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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh called me rude for having friends over

78 replies

woolshop · 19/07/2025 15:09

Hi all. I’m wanting to know if I’m being unreasonable for being upset that husband Dh has called me rude for having friends over.
First time posting in AIBU so not sure if I’ve done the poll correctly but here goes.
Married 30 yrs to Dh who is a workaholic with no time for friends. I work part time and live away from family so have made an effort to make a group of friends who have known each other for 20 years.
We take turns in hosting drinks on a Friday once a month and that person then chooses a place to eat out the following month so it works out you only host at your house once a year.
Last year when I hosted Dh made a fuss and got cranky saying he thought it was unfair he should have to come home to HIS house with people invading HIS privacy and he just wanted to watch the football in peace.
I replied it’s my house too and I need my friends as he is unavailable much of the time and it’s only once a year ffs.
Our house has 2 separate living areas and I host in the front room and he sits in the living area/ kitchen at the back of the house and is able to to watch the football without having to see us. So I don’t see the problem.
Last week I told him the girls would be coming on Friday night and he said I was rude for thinking it was fair that I ask my friends to be there in his house and spoil his Friday night.
I told him it was rude for saying I couldn’t have friends over to my house once a year and to get over it. I added that I wouldn’t care if he had friends over as I would just say hi, leave them to it and go to a different part of the house. He replied he would never do that to me as it’s inconsiderate and rude.
I find this attitude very controlling and baffling to be honest.
I understand he is exhausted from working 12 hour days as he is in his 60s but it’s his choice as we could retire tomorrow but he wants to work until he is 70.
He is becoming more and more unsociable and thinks I am all he needs for company despite me telling him he is not enough for me and I need my friends.
At times over our marriage I have thought of leaving due to loneliness and feeling his priority is always work but have reasoned that on the whole he has been a considerate, loving husband and father and wonderful provider. This allowed me to be a sahm when the DC were young and work part time in a job I love now the DC are adults and have left home. I appreciate I have time for my hobbies but I also run the house which allows him to work endless hours.
Yabu. I should respect Dh need to have his house to himself
Yanbu. I should ignore Dh and continue to have friends over and enjoy my social life.

OP posts:
Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:51

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/07/2025 16:39

Tell him you have offered to host your friends every other month. He will be so horrified you can let him argue you down to once a year and he'll think it a tremendous win. It's really not impinging much on his life if he doesn't sit in his living room one evening a year.

Haha thanks I might try that.

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/07/2025 16:57

You are doing nothing wrong. Please don’t give in to him.

JMSA · 19/07/2025 16:57

I mean, what a sad bastard really.

Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 17:00

Threesacrow · 19/07/2025 16:43

I like your style, think we must be soulmates! The truth is, he needs you much more than you need him. You will continue to have an interesting and varied social life if you separate, but he relies on you so much that he would be lost on his own. You have the upper hand, so use it. Let him know that if he tries to control your life, he will lose you. He needs to step up, plan a retirement that you can both enjoy, and stop whinging about having your friends around when he's there. If you think he can't do that, leave him and enjoy your best years.

Wow. Great insight and I think you are right.
I constantly have spoken to him over the years about the importance of him having friends outside the marriage to confide in and share interests with but he is sooo responsible and conscientious in his work he just doesn’t have the bandwidth.
I think he knows he can’t control me and even though it makes me sad that we are often more like housemates every so often he makes an effort and we grow close again.
I am determined to enjoy my best years and he knows it.

OP posts:
Original poster
woolshop · 19/07/2025 17:11

Lavenderflower · 19/07/2025 16:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Do you think he has social anxiety? He sounds quite avoidant. Being a workaholic can be a sign of underlying psychological issues.

Thanks for your reply.
I don’t think he has social anxiety as when we do go out he is very friendly, chats to anyone, very interested to hear about other people. He is just so tired and burnt out he doesn’t have the energy and it’s easier to stay home.
You are right though he is avoidant in many other aspects of his life.
We recently found out from his mother there was a very traumatic family event that occurred when he was one and he was separated from his parents and siblings for a period of time and we have discussed whether this has contributed to his inability to attach to people other than myself and his DC.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 19/07/2025 18:03

You're my age, op. He will eventually retire, like it or not, then he will plummet into the realisation that there is no more work, no more time - consuming activity, no more colleagues, clients etc.

