Or was partner cruel and out of order?

[ConflictedBeagle]

Watching the boxing tonight with my partner, he had set up projector and we were both having a great night watching the fights leading up to the main event.

Main event comes and unfortunately I went to unplug my phone charger and accidentally switched off the projector he was using to put the boxing on a big screen.

I was mortified and felt like an absolute clown, apologized profusely. He went on about how long it would take to sort it all back out. I kept apologising, to which he was silent. I said to him that he could at least tell me it would be ok, accidents happen etc. to which his reply was "say nothing".

I just felt so awful about my stupidity and also angry at his response that I will admit I swore at him and stormed out to sit outside. He came to find me a couple of minutes later, boxing back on and asked me to come back in but I was really upset by this point so sat outside until after the boxing finished and only came in once he had gone to bed.

I feel so confused and would be so grateful for anyone's comments on the situation.
Amu thanks!

OP - it might be worth examining why you instantly went into the grovelling mode over something that should have been 'haha Omfg quick quick how do I fix it?' type thing.

He might have been being awful but it's hard to tell because you say he's otherwise lovely etc. If you've a habit of excessively apologising for really unimportant mistakes then your view might a skewed a bit.

This is said with kindness, fwiw, nothing else. I feel sad at the idea of someone falling over themselves to appease someone over something so small, iyswim.

I think this is the root of the problem, I priorotise kindness and consideration of the feelings of others above most anything else and expected the same. This may be something I need to get used to though, especially as the vast majority of comments have been against me which I absolutely accept.

I can see that now, thank you.

I think it's not bad enough to bother bringing up again or worrying about but I also think you were entitled to be a bit shocked and put out.

It's nice that's he's usually a good man but that is probably also why you were so shocked at the grumpiness over an innocent mistake. I'm slightly surprised at the amount of responses which suggest you should put up with being told off (effectively) for a mistake. I think if my DP unplugged the TV during a match I wanted to watch, or whatever the equivalent for him, I would probably immediately react grumpily like "oh for fuck's sake" but after two seconds when I thought about it I would (probably still in a grumpy voice and maybe rolling my eyes) say "don't worry" and then fix it.

In fact I just remembered he sat on the remote during a penalty shoot out once and changed the channel and I screamed (but then immediately laughed at the insanely bad timing with which he decided to take an interest, and fixed it)

Yip that was my thought too

therapy for you would be a good idea. Unpick your extreme reactions and volatility and give you some skills and resilience.

Oh calm down.

Maybe therapy for you for overreacting to a mumsnet post?

And therapy for me for being so annoyed i had to reply

And therapy for anyone reading this for however they feel about it

It sounds like the set up was stressful and his bucket was already pretty full when you unplugged the screen he was worried that it would be a nightmare to set up again. He wasn't just reacting to what you did but the sum of the lead up to and I can imagine watching a fight is pretty adrenaline filled. Basically I think his reaction was a result of the background and feeling upset and stressed at the thought of having to set up the tech again. Instead of letting him be cross for a moment and sort it out quietly you prioritised having your feelings soothed and he just didn't have the ability to do that in that moment. Next time just let him take a little time to feel back in control and then address it when you're both ok. Sometimes people get cross when they're stressed and you need to give him some grace to do that. I bet he'd have apologised for getting cross once the boxing was back on. He just needed a minute

I feel like he has behaved immaturely tonight

Says she who swore, sat sulking outside and ignored the olive branch offered 🙄

This story is so weird. I don’t really understand how you managed to ‘accidentally’ switch off a projectile by simply taking your phone off charge to reply to a text but your story is keeps changing so I’m not surprised I don’t really get it.

First he is annoyed/having a go then silent while you apologise repeatedly, then you’re shouting swearing and storming outside but also upstairs with your daughter because she was upset (despite not being mentioned to start with and now what you’re most upset about!) but then outside again because that’s where he found you/where you stayed all evening, you’re the one shouting and swearing but it’s him who wakes your daughter despite apparently being silent but you have no idea what actually happened with her anyway and he may or may not have shouted at her or to her from another room…

Honestly it sounds like you were (both?) pissed and acting ridiculous. Chalk it up to a bad job and move on. You were the silly immature one here.

