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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh called me rude for having friends over

78 replies

woolshop · 19/07/2025 15:09

Hi all. I’m wanting to know if I’m being unreasonable for being upset that husband Dh has called me rude for having friends over.
First time posting in AIBU so not sure if I’ve done the poll correctly but here goes.
Married 30 yrs to Dh who is a workaholic with no time for friends. I work part time and live away from family so have made an effort to make a group of friends who have known each other for 20 years.
We take turns in hosting drinks on a Friday once a month and that person then chooses a place to eat out the following month so it works out you only host at your house once a year.
Last year when I hosted Dh made a fuss and got cranky saying he thought it was unfair he should have to come home to HIS house with people invading HIS privacy and he just wanted to watch the football in peace.
I replied it’s my house too and I need my friends as he is unavailable much of the time and it’s only once a year ffs.
Our house has 2 separate living areas and I host in the front room and he sits in the living area/ kitchen at the back of the house and is able to to watch the football without having to see us. So I don’t see the problem.
Last week I told him the girls would be coming on Friday night and he said I was rude for thinking it was fair that I ask my friends to be there in his house and spoil his Friday night.
I told him it was rude for saying I couldn’t have friends over to my house once a year and to get over it. I added that I wouldn’t care if he had friends over as I would just say hi, leave them to it and go to a different part of the house. He replied he would never do that to me as it’s inconsiderate and rude.
I find this attitude very controlling and baffling to be honest.
I understand he is exhausted from working 12 hour days as he is in his 60s but it’s his choice as we could retire tomorrow but he wants to work until he is 70.
He is becoming more and more unsociable and thinks I am all he needs for company despite me telling him he is not enough for me and I need my friends.
At times over our marriage I have thought of leaving due to loneliness and feeling his priority is always work but have reasoned that on the whole he has been a considerate, loving husband and father and wonderful provider. This allowed me to be a sahm when the DC were young and work part time in a job I love now the DC are adults and have left home. I appreciate I have time for my hobbies but I also run the house which allows him to work endless hours.
Yabu. I should respect Dh need to have his house to himself
Yanbu. I should ignore Dh and continue to have friends over and enjoy my social life.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/07/2025 15:13

Stand your ground. It's your house as well and it's not as if you live on top of each other. Once a year is nothing. It's not your fault he's an introvert.

tipsyraven · 19/07/2025 15:14

First post covers it.

toomuchfaff · 19/07/2025 15:18

Tell him to do one.

It's your house too.

If he wants to be alone and in peace he can sod off to bed. Or get him a man shed in the garden so he doesn't even have to encounter a single human being.

Once a year is nothing. Surprising you don't socialise more often considering he sounds like he diverts most of his time to work.

millymoo1202 · 19/07/2025 15:18

Who made him boss of the house and you, he sounds like a misery

TheSandgroper · 19/07/2025 15:23

Have you gamed to yourself what his retirement is going to look like for you? If he can’t handle you having a life one night per annum…

notatallcuriousmama · 19/07/2025 15:26

TheSandgroper · 19/07/2025 15:23

Have you gamed to yourself what his retirement is going to look like for you? If he can’t handle you having a life one night per annum…

Edited

I was thinking this. Sounds like hell.

cgiwaly · 19/07/2025 15:35

He's being unreasonable. It's once a year. Once a month wouldn't even be too much in my opinion.
You are entitled to have friends and have them over to visit. Are other friends and family able to come over at other times too or does he make a fuss about it?
There are even two living areas so it's not even like you're taking over an entire open plan ground floor for example which would mean him having to watch football upstairs (and even if he did, once a year, that wouldn't be unreasonable either).
He can go out for the evening if he doesn't like it, watch the TV in the other room as he does, go upstairs, sit in the garden, whatever.

Are you going to be able to tolerate this sort of thing when you are both retired? It will only get worse.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 15:43

Thanks all for the replies. Glad to see people agree I should stand my ground.
I do socialise/ do hobbies during the week with friends and he is fine with that as doesn’t impact his life.
Over the years I have tried to encourage being social as a couple but there are always excuses like too much to do in the garden, oil the deck, more work to do ( he is self employed)
He also worries about having enough money to retire on as he thinks he will live forever whereas I have already lost 3 siblings to cancer and I want to live life now.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 19/07/2025 15:45

I would tell him it's one night a year and he needs to get a grip if he wants to remain living together.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/07/2025 15:46

You’re his wife not his housekeeper/servant. Its your home too, there is space for him to avoid you all and friends around one evening per year is postively lightweight in terms of entertaining.

