To cancel our trip to see dad cos of how my brother’s behaving?

[ShellToast86]

Just need to get this out. It’s long, messy, and I don’t even know what I’m asking really

My younger brother (17 end of Aug) moved in with me back in May after my mum basically couldn’t cope anymore. I’m 13 years older than him and pretty much helped raise him. Changed nappies, fed him, school runs, everything. It’s always been me stepping in when mum couldn’t. She’s always had MH stuff – depression, anxiety, agoraphobia – but never got help. She’s not well and hasn’t been for years but just refuses support.

Our dad cheated when my brother was a toddler – around 2 – and they split. Dad actually stayed involved for a long time after, regular contact, weekends, school things. But then moved back to Germany when my brother was around 10/11. That’s when things started to unravel. My brother doesn’t remember the details, just blames dad for “breaking the family”. Won’t speak to him now, blocked him on everything, ignores all his messages. Says he never had a dad. It’s like he’s rewritten history.

He lived with mum until May but things had got really bad. She let him get away with everything – missed school constantly, weed from about 14, hanging out with older lads, no bedtime, no rules. She called it “keeping the peace”. He was her baby and she wouldn’t hear a bad word against him. He knew it too. The last couple years it turned properly toxic – swearing at her, smashing her phone, shouting in her face, threatening her, throwing stuff. She rang me in tears multiple times but still refused to involve social services. Said he wasn’t going into care and it was either me or dad. Dad’s in Germany and my brother won’t even speak his name, so that left me.

He said he didn’t want to live with her anymore. Said she was “too much”, called her pathetic, said he wasn’t her carer. She was scared of him by the end.

So he came to live with me, my partner, and our two boys – one’s 7, the other’s 14 months and has Down syndrome.

At first it seemed like a fresh start. He said he’d redo his GCSEs, go to college in Sept, started going to the gym with my partner, who was trying hard to be a stable influence. He was even getting on with the boys a bit. I thought we were turning a corner.

But then it unravelled fast. He’s back on the weed – every day – stinks of it, red eyes, out late. Vapes indoors even though I’ve told him not to. His room is disgusting – dirty clothes, dirty plates, bottles of piss under the bed. Won’t wash, won’t clean, won’t even open a window. Barely eats unless it’s sugar and junk.

He lies constantly. Even about pointless stuff. Steals – took my partner’s airpods, denied it even when they were sticking out his hoodie pocket. Refuses to follow any rules. Won’t contribute, won’t speak respectfully, just sits around sneering. Then if you call him out, you’re “bullying” him.

He gets angry out of nowhere, or just cold and weird. Can sit in silence for hours with a blank face, then suddenly explode over something tiny. He said something truly vile about my youngest the other week – “why bother with him, he’s never gonna be normal anyway” – and didn’t even flinch. Just said it and moved on. No apology. Like it was just a fact. I didn’t even know what to say.

He does things that make me wonder about ASD. I used to work in an SEN school as a TA so I’ve seen traits before. He stims – finger picks until he bleeds, rocks sometimes, gets really fixated on random things like certain foods, routines, very black-and-white thinking. Can’t cope if things don’t go exactly his way. He struggles socially too – either totally withdrawn or too intense. Doesn’t seem to get boundaries or tone.

I brought up the idea of maybe exploring if he might be autistic – gently, just as a possible support route – and he absolutely lost it. Said I was calling him a freak, smashed a glass, stormed out and didn’t come back for hours. Said I was just like everyone else, trying to label him. He won’t talk about it now.

So now we’re meant to be going to see our dad on Monday. He’s over from Germany and hasn’t seen us in years. I was looking forward to it – dad wants to meet the baby and see my eldest again. My partner can’t come cos of work so it’d just be me, both boys, and my brother. The journey’s brutal – train to London, Eurostar, then train the other side. About 9 hours door to door.

My brother was reluctant to agree to the trip from the start. Said he didn’t care, didn’t want to see dad, had nothing to say. So I mentioned maybe just me and the boys going instead and now he’s done a complete 180. Full blown meltdown. Shouting, storming around the house, saying I’m abandoning him, that I’m just like mum. Told me if I go without him “don’t bother coming back.”

I’m exhausted. I don’t feel safe travelling that far with him and two young kids and no partner there to help. But if I leave him here, I don’t know what he’ll do – he goes missing when he’s in these moods.

