Dh called me rude for having friends over

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Hi all. I’m wanting to know if I’m being unreasonable for being upset that husband Dh has called me rude for having friends over.
First time posting in AIBU so not sure if I’ve done the poll correctly but here goes.
Married 30 yrs to Dh who is a workaholic with no time for friends. I work part time and live away from family so have made an effort to make a group of friends who have known each other for 20 years.
We take turns in hosting drinks on a Friday once a month and that person then chooses a place to eat out the following month so it works out you only host at your house once a year.
Last year when I hosted Dh made a fuss and got cranky saying he thought it was unfair he should have to come home to HIS house with people invading HIS privacy and he just wanted to watch the football in peace.
I replied it’s my house too and I need my friends as he is unavailable much of the time and it’s only once a year ffs.
Our house has 2 separate living areas and I host in the front room and he sits in the living area/ kitchen at the back of the house and is able to to watch the football without having to see us. So I don’t see the problem.
Last week I told him the girls would be coming on Friday night and he said I was rude for thinking it was fair that I ask my friends to be there in his house and spoil his Friday night.
I told him it was rude for saying I couldn’t have friends over to my house once a year and to get over it. I added that I wouldn’t care if he had friends over as I would just say hi, leave them to it and go to a different part of the house. He replied he would never do that to me as it’s inconsiderate and rude.
I find this attitude very controlling and baffling to be honest.
I understand he is exhausted from working 12 hour days as he is in his 60s but it’s his choice as we could retire tomorrow but he wants to work until he is 70.
He is becoming more and more unsociable and thinks I am all he needs for company despite me telling him he is not enough for me and I need my friends.
At times over our marriage I have thought of leaving due to loneliness and feeling his priority is always work but have reasoned that on the whole he has been a considerate, loving husband and father and wonderful provider. This allowed me to be a sahm when the DC were young and work part time in a job I love now the DC are adults and have left home. I appreciate I have time for my hobbies but I also run the house which allows him to work endless hours.
Yabu. I should respect Dh need to have his house to himself
Yanbu. I should ignore Dh and continue to have friends over and enjoy my social life.

Mil has similar arrangements she made her peace with it about same age you are. She goes on hols with her friends, active social life with her girlfriends, lots of hobbies. Fil potters around the house not feeling the need to see anyone or go out. He makes the odd grumpy comments but she brushes them off and tells him he is welcome to join her on hols and visiting. Children

I disagree with some of the posts, in that there's nothing innately wrong with being very introverted and not wanting to socialise - if he's happy like that then you trying to make him go out and do stuff is as bad as him restricting you from doing it.

The difference is that, although you disagree with his view, it sounds as though you accept it. You don't sulk and complain and try to guilt trip him into doing things with you, you go out and please yourself (which I think is really impressive btw, so many women refuse to go and do things alone). Whereas he is trying to impose his views on and restrict you.

Which is why I agree with the a lot of the posts querying what will happen when he retires. If it was just a case of opposites attracts and he was happy chilling out at home, doing DIY and going on long bike rides or walks (or whatever solitary activities) whereas you liked going out and about, and were happy to do so alone, with your dd or friends, I wouldn't see any issue.

I’d keep some part time work when he retires or he will be stuck to you like a bad smell

Hi OP, you're of course right and I don't have much to add to other posters in terms of this particular situation.

But you mentioned not being able to work him out (an exaggeration after all these years, I'm sure!) but it strikes me from what you've that the common thread is that he is very much a 100% person and absolutely, viscerally, can't do things by halves.

Work - all consuming, 7 days per week, must continue until he's 70 (hence as you say, no bandwidth for much else). You - best friend, wonderful person, no need for anyone else. When he does go out - life and soul, last to leave. Guests - must (in his mind) be fully acknowledged, hosted, attended to- not to do so would be "rude" of him and embarrassing you in some way (so anywhere he is in the house while your friends are over, his peace is 'destroyed')

That all fits with his father's attitude that life is for hard work, doing your best etc.

None of that means you shouldn't have them round - absolutely not - but that's my speculation about what's going on here. It sounds like a deep-rooted approach to life and sense of what's right and owed from him to other people/ things. If he's going to do something, he had to throw himself into it 100% and do it with total commitment.

That's also a wonderful quality in many respects but had its drawbacks!

Just in case that rings true and helps you plan an approach to this.

Maybe making up some nonsense about how friend X, Y or Z who is coming over had said to you that she knows how hard your husband works and hopes he doesn't feel the need to get up and play host while they're all there / that they'd feel much better about being there if they knew all be was going to do was pop his head in and then retire might help give him "permission" in his own mind?

