To wonder what goes through the minds of people who say whatever they want?

[JadeyLauraPie]

Been for a family breakfast today with DH's family. His grandmother means we'll but days whatever she wants. If you've put on an ounce of weight ( or lost it in fairness ) she will want to discuss it at the table with everyone there...if you've decorated your house and it isn't to her taste, she won't be rude but she will see no harm in saying 'I wouldn't have picked that' when nobody asked & she also wanted to have an in depth discussion about why my poor mum is an anxious flyer, when it has nothing to do with her at all and no affect whatsoever on her life. She is by no means unkind but just so unbelievably tactless with conversations. It used to disappoint me a lot years ago as DH's mum would sit there listening and say nothing to stop her, but time has passed now and I no longer see it as her job really as I know DH's grandmother more and I'm part of the family. It's a weird one, I like seeing her but without fail every time I do I'm often offended by something or find myself being judged or questioned and everyone says its just her personality- she says whatever she wants. Im truly curious as I am very sensetive and completely the other way, if you are someone who is like DH's grandmother and you're quite opinionated, how come? Are you aware of it and do you mean to offend sometimes? How did you get so brave lol?

Why, though? Just because you 'prize honesty' above all else; or maybe because you just like 'being right'?

Nobody is saying that you have to gush over how beautiful the name is, but there are tactful ways of dealing with it e.g. "Well, it's a very memorable name, so people won't forget it!"

It’s not about being wrong or right, it has zero impact on my life if I