AIBU to cancel the whole thing? Or just go without him?

It all sounds really. I think you've got three separate issues here (1) your Dad - I can't understand why you're travelling to him. If he's that interesting in having a meaningful relationship with either of his children, he needs to travel to you (2) your brother - I'd suggest seeking support from social services asap (appreciate this is easier said than done) (3) your children - how is it for them living in this environment. They don't have a choice around any of this.

Hope things get better for you

To the ones saying I need to contact social services – I know. I really do. I’ve known for a while this is way more than I can manage on my own. But I’m scared. If they put him in foster care I honestly think it could break him even more. He already feels unwanted, like nobody gives a toss about him – I think it would confirm everything he believes about himself. That he’s a problem to be moved around or shoved out of the way. I know that doesn’t mean I should sacrifice my kids’ safety and my own mental health, but it’s not that easy in practice. I can’t stop picturing him thinking I gave up on him.

Someone asked what his explanation was about the urine under the bed – at first he said it was my 7yo (??), which obviously it wasn’t. Then when I called that out, he laughed and said he just needs to pee a lot and couldn’t be arsed going to the toilet. I told him it was disgusting and unacceptable and he just shrugged and said “mum didn’t care, she just left me alone so what else was I meant to do?” No shame, just blank. That sums it up really.

To the people saying I should tell him to leave – I get it, I really do. But the reality is he’s got nowhere to go. He’s adamant he’s not going back to mum’s and I genuinely believe she wouldn’t have him anyway. She won’t say it outright but she’s scared of him now and I don’t blame her. He’s not got any friends he can stay with, no other family. It’d be me sending him out onto the street and I can’t do that. I just can’t.

For the ones saying cancel the trip and ask dad to come to me – I’m leaning more and more that way. I should’ve pushed back on that sooner. It’s been left to me (again) to make this mad 9-hour trip with two small kids and a brother I can’t even trust to behave for an hour, let alone a whole day of travel. I’ve messaged dad this morning and asked if he’d consider coming here instead, even just for a day or two.

I told my brother again last night that we might not be going to Germany and he went into a massive strop. Said I was “leaving him again” and that he’s bored, has no one to do anything with, and everyone’s always making decisions without him. But he didn’t want to go in the first place?? Said he’s not getting on a plane ever so flying’s not even an option. He’s just all over the place.

He doesn’t have a job – he did a bit of work experience with my partner when he first moved in and was actually doing OK, learning bits and sticking with it, but we couldn’t keep it going because there wasn’t really anything regular for him to do. Since then, nothing. I’ve suggested part-time stuff, even just something like McDonald’s to get him out and around people, and he turned his nose up. Said he’s not working in “some fast food dump”.

And as for speaking to someone – mentally or physically – I really don’t think he will. He’s totally closed off to that kind of thing. Thinks it’s all crap. I’ve tried. But he either shuts it down or kicks off.

Anyway, sorry this is another long one. Just wanted to check back in and say thank you. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do yet but reading your replies makes me feel less alone.

Look sometimes people have to learn the hard way. By allowing him to stay you’re causing a form on enabling him. He won’t learn. He knows he can get away with it.

have you ever considered your children are scared of him? Are you?

Going to Germany on your own is too much - I’d cancel; your much bigger problem is getting your brother out of your home and safeguarding your young children. I would stop putting him first and ask him to leave - he’s not going to foster care at his age believe me.

Cancel the trip, that’s insane. Did your dad request it or did you offer (you’re a people pleaser, aren’t you?)

You need SS involvement, you are not your brother’s career, although you’ve been that most of his life. You need to prioritise your children. I’m amazed your partner is tolerating this.

Blunt but correct.

OP, you really must contact Children's Services. You have a prime responsibility to your children, your brother is not your responsibility, he never has been despite you having taken on that responsibility at times. Your children's safety must come first. I'm surprised your husband hasn't put his foot down.

You sound like you are such a lovely person! It sounds like this trip won’t work given the circumstances. I think your Dad should be coming to you.

It is incredibly unlikely that social care would bring your brother into care, this is a really common misconception, but they may be able to help you get him the right support.

You might want to look up exploitation given the stealing, drugs, and missing from home.