Workaholic men who were in management positions with no life outside of work, used to their every word being listened to especially struggle.

A friend of mine found her husband suddenly very bossy and she told him she had enough of him and they needed a break. She went on an extended lone holiday to visit her sister in Australia and when she came home told him that she would rather divorce than tolerate him any longer.
The penny dropped finally, faced with the house being sold.
She upped her volunteering to 3 days a week.
Eventually her husband went to a local mens shed that was looking for volunteers and that has become a complete life saver for him and his natural need to lead others🙄.

Of course you’re not being rude. It’s your home too and it’s once a year. Good grief it would be perfectly reasonable to have friends round a lot more often than that.

I'll drop round when he's at work and make you a patio.
Tbh I had an ex like this but in his early 40's, he had never moved up the career ladder beyond manager but carried on as if the work place would fall down if he wasn't there. It was relentless.
I announced I was divorcing him and his first words were "If it goes to court about the kids, it will need to fit around my work"

It's really sad that he even has you questioning whether it's OK to have friends over ONCE a year. My husband is very sociable naturally, but as a comparison he will ask "do you want me around or not" and if I say "no go out" he'll happily take the dog to the pub or see someone, if I say "no hang around it's fine" he'll have a polite chat, make drinks, be friendly etc. I probably only do that monthly as like you I can see friends in the day. I cannot imagine a world where he would say "don't have them here". It's your house too and he has space to escape anyway. The real question is why won't he socialise too, and why have you had to build such a wildly separate social life from him, that he is so distant from. It sounds like either, he's very anti social and just doesn't have any desire for friendships at all OR theres something going on mental health wise, maybe social anxiety or depression that's stopping him from being able to enjoy life.
Ultimately you need to think about whether you'll be happy like this forever. I personally picture my late 60s and early 70s as a mix of socialising, holidaying, seeing adult kids, spending time at the gym, walking, cooking etc. When you picture the next ten years how does he fit in, does he picture the same, will he be able to give you the companionship you need.. at the very least, will he enable you to use your home the way you want if he's in it all the time? If there's any reservations, life is short and time us precious, don't let this many steal some of your good years away

I loathe having people over, and even I don't think you are unreasonable. DH is as unsociable as me, but if he wanted people over I'd say a polite, 'Hi' and then go upstairs and leave them to it. It wouldn't bother me. It would only bother me if I was expected to hostess an evening when I didn't want to.

You're not asking him to do anything.

@Hatty65

out of interest, why do you hate having friends over?

One Friday a year? It's not unreasonable for him to make allowances for that.

@Cherrytree86 Mostly laziness! When younger I worked very long hours, and I'm an introvert who finds other people tiring. The house was messy and the idea of having people over meant I'd be involved in a frantic hour or two of shoving things into cupboards, hoovering, washing up and having to think of entertaining. Funnily enough we have 4 kids and when they were teens our place was the 'hangout' place and their friends thought I was cool because as long as my role is limited to saying, 'Hello love, nice to see you again' and then retreating upstairs with a book and leaving them to it then I'm fine.

Now I've got a chronic health condition that leaves me very tired anyway. The house isn't as messy (kids have left home) but I still find people tiring and the thought of having people round just isn't appealing. I'm happy pottering about with DH and reading in peace.

Could you perhaps agree a date with him before inviting your friends? I think the issue is perhaps he is feeling ‘informed’ rather than ‘consulted’ about what he sees as an invasion of his space/home on his relaxation day.

Thank you for your perspective. I have actually thought that Dh could be depressed and actually when I come to think about it he would often say he felt depressed on a Sunday as not officially working so would slow down long enough to reflect on how life was going for him.
I have done quite a lot of self awareness reading/therapy to help me through family stuff and he knows it has benefited me and so he has done some work like reading Gabor mates book which has helped but these long working hours just make him miserable to live with 80%of the time.

We have separate bedrooms and separate living areas already and that where I was hosting my friends. That’s why I didn’t I was being unreasonable

Thanks for your reply. Yes a few of my friends live in a similar situation also but with us it has crept up/ worsened recently so in a way I’m use to some of these behaviours but that incident occurring 2 years in a row prompted me to really question and realise I need some strategies just like your mum.
Since posting I feel a lot stronger resolve to carry on doing what I want to do in a reasonable way and just ignore the comments and not engaged.
I’ve planned a trip to see a good friend who has moved a flight away and when he asked incredulously if I was really going to go I smiled and said yes.
Mind you I had invited him to come and join me and we could do our own trip, as he has always wanted to go to this destination, but although he has nearly a years worth of leave he said he couldn’t take the time of work 🤷‍♀️
Thanks to good old mumsnet I’m a new woman. Haha.

