To wonder what goes through the minds of people who say whatever they want?

[JadeyLauraPie]

Been for a family breakfast today with DH's family. His grandmother means we'll but days whatever she wants. If you've put on an ounce of weight ( or lost it in fairness ) she will want to discuss it at the table with everyone there...if you've decorated your house and it isn't to her taste, she won't be rude but she will see no harm in saying 'I wouldn't have picked that' when nobody asked & she also wanted to have an in depth discussion about why my poor mum is an anxious flyer, when it has nothing to do with her at all and no affect whatsoever on her life. She is by no means unkind but just so unbelievably tactless with conversations. It used to disappoint me a lot years ago as DH's mum would sit there listening and say nothing to stop her, but time has passed now and I no longer see it as her job really as I know DH's grandmother more and I'm part of the family. It's a weird one, I like seeing her but without fail every time I do I'm often offended by something or find myself being judged or questioned and everyone says its just her personality- she says whatever she wants. Im truly curious as I am very sensetive and completely the other way, if you are someone who is like DH's grandmother and you're quite opinionated, how come? Are you aware of it and do you mean to offend sometimes? How did you get so brave lol?

My DM's phrase for people like this was that they were "straight John Bull". I think this was roughly equivalent to calling a spade a spade.

However, as I recall the people she described like this were usually not only rude but often bigoted and a bit thick.

I would suggest calmly pointing out that what they just said was really quite rude. Ask them if they meant to be so offensive. Perhaps if they were challenged more frequently on their unwanted observations they might stop and think a bit. Or perhaps not.

It's a power thing, I'm able to say what I want because either you are too scared to stop me and I like being this bully or I am so important my opinions matter and everyone must hear them.

People like this are cured by laughing at them in my experience. By laughing and saying I can't believe you've just said that, implying they have been rude/stupid to make that comment. It doesn't stop them completely, but they tend not to do it to you again.

Well there's maintaining a relationship with people who might well think "stuff em, they are rude". There's not hurting someone's feelings over something trivial. There's politeness.

Or do you get off not giving a cuss about any of that

This is where Botox comes in 🤣 if my mouth doesn’t say it then my face will (would 🤣)

Because they asked for an opinion?

maybe rather than hurt feelings people learn that others have different opinions / other perspectives & it’s ok to not agree on everything?

That shock horror not everyone likes the same or thinks the same as you?

Totally understand what you are saying but then why ask someone?

I wouldn’t be interested in what anyone else thought of my DC names, house, car, how I looked etc so I wouldn’t ask?

I genuinely don’t think it’s negative either, if you don’t like a name you don’t like it, nobody’s world is going to implode because of it?

Or there’s being honest with people who you don’t want to lie too / deceive.

I quite like people like this who give an honest, real opinion. Lots of people will lie and tell you that your new decor is lovely, when they are secretly thinking that it looks hideous! I hate this kind of falseness and insincerity about people these days.

But there's a difference between 'yes your husband is shagging your sister ' and ' those cushions look nice '. Being honest all the time is not conducive to social interaction and there have been studies that suggested that being able to tell white lies aided human evolution

I really do understand what you’re saying but I genuinely believe in honesty is the best policy - when asked for an opinion

Fair enough but can I ask (tounge in cheek) do you have any friends?

🤣🤣🤣 yep - some who have been around over 30 years, and plenty of family who still speak to me too.

I am northern, not far from Yorkshire - no idea if relevant but had seen it mentioned!

Thinking about it, only one of my close friends is from down south!

Ach let her be. One day it'll be you chucking it all in the fuck it bucket and having a moan whenever you feel like it. She's earned it, I don't doubt.

Don’t be offended- it’s her personality and has nothing to do with you. She’s refreshingly free of social conventions. Learn to see the funny side

she also told me that she has to say what she thinks else it’s not good for her mental health.

If she is that dependent on other random people going through unpleasantness for her own mental health, that's a serious problem.

Could she not just have a minute/hour/whatever of hate on her own, at home, whenever her MH dictates? Just because she feels the need to say nasty things, that doesn't mean that other people should be forced to hear her saying them.

Plenty of people don't wait to be asked for their opinions before giving them anyway; but fair enough, that isn't you.

But you can still be honest and kind. I don't know how you personally define 'honesty', but if somebody asks if you like their planned baby name, and you don't, there is a range of responses that you can give, ranging from "It's not one of my personal favourites" through "Sorry, it isn't a name that I really like" to "It's a truly terrible name" - with maybe a spoken/unspoken implication that they are objectively stupid for choosing it.

Plus, although you could say that they shouldn't do so if they don't want an honest reply, a lot of people will ask 'socially' for opinions when they are just seeking a bit of solidarity and/or empathy. You see it on here all the time with AIBU - where the OP gets really upset when they ask a straightforward question and people don't affirm their own thinking.

Quite honestly, it's a show of power or exerting dominance.

I'm in my mid 70s and have found that my filter seems very thin these days whereas before I usually thought twice before speaking up. I'm not rude as in personal comments (thank heavens), but I do find myself sharing stuff with family about family which I regret later. I seem to open my mouth and the words just come out. I'm also quite good bad at voicing political opinions which I never used to do. I don't think it's to cause an affect (though, on reflection, my mum used to enjoy rattling cages when she was older), I just think I've become more outspoken/less shy/more confident in my thoughts now I'm older. I often end up wishing I'd been Mrs Zippy though 😔

I think there are several reasons people can be this way. As PP pointed out it can be cultural (I come from a culture where it’s “normal” for your weight to be discussed publicly and frankly). Some people with autism can be very direct - like my DSis- they don’t mean harm it’s just the way their brains are wired. But, many of the people I’ve encountered like this just lack empathy - it’s impossible for them to imagine how their words will affect someone so they just crack on. They are essentially too lazy to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Then there are a few who I think are genuinely malicious and say awful things on purpose precisely because they know it will embarrass or hurt the person, and they seem to take genuine delight in other’s misery.

More importantly any family that don't speak to you!?

Only my SIL but that’s a whole different story

I'm another one who speaks her mind.
Northerner, brought up surrounded by sharp wit, black humour and sarcasm, the northern way!
You learnt pretty quickly to not be sensitive, im older now and see how things are changing and try hard to zip it , sometimes successfully sometimes not.
It's inbred in me.

For a lot of people, 'learning not to be sensitive' often translates to 'learning to mask your upset - so that you don't get even more hurt when cruel people mock you for it'.

I wonder if, as they get older, people have to up the stakes in order to be heard as you become increasingly invisible. In some ways I admire the rudeness and laugh it off because I think it’s just being said by some old…(ageist I know). Most people take no notice.

Well you don’t have to wonder what goes through her mind , because it’s all out there in the open, no filter for everyone to see and hear (even when they don’t want to).