Lots of what you are doing is really positive in terms of getting him into college, spending time with him, your partner role modelling etc. If he has had no rules or boundaries at your Mums it will be really hard for you to implement them, I would suggest starting small with some non negotiables.

OP I really feel for you. Unfortunately you are right in terms of how he is likely to respond to what he perceives as a rejection. He is clearly incredibly traumatised and that will carry very long term consequences. The best way to navigate this will be with the support of children’s services, who have supported many a traumatised young person. As the above poster mentioned it’s incredibly unlikely he’ll go to care, especially given his age. There is also a time limit on the support they can offer as once he’s 18 they will not offer any more support and adult services criteria is harder to meet.

The urine … the just not caring.

Mental illness or heavy drugs/alcohol use. Both/self medicating.

Literally no other reason a young person would urinate under a bed.

My experience SS won’t do anything, prob tell you to call police thinking it will fix things. It won’t. They will literally only care if younger child gets hurt … then it will be your fault. But defo call & request adult assessment. Always describe your worst day with him.

However … when he’s 18, it will be a criminal issue if he hurts young child.

He’s almost 18, between child & adult & neither adult nor children’s social will step in, please do call SS urgently and get his case on the list for assessment. You should tell them you think it’s MH issue as your mother suffers it.

Regarding the trip - you are screwed either way …. So go without him. Hide all valuables, lock your bedroom. Take keys with you.

Everyone saying SS won't do anything- unlikely if the brother was living with an adult amd an adult only but this brother is now a safeguarding risk to a 7 year old and a disabled baby.

SS will be concerned from that angle. OP is failing to safeguard her own children. They shouldn't be living with someone constantly vaping, doing drugs, pissing in bottles and leaving them around for a crawling baby to find, and being verbally abusive - including towards a baby with DS. THAT is the bit SS will care about and take action on. OP need to take action of this isn't going to look good on her or her husband as they are continuing to facilitate this.

It will also break your kids if SS take them into foster care cos you haven't done anything proactive about them living with an abusive drug user

You are trying to do things like role model etc good intentions but the time for this has passed. This situation is much more serious than some gym dates and some work experience. This is really serious.

You've told your brother what he needs to do and he's not done it. Your next step is to explain this isn't safe or suitable for children. And explain you want to support him but he can't continue living with you.

I'm just going to be another voice saying you need to protect your DC and get SS involved. Your brother will keep behaving worse and worse until you do something, to prove he is as unlovable as he believes. He's a hurt child but you can't fix him on your own.

Taking two children to Germany on your own is daft if your father can travel. I imagine when you booked it you were thinking your brother would be a help. Otherwise I don't think you should cancel your holiday, giving in to him is just prolonging the inevitable. It all sounds very tough but you're not his parent and you can't endanger your DC.

He is undoubtedly suffering from trauma, which is heartbreaking, but at a certain point you have to say enough is enough when his trauma starts to cause trauma for your children.

You need to ring social services and say he needs to be accommodated, because if they get wind of this nightmare situation from someone else then it could very well be YOUR kids they start to look at because you're not protecting them. It's an incredibly difficult situation and you are clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place, but when victims of domestic abuse don't leave their partners despite the devastating impact on their kids, the kids end up on child protection plans and sometimes even get removed. You really need to be brave. Don't put yourself and your children at that kind of risk.

Another one saying to involve SS as there are massive safeguarding issues here.

I also think taking him to Germany is a no-go, but from a different angle. He’s addicted to cannabis. This means he will likely take some with him - and you are going to cross at least 2 borders on the Eurostar, which will have sniffer dogs. If he has abandonment issues now, imagine how he will feel if he’s arrested and you have to travel onwards. Also - how is he funding this addiction? If he’s not working, then money for the drugs is coming from somewhere else; either he is stealing (from you or your mum or elsewhere) or he is doing favours for the dealers and being paid in drugs. None of which is going to have a good outcome if the police become involved - foster care will be the least of your worries as SS will most definitely be involved.

It is difficult, but you need to get the specialist support in now, on your terms, before it’s imposed on you because he’s hurt one of your children, stolen something or been arrested for dealing / burglary etc.

What does your partner think about your DB living with you? Can he be a positive male role model? Would he even be willing to have your DB there with him, whilst you and DC are in Germany?

He should not be living with you - it’s really unfair on your children.