@DarkForces I don't know about that, "his bucket was pretty full" and it was a high stress atmosphere? They were watching sport together for fun not preparing to perform a coronary bypass.
I also don't believe that I should "let someone be cross" at me, even for a few minutes, when I did something clearly by accident. I don't think that's how adult relationships should work.

I do agree however that high adrenaline boxing probably didn't help!

I was mortified and felt like an absolute clown, apologized profusely.
Also
I feel like he has behaved immaturely tonight making me feel so small and stupid over a trivial matter, @ConflictedBeagle

Sometimes we can project (no pun intended) how we feel onto.the other person, thinking it's them that feels that way.

So is it possible because you felt "mortified" that you used the apology to get him to make you feel better?

And then when he didn't make you feel better you felt like he's been unloving.

In that moment he couldn't make you feel better because he was also just reacting, disappointed initially at missing some of the boxing, trying to manage his own anger and frustration at you and the situation..
It wasnt about you.

Then he came to apologise and invite you back in, so he's calmed down and got his emotions under control, yet it was you who threw that back in his face.

I'd say this where you need to learn to let things go a bit more, be more willing to see the other person's pov.

Or another scenario is that your oh has treated harshly in the past for simple mistakes and so you've been conditioned to fear his response, which led to you profusely apologising and the spiralling downwards.

Oh I did start off with the approach of 'oh bloody hell can't believe I did that sorry! 'and didn't think it would be a big deal, switched back on and said hopefully it comes back on quickly etc but then I was really upset that his reaction was to be really annoyed and tell me it wasn't a quick fix etc. and then I apologized properly as it seemed he would miss a lot of it and had been looking forward to it.

As it happened, only took a couple of minutes which is when he came to ask me to come back.

@Noshadelamp Where did she say he apologised?

Doing what you did could have wrecked the projector. You can’t just unplug large electronics like that.

Fgs it’s only boxing! Boring sport

I might be taking a massive punt here but I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to unplug the projector 🙄

If my husband carried on the way you did i would have no idea what to say, you put on a performance and now he is is the wrong?

You're right, she didn't. My mistake. In our (neurodivergent) house we understand actions as communication and therefore an action can be an apology, but I appreciate not everyone is like that.

This is what I took to be the apology, it's at the very least a change in attitude.

He came to find me a couple of minutes later, boxing back on and asked me to come back in

I'd be cross if I spent ages setting something up and dh carelessly unplugged it. I'd be crossed if instead of letting me sort it out he shuttered on about his emotions because I dared express being annoyed. People are allowed a couple of minutes of being pissed off.

Yes it is quite a leap from "he asked me to come back in" to "Then he came to apologise and invite you back in, so he's calmed down and got his emotions under control, yet it was you who threw that back in his face."

He should have apologised, much sooner in my view, immediately after the initial outburst which is understandable, and certainly before all the moaning about his projector and telling her very rudely to "say nothing".
Perhaps if he had, and said he wants to watch with her and he knew it was an accident but it made him grumpy in the moment, she'd have apologised for the swearing, and they could have watched all the horrible punching together in peace.

That's how we would do it in my house because we're not stroppy and grumpy

@DarkForces fair enough. I wouldn't. I wouldn't tell a partner who's apologised and is clearly feeling guilty to "say nothing". But guess that's why it's good to get a lot of views because what's acceptable to some is really rude to others.

It's really not that complex, switches for phone charger and projector right next to each other, I said oops sorry etc expecting it to be an inconvenience but not a huge deal , he went on about how much of a problem it was, so I apologized profusely and he said nothing.

I said could he not respond to let me.know he knew it was an accident, could be sorted etc and his reply was, "say nothing".

I eventually said 'oh f**k off' and went outside.

5 minutes later he came out to ask me.to.come back in as daughter had been down, so I went to her and she told me what I have said above. I comforted her and she was fine but it turned what would have been me needing a minute into me neing really upset about the whole ridiculous situation.

Hope that makes the whole story clearer!

Yeah we were having a great night and I went to get my phone to reply to my friend quickly so we could enjoy the main event together!

Was this a PPV fight? The Manny Pacquiao fight tonight is $80. I'd be irritated if I'd paid that and you unplugged the projector. If he was annoyed and focused on trying to fix it that probably wasn't the best time to apologize and expect him to respond positively to that. Sometimes when people are upset they need a few minutes.