Thank you for your reply.
You actually listed all his favourite things to do when he does have downtime!!
I guess I get confused because when he isint tired he will say I’m happy for you to do whatever you want to do and I can look after myself but then next minute he’s rolling his eyes and calling me rude and having a dig about how little I work/ spending his money. That is very insulting and off putting to me as I know he couldn’t work his crazy hours without me organising the rest of his life.
As far as retirement I’m not worried that he won’t find things to do as he likes to stay busy and as he won’t retire for another 8 years I think I will have trained him in that this is the way I’m going to live my life. With or without you basically.

Unfortunately he says he won’t retire until he is 70 and although I will continue to work 3 days a fortnight until 2030 no way am I working until 70. ( we are the same age).

Thank you for your very well thought out reply and I think you are right especially about feeling rude if he didn’t come out to say hi to the girls.
I hadn’t thought about it quite like that but another thing that has always flabbergasted me is when we are with his brother and wife he would never say ok time to go or I’m off to bed…. That is what I would do and he would also see that as rude!! Even though he will complain to me that they wouldn’t leave/ go to bed. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I would say if you can’t call it a night with your own brother as I would do with my siblings what’s going on!!!!
Agree he is 100% person. DIY projects are done so meticulously it drives me crazy. Although I do get to reap the benefits.
So with your insight perhaps I can take this into consideration and be more understanding but still stand my ground.
Thanks again.

Thanks for your reply.
There has been a couple of times of the marriage where I have sat him down and said this isn’t working and asked if he was happy and wanted to continue the relationship.
He would always be receptive and we would do some work on the marriage and I have felt in many ways over the years he has tried and I’ve appreciated that and I guess that’s why we are still together.
But who knows what the future will be for us.

Thanks for your reply. Your husband sounds like a gem and I so wish my husband had a few friends to go off with.
When we were first married I would question him about the importance of friends and he would say if they were true friends you don’t need to see them which was incredulous to me as I would say well what’s the point if you never see them.
Ironically he was head boy at his school and loved by all but I guess that was his conscientious and responsible nature coming out.
As we met and married young I didn’t know about this antisocial, workaholic side to him.
And I think it’s more exhaustion and burnout that makes him not want to do things/ socialise.
I picture my 60s and early 70s as you do and I go overseas yearly to visit my daughter and grandkids ( he comes every second year).
I tell him I want us to do small trips in our own country and that these are our best years to travel while in good health and physically fit but he just doesn’t get it.

Your post really resonates with me and our Dhs sound very similar in their wants and needs and being genuinely decent, loving men.
He loves spending time with his Dc, dgc
and extended family also.
I think our lives will be similar to yours and that will be fine by me so long as he doesn’t guilt trip me when I do want to go places without him.
Thanks again for your optimistic post. Lots of food for thought and a way to be accepting of differences.

He loves his and my extended family and loves when they come to visit making a big effort to socialise and make their stay enjoyable. I guess I should remember that.
So thanks for prompting me to see a good side to him. It’s definitely not all negative.
He can definitely be a soul sucker at times though but no one would see that side except me which is frustrating!!

He may well struggle with retirement. My dad was a workaholic and became very anxious/depressed upon retiring. He developed a routine (allotment/garden/dog walks) to help him cope. Both him and mum were introverts though so he had company.
ironically my dh is pretty anti social, he wasn’t when we first met, had a large group of mates who he saw several times a week . But as soon as we moved in he stopped making the effort and saw them less and less (now around once a year) He’s fine with me doing stuff but there is a element of “yeah I’ll be ok I need to do xyz (whilst parenting our son) but I’m sure I’ll manage you should go” he claims he’s thinking out loud and not trying to put me off from going. But now I go anyway. Same with money, if I mention I’m doing something he will say (coincidentally) about the credit card being high. Weirdly he doesn’t get concerned about the credit card when he is buying gym equipment.

We do a lot of hiking, long weekends away a couple of times a year and we travel to see extended family.
Week to week we get on well and are good companions. It’s more when I want to go out with friends.

He is a great provider and very easy to live with in regards to pulling his weight and I know he loves me and cares for me. He also often tells me how much he appreciates all that I do.