The best thing would be for him to go and live with your Dad in Germany tbh.

Your poor kids deserve better than being in the same house as an abusive drug user.

I'm sorry, this does sound like a shit position to be in. I just wanted to add, on your latest post, he probably is traumatised, and it's not his fault

However, living with him, no matter what you try to hide from them, will be traumatising your kids in turn. If you don't want to write a near identical post in 10 years about your own child, you need to break the cycle. It's not appropriate for him too be living with your kids.

FYI smoking weed causes psychosis and depression, he needs to be off that stuff.

Social services should remove him as a very last resort. You need their help though and he might listen. ATM you're enabling his behaviour at the expense of yourself and your own kids and partner.

Tell dad to visit you. Sort this out and stop enabling this behaviour.

Lots of kids have trauma and dont behave like this because people set boundaries and actions have consequences.

I know all this sounds very harsh, but sometimes we need that tough love op.

Best of luck and keep us updated I wish you all the best in this awful situation but he has ruled the roost too long.

I'm so sorry parents such hard work too.

You're doing amazing so far reaching out please listen to advise for your own sanity and for your families wellbeing, as well as best wellbeing of your brother.

So what’s your solution? Do nothing? You tried that and it’s not working. You accept this behaviour around your children because you don’t want to do anything to upset him, when it’s the consequence of his dreadful behaviour. He’s making a choice to be like this. Put your children first for once, ffs.

OP, at his age, even if he is traumatised by his past, he is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. I would be very firm with him, tell him you love him, and you want to make things work so that he can live with you and your family, but that his current behaviour is unacceptable. There are certain rules in your house which are non negotiable, ie, piss in bottles, smoking dope, etc.. Tell him that if he is able to keep to the rules, then you will do your absolute best to help him get on the road to a decent life, get a job, etc., BUT the minute he chooses to break the rules, and it is HIS choice, he is on his own and will no longer be able to live with you. Be sure that he knows you MEAN it, and that no amount of begging and pleading for another chance if he messes up this time, will mend things! Then DO IT! He has to learn that life IS HARD, and that no one is going to make things easy for you for ever. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, so that he can go out into the world and be a man. Instead, he's expecting to be molly coddled, and you're enabling his appalling behaviour, whilst putting your own children at risk. Sorry OP, but he needs TOUGH LOVE, not mollycoddling!

I screamed several times reading this. Especially at ‘bottles of piss under the bed’ and ‘he’s never going to be normal anyway’.

my god what a mess.

I get it, he’s a shit and has no respect, he’s a bit like a leech at the moment (takes but doesn’t give back). It’s time for some ultimatums. He either starts some serious counselling and gets his act together, or he’ll have to figure it out on his own. The trouble is, you’re sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place because if you kick him out his life is just going to continue going downhill and lead to some nasty consequences. It’s hard to see a brother go down that road. You also can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s very very hard.

This 100% .
He is obviously very traumatised by his dad leaving and his mums mental health problems. Which will have definitely had a negative effect on him.
Then you have to factor in weed. Weed when you are so young can cause a lot of problems with development. Especially if he has used it for a few years.

Its sad as a fresh start in Germany may have been good for him.
You sound like a lovely sister who has really tried to help him.

I’m sorry but your kids and dp deserve better than this. Yes he might be traumatised but he’s also showing complete disrespect to you and lying blaming your little one for the urine. Refusing to work as it’s beneath him. So much more I could say. Yes I’ve had a bad childhood as a lot of people have but we don’t go on to abuse those around us. He doesn’t care about your children. Your house must stink with all the weed and lack of hygiene. Honestly please put your children first. They don’t need this in their childhood.

Actions=consequences. Yr brother really does not understand this. A couple of suggestions- change the WiFi password. If he wants access to services he has to comply with basic hygiene and safe living. Get SS to visit and discuss reasonable behaviours with him and you and your children present. Get yr children to explain what they want and don’t want. Social services can do light touch, they don’t have to take him away forever, just put a plan together with you, your brother and yr family, give you backup. Give a timeframe for improvement. Consider removal as a last resort but with the option he can return if his behaviours improve. Say you are prepared to have him at yours but he needs to follow basic ground rules.

He may behave very differently in front of SS and it may also be the chance he needs to explain why he is so angry, and get some help.