell him his behaviour was not OK. Tell him you want more emotional connection than you're getting currently. Insist on some counselling. If he doesn't want to improve things, for your sake, then you know where you stand. This is no way to have a relationship. "Getting on fine" is for your house mate, not even siblings, let alone partners. I think you have denied yourself and your needs for a long timey. You need to take a long hard look at this relationship.

It looks like I’m the odd one out here, but I really wouldn’t expect DH to show any interest in my hobbies - just as I have absolutely no interest in his.

However from your replies there are clearly other issues in your marriage that need to be tackled.

No kids, none coming - we’re not young.

job, think human rights lawyer vs bigtime corporate one type thing. I’m respected (including by him) for my work/success but nobody’s ever going to think it’s ‘cool’!

Yeah I think I’d be disappointed and a bit sad at his lack of interest @stupidboats I always ask how my husband’s hobby is going and he about mine, even though neither would want to do the other one’s hobbies. It’s just kind to feign a bit of interest.

Up to you if you want to be funding such a selfish person going forward.

There is a reason that women who live alone are so content.

But it was 10 minutes away from home. Really no skin off his nose to drop by.

Maybe he doesn't like when the attention is more on OP and he's just there to accompany her? Maybe he's jealous?

Maybe he has no interest in her boring hobby (as she says think sewing!) and attention seeking ways. We don't know do we because we don't know the reality of the situation just the OP's version of events. 🤔🤣 They live together they don't need to be joined at the hip for every aspect of their lives

I don't think the point is showing an interest in each other's hobbies. That's not for you, fine, but it's something she asked him to do and he couldn't be bothered. And then not responding to say sorry when she said she was sad about it. I wouldn't treat my friend like that, let alone my partner that I'm supposed to love. I wonder what he thinks love is: doing what he wants when he wants, and OP never having any issue with any of his behaviour.

It's shit he couldn't be bothered but l would park it up for next time he wanted me to do something l really didn't fancy.

If that's how he wants to be ...

Ok, then I definitely think he's being a bit of a dick! He should have come!

I can imagine a woman posting that her husband has a hobby and was annoyed at her for not going to watch him do it. Pretty sure she’d be totally supported but somehow this husband is being horrible…

It isn’t just his communication that isn’t great. To do all this over text was ridiculous. If you wanted him there, you should have asked him directly, before the event. If I think I have an empty weekend and I’ve planned out what I’m doing, having someone drop something in that changes my plan (even if the plan doesn’t seem very much) that pisses me off.

Well, he doesn't need to attend OP's hobby just because he's been asked. If this was a bloke asking his wife to go and watch something she had no interest in, everyone would be saying it was fine to stay home.

I also don't really blame him for not responding - I wouldn't want to have a conversation like that over text either.

Yeah that’s fair. It was discussed - we had a friend around a few nights prior and I said to both of them come and have a drink and a look if you like. The friend was keen and texted the day after asking which day, I said check with DH. That said I def wasn’t pushing it so yeah - the sadness that he didn’t come wasn’t something he could’ve expected and it was more the response to the sadness that bothered me. You’re not wrong though, sometimes you just don’t want do anything on a weekend!

We are text people, both work a lot and at odd hours so it’s very normal for us to just text.

I don’t think it would have been unreasonable for him to show a bit of interest, but I don’t think you communicated your needs well at all.

Maybe you haven’t been to many of these days before, but it sounds like you didn’t know what to expect with the food and drink yourself until you got there.

I know you eventually got as far as saying you wanted him to come, but it doesn’t sound like you were clear.

Next time, make a clear plan in advance. Tell him you’ll meet him for lunch and you can both spend an hour or so looking around together. Tell him that you know you weren’t clear last time, but it really would mean a lot to you to see hike there. Pick an actual day and time. Or have him come later in the afternoon of the first day. Have a look around together and then have dinner together on the way home. Make a proper outing out of it for both of you.

I do take your point but I’ve been doing this for a decade and it’s not really like that.

Hed be a spectator and I’d be doing stuff. There are other spectators, hence the free food and drink, but they’ll need to amuse themselves, I might stop by for a minute but depends on timing.

you’re absolutely right that I didn’t issue a clear ‘you must please come’ though - I surprised myself with minding about that, guess I learned something!

This.

Sounds more like the end of term party of the football team rather than just going to watch football (or whatever hobby).

It was a one off, special recognition of OP.
No need for the false equivalence.

It doesn't sound like she asks for much, to be honest. If my DH asked me to attend the cup final of the team he coached or played for, or even an important match, I would be there. If he ran the marathon, I would be there, even if I never watched him train nor had any interest in running. She never asked it before but this time was special.

The sorry didn't need to happen over text. He never said sorry or even acknowledged not going when he saw her in person. That smacks of emotional manipulation ("If you ever bring up anything I've done wrong or feelings of being hurt, I refuse to acknowledge it.") No wonder OP has been trained not to excited her desires or needs.

Maybe he has no interest in her boring hobby and attention seeking ways

WTF?? You don't need to be cunty about it 🙄