Why does he think he gets to restrict your friendships? Its pretty plain that he isn’t filling that gap himself.

Noshadelamp · 19/07/2025 15:50

I would start having my friends over every month, get him used to it!

He's been spoilt with you bending to fit to him.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 15:55

cgiwaly · 19/07/2025 15:35

He's being unreasonable. It's once a year. Once a month wouldn't even be too much in my opinion.
You are entitled to have friends and have them over to visit. Are other friends and family able to come over at other times too or does he make a fuss about it?
There are even two living areas so it's not even like you're taking over an entire open plan ground floor for example which would mean him having to watch football upstairs (and even if he did, once a year, that wouldn't be unreasonable either).
He can go out for the evening if he doesn't like it, watch the TV in the other room as he does, go upstairs, sit in the garden, whatever.

Are you going to be able to tolerate this sort of thing when you are both retired? It will only get worse.

No. He is happy for me to have friends over during the week when he’s at work however I tend to meet friends out for coffee and walks.
Yes I have wondered about retirement and when we discuss it he says he has no plans to retire I tell him I’m retiring at 67 ( 5 yrs time) but I love my job and only work 2 days a week so really feel semi retired.
I have to fight feelings of guilt to spend time having fun and enjoying life as he just works during the week and doesn’t really relax on the weekend.
His father always told him life wasn’t meant to be fun and enjoyed but to work hard and he has embraced this theory unfortunately.
We have a daughter who moved to the uk. Now married with DC and I’ve had to be firm and go on my own to visit if he’s too busy. I’m not going to miss out on seeing my grandbabies and daughter.

OP posts:
Pizzagirly · 19/07/2025 15:58

I would quietly get organised because he has given you clear insight as to what a controlling prick he will be when he retires eventually.

You will not want to be around that, believe me.

Get organised while you can.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:06

C8H10N4O2 · 19/07/2025 15:46

You’re his wife not his housekeeper/servant. Its your home too, there is space for him to avoid you all and friends around one evening per year is postively lightweight in terms of entertaining.

Why does he think he gets to restrict your friendships? Its pretty plain that he isn’t filling that gap himself.

Thanks for your reply. I agree there is so much space and that’s why I cannot comprehend his reasoning.
We have been together since we were 20 and he has never placed any importance on seeing/ having friends. His excuse being he speaks to clients all week and doesn’t feel the need.
Early in our marriage when I wanted to go out with friends he questioned why I would want to go out and wasn’t he enough and as we are best friends we don’t need anyone else but I quickly made him understand that was very unhealthy and he was not enough for me.
Ironically on occasions when we do go out he is very out going, friendly and always the last to leave and everyone who knows him thinks he’s the most beautiful person which he is.
I can’t work him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:16

Pizzagirly · 19/07/2025 15:58

I would quietly get organised because he has given you clear insight as to what a controlling prick he will be when he retires eventually.

You will not want to be around that, believe me.

Get organised while you can.

I do consider the pros and cons of staying and why I asked the question as sometimes I dont know who is being unreasonable. I have such a great life on the whole but then his controlling ways annoy me.
I feel I can stay in the marriage as I am strong enough to stand my ground when I need to
and he doesn’t stop me doing what I want. He just grumbles about certain things but if I just ignore he does get over it.
As we all know marriage is very complex with many ups and downs with living with the same person for so long but I would leave if it became too difficult.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 19/07/2025 16:18

Retirement will be hell with this man.

ConcernedOfClapham · 19/07/2025 16:23

Just depressing, OP

Do you really think there’s even a small chance you were being unreasonable?

Any redeeming features you’d like to point out that might help me see your DH in even a teensy weeny bit of a positive light?

😩

Luckyingame · 19/07/2025 16:24

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 15:13

Stand your ground. It's your house as well and it's not as if you live on top of each other. Once a year is nothing. It's not your fault he's an introvert.

Yes, you are right.
Thankfully, both my husband and I are in the same boat and wouldn't have anyone in the house, not even once a year.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:25

millymoo1202 · 19/07/2025 15:18

Who made him boss of the house and you, he sounds like a misery

Haha yes. He can definitely be a soul sucker.
I make sure I do what I feel is reasonable and over the years when we’ve been invited to events if he backs out at the last minute I go on my own.
This even included overseas trips he has pulled out off last minute due to work.
The upside is I quite like travelling on my own and quite frankly prefer it as he can be a pita with his having to have every aspect of the holiday planned to his specifications.

