Just need to get this out. It’s long, messy, and I don’t even know what I’m asking really
My younger brother (17 end of Aug) moved in with me back in May after my mum basically couldn’t cope anymore. I’m 13 years older than him and pretty much helped raise him. Changed nappies, fed him, school runs, everything. It’s always been me stepping in when mum couldn’t. She’s always had MH stuff – depression, anxiety, agoraphobia – but never got help. She’s not well and hasn’t been for years but just refuses support.
Our dad cheated when my brother was a toddler – around 2 – and they split. Dad actually stayed involved for a long time after, regular contact, weekends, school things. But then moved back to Germany when my brother was around 10/11. That’s when things started to unravel. My brother doesn’t remember the details, just blames dad for “breaking the family”. Won’t speak to him now, blocked him on everything, ignores all his messages. Says he never had a dad. It’s like he’s rewritten history.
He lived with mum until May but things had got really bad. She let him get away with everything – missed school constantly, weed from about 14, hanging out with older lads, no bedtime, no rules. She called it “keeping the peace”. He was her baby and she wouldn’t hear a bad word against him. He knew it too. The last couple years it turned properly toxic – swearing at her, smashing her phone, shouting in her face, threatening her, throwing stuff. She rang me in tears multiple times but still refused to involve social services. Said he wasn’t going into care and it was either me or dad. Dad’s in Germany and my brother won’t even speak his name, so that left me.
He said he didn’t want to live with her anymore. Said she was “too much”, called her pathetic, said he wasn’t her carer. She was scared of him by the end.
So he came to live with me, my partner, and our two boys – one’s 7, the other’s 14 months and has Down syndrome.
At first it seemed like a fresh start. He said he’d redo his GCSEs, go to college in Sept, started going to the gym with my partner, who was trying hard to be a stable influence. He was even getting on with the boys a bit. I thought we were turning a corner.
But then it unravelled fast. He’s back on the weed – every day – stinks of it, red eyes, out late. Vapes indoors even though I’ve told him not to. His room is disgusting – dirty clothes, dirty plates, bottles of piss under the bed. Won’t wash, won’t clean, won’t even open a window. Barely eats unless it’s sugar and junk.
He lies constantly. Even about pointless stuff. Steals – took my partner’s airpods, denied it even when they were sticking out his hoodie pocket. Refuses to follow any rules. Won’t contribute, won’t speak respectfully, just sits around sneering. Then if you call him out, you’re “bullying” him.
He gets angry out of nowhere, or just cold and weird. Can sit in silence for hours with a blank face, then suddenly explode over something tiny. He said something truly vile about my youngest the other week – “why bother with him, he’s never gonna be normal anyway” – and didn’t even flinch. Just said it and moved on. No apology. Like it was just a fact. I didn’t even know what to say.
He does things that make me wonder about ASD. I used to work in an SEN school as a TA so I’ve seen traits before. He stims – finger picks until he bleeds, rocks sometimes, gets really fixated on random things like certain foods, routines, very black-and-white thinking. Can’t cope if things don’t go exactly his way. He struggles socially too – either totally withdrawn or too intense. Doesn’t seem to get boundaries or tone.
I brought up the idea of maybe exploring if he might be autistic – gently, just as a possible support route – and he absolutely lost it. Said I was calling him a freak, smashed a glass, stormed out and didn’t come back for hours. Said I was just like everyone else, trying to label him. He won’t talk about it now.
So now we’re meant to be going to see our dad on Monday. He’s over from Germany and hasn’t seen us in years. I was looking forward to it – dad wants to meet the baby and see my eldest again. My partner can’t come cos of work so it’d just be me, both boys, and my brother. The journey’s brutal – train to London, Eurostar, then train the other side. About 9 hours door to door.
My brother was reluctant to agree to the trip from the start. Said he didn’t care, didn’t want to see dad, had nothing to say. So I mentioned maybe just me and the boys going instead and now he’s done a complete 180. Full blown meltdown. Shouting, storming around the house, saying I’m abandoning him, that I’m just like mum. Told me if I go without him “don’t bother coming back.”
I’m exhausted. I don’t feel safe travelling that far with him and two young kids and no partner there to help. But if I leave him here, I don’t know what he’ll do – he goes missing when he’s in these moods.
AIBU to cancel the whole thing? Or just go without him?