Then there he'll be, no friends, interests, hobbies, activities, nothing to fill his hours, his days, but you.

You will become his entire sole source of interest, activity, attention. It will be even more 'aren't I enough for you? Why do you need friends? I'm here. Why do you need to go out? I'm here. Why do you need people coming round? I'm here.'

Some people have such a sense that they are the main character that everyone else is an extra, a supporting artiste.

Dig your heels in and keep your friends and your interests busy and vibrant. Fill your time. Go out, set the example of having A Life. Stay clear and assertive that yes you do need friends and company.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2025 18:07

I think you should have chosen a date mutually convenient rather than you just saying that's what's happening. But he does sound a bit of a misery.

Pherian · 20/07/2025 10:37

woolshop · 19/07/2025 15:09

Hi all. I’m wanting to know if I’m being unreasonable for being upset that husband Dh has called me rude for having friends over.
First time posting in AIBU so not sure if I’ve done the poll correctly but here goes.
Married 30 yrs to Dh who is a workaholic with no time for friends. I work part time and live away from family so have made an effort to make a group of friends who have known each other for 20 years.
We take turns in hosting drinks on a Friday once a month and that person then chooses a place to eat out the following month so it works out you only host at your house once a year.
Last year when I hosted Dh made a fuss and got cranky saying he thought it was unfair he should have to come home to HIS house with people invading HIS privacy and he just wanted to watch the football in peace.
I replied it’s my house too and I need my friends as he is unavailable much of the time and it’s only once a year ffs.
Our house has 2 separate living areas and I host in the front room and he sits in the living area/ kitchen at the back of the house and is able to to watch the football without having to see us. So I don’t see the problem.
Last week I told him the girls would be coming on Friday night and he said I was rude for thinking it was fair that I ask my friends to be there in his house and spoil his Friday night.
I told him it was rude for saying I couldn’t have friends over to my house once a year and to get over it. I added that I wouldn’t care if he had friends over as I would just say hi, leave them to it and go to a different part of the house. He replied he would never do that to me as it’s inconsiderate and rude.
I find this attitude very controlling and baffling to be honest.
I understand he is exhausted from working 12 hour days as he is in his 60s but it’s his choice as we could retire tomorrow but he wants to work until he is 70.
He is becoming more and more unsociable and thinks I am all he needs for company despite me telling him he is not enough for me and I need my friends.
At times over our marriage I have thought of leaving due to loneliness and feeling his priority is always work but have reasoned that on the whole he has been a considerate, loving husband and father and wonderful provider. This allowed me to be a sahm when the DC were young and work part time in a job I love now the DC are adults and have left home. I appreciate I have time for my hobbies but I also run the house which allows him to work endless hours.
Yabu. I should respect Dh need to have his house to himself
Yanbu. I should ignore Dh and continue to have friends over and enjoy my social life.

Maybe suggest separate living arrangements to him.

Alwaysinamood · 20/07/2025 10:50

I do feel a bit bad for you that you’ve had to fit and live your life around his wants, needs and preferences. Going on holiday on your own, socialising with other people not him, is there anything you actually do together? What is the point in this marriage ?

Fireflybaby · 20/07/2025 11:07

What about your family? Do they ever come to stay for a few days every now and again? Or are they not welcome either? He sounds like a grumpy sod. Tell him he can move in the shed if he wants peace and quiet.

ConstitutionHill · 20/07/2025 11:07

The fact that you even have to ask here is telling. You know this is not unreasonable in any way. Stand your ground.

IridiumSky · 20/07/2025 11:12

Bloke here. Sorry about that ladies, but it does mean I can provide a male perspective on the OP’s husband’s behaviour.

After careful consideration of the psychosocial parameters, I conclude that the husband is a dick, and probably a miserable old fart as well.

Tell him some random bloke on the internet said so. That’ll learn him! 😁

NotMissNice · 20/07/2025 11:12

I would not be told I can’t have guests to my own house. Fair enough, check your partner doesn’t have other plans - but just to be told a flat no because the football’s on (which he could watch in another room)? Sod that!