OP posts:
Pizzagirly · 19/07/2025 16:34

Retirement will you being on the clock every minute of every day.
Constantly asking where you are going and when will you be back.
Expecting meals on the dot.
I have met women like that.
You may be strong but it will wear you down, take your peace and can induce a low level of anxiety.

A sister of a friend of mine had a husband like that and she had two years of it when he had a stroke.
He was in hospital and a rehabilitation unit for months when they mentioned him coming home.
She had had 6 months of freedom after 40 years of it.
She refused to have him home. Said she was happy to sell the house if necessary but she wasn't going to be his carer. They didn't have children so she was done.

His bossy sister tried to intervene and was told bring him home if she wanted to.
Eventually she got legal advice and was advised to go for a clean break.
They are divorced now two years and she looks 20 years younger.
She bought a house with a widowed friend and is one happy woman living a simple peaceful life, her own boss for the first time in decades.

She was a victim of absolute coercive control and could prove it as her salary was transferred to him every month as per years of bank statements.

Fortunately the money was all accessible and she is now extremely comfortably off.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:37

ConcernedOfClapham · 19/07/2025 16:23

Just depressing, OP

Do you really think there’s even a small chance you were being unreasonable?

Any redeeming features you’d like to point out that might help me see your DH in even a teensy weeny bit of a positive light?

😩

No but I just wanted to hear it from other people.
He does have many redeeming qualities and that’s why I’ve stayed in the marriage.
He is very supportive of my profession (allied health) and constantly tells me what a wonderful mother/wife/ person I am.
He pulls his weight around the house. Great cook and handyman. Grandkids think he’s the best and is so good with them.
Is very generous/ thoughtful with gifts at birthdays and Christmas. I know he loves me.
He just needs a life!!

Anyway I’m very grateful to see the responses that I’m not being unreasonable so will continue to have the girls over once a year with confidence. 😉
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 19/07/2025 16:39

Tell him you have offered to host your friends every other month. He will be so horrified you can let him argue you down to once a year and he'll think it a tremendous win. It's really not impinging much on his life if he doesn't sit in his living room one evening a year.

Threesacrow · 19/07/2025 16:43

I like your style, think we must be soulmates! The truth is, he needs you much more than you need him. You will continue to have an interesting and varied social life if you separate, but he relies on you so much that he would be lost on his own. You have the upper hand, so use it. Let him know that if he tries to control your life, he will lose you. He needs to step up, plan a retirement that you can both enjoy, and stop whinging about having your friends around when he's there. If you think he can't do that, leave him and enjoy your best years.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:49

Pizzagirly · 19/07/2025 16:34

Retirement will you being on the clock every minute of every day.
Constantly asking where you are going and when will you be back.
Expecting meals on the dot.
I have met women like that.
You may be strong but it will wear you down, take your peace and can induce a low level of anxiety.

A sister of a friend of mine had a husband like that and she had two years of it when he had a stroke.
He was in hospital and a rehabilitation unit for months when they mentioned him coming home.
She had had 6 months of freedom after 40 years of it.
She refused to have him home. Said she was happy to sell the house if necessary but she wasn't going to be his carer. They didn't have children so she was done.

His bossy sister tried to intervene and was told bring him home if she wanted to.
Eventually she got legal advice and was advised to go for a clean break.
They are divorced now two years and she looks 20 years younger.
She bought a house with a widowed friend and is one happy woman living a simple peaceful life, her own boss for the first time in decades.

She was a victim of absolute coercive control and could prove it as her salary was transferred to him every month as per years of bank statements.

Fortunately the money was all accessible and she is now extremely comfortably off.

Thanks for your reply. Sounds horrendous for your friends sister and I have thought recently how horrible it would be if I had to become a carer even in a “perfect marriage “.
Thankfully he is a very fit person and will remain healthy and with my family history unfortunately I will probably die before him.
I feel guilty when I think I hope he does go before me but I would love a few years where I could do exactly what I wanted as I know there would be enough money to really enjoy my life and visit my daughter overseas whenever I want.

OP posts:
Lavenderflower · 19/07/2025 16:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Do you think he has social anxiety? He sounds quite avoidant. Being a workaholic can be a sign of underlying psychological issues.

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