Cherrytree86 · 20/07/2025 11:37

Viviennemary · 19/07/2025 18:07

I think you should have chosen a date mutually convenient rather than you just saying that's what's happening. But he does sound a bit of a misery.

@Viviennemary

she doesn’t have to consult her husband for having friends over.

MumOf4totstoteens · 20/07/2025 11:40

Who is the 1% who said you were unreasonable that’s what I want to know lol

tell him to get a life and go out or book a hotel for the night on his own if he doesn’t like it!

MidlandBlue · 20/07/2025 11:46

I was like this, spoilt family life for DW and DC, I became obsessive over work and a hobby. Finally Dr treated me for depression. I did recover and change.
You won't fix this by yourself it is too ingrained in him. Good Luck

Bettyfromlondon · 20/07/2025 11:47

It looks like your life will be a misery when he retires.

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 11:49

woolshop · 19/07/2025 16:51

Haha thanks I might try that.

Show quote history

Do this, say firmly it’s my house too and I’m thinking of making it weekly with different friends because how dare you tell me that I can’t even have friends over once a year- if I called women’s aid they would say that is a sign of a controlling relationship, because it is. And I personally won’t live like that, so let me know if you want to move out, or get a grip and accept I’m a normal human being who enjoys friends. If you throw this childish tantrum next time, which is one month away, I’ll be asking you to leave. So I might pack you a bag beforehand.

and have people over MORE than once a year. MUCH more. You need to build yourself a happy retirement and it sounds like if you want to stay you have a battle to establish expectations. Fight that battle now while you have energy and before you miss out on your grandchildren. Can you ask them all to stay for a week? Your dh can always go to a hotel- you deserve to be able to host your gc like a normal grandparent.

Lovestotravel79 · 20/07/2025 11:57

Crack on and have fun, once a year is not a deal particularly when you have two living spaces. I do sometimes think people like to complain when they dont understand why someone enjoys something they dont but dont let that stop your enjoyment and keep being you x

Branleuse · 20/07/2025 11:58

Hes just telling you how he feels, It doesnt mean you have to fix anything.
but you know hes unreasonable. Id just ignore it and tell him to get over it. If he thinks its rude, then thats a shame because vast majority of people would see it as completely normal and ok, even if it wasnt their thing.
Leave him to huff and puff about it

redlightgreenlight123 · 20/07/2025 12:01

This sounds like my parents marriage. Dad has isolated himself so much that now mum has dementia and is in a home, he has no one apart from me and my brother who can only do so much. Not healthy and something to think about.

InSpainTheRain · 20/07/2025 12:12

He's being ridiculous - especially as it's once a year! Even if it was weekly it would be unreasonable of him because it's your house too and clearly he doesn't spend lots of quality time with you. He's especially as you are not expecting him to socialise with you and your friends and he has another separate area he can go to in the house.

Is this the only problem? Or is he controlling in other ways? If you are going to stay with him you need to make your own friends and your own life because he sounds grumpy, unsociable in the extreme and controlling.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/07/2025 12:16

TheSandgroper · 19/07/2025 15:23

Have you gamed to yourself what his retirement is going to look like for you? If he can’t handle you having a life one night per annum…

Edited

This.

Toucanfusingforme · 20/07/2025 12:17

From similar experience- stand your ground. Pleasantly but firmly. We’re both retired. I see my friends, he doesn’t have any real close friends of his own. We see joint friends to socialise maybe 4 or 5 times a year. That’s about it for him other than seeing family. He says I am all he needs as a friend (strangely he also had a similar experience of staying away from family while there was a crisis, although he was probably slightly older). I explain I do need other friends and he accepts it. Again, a lovely man a lot of the time, much loved by family.
He has lots of hobbies in the house - he would never join a club or anything. So we do get space from each other and plan some joint outings! It can work.

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 12:26

Life is too short, do you really want to carry on living that way? It's not a life to feel miserable all the time.

He's not BU to want a quiet home
You are not BU to want to have a life

Once a year , with warning, is NOTHING. If that's already too much for him, I'd think about separating. How long do you want to put your life on hold for! Realistically, once he retires, you won't have a free house to host friends ever. If you are not compatible, it's not a failure, it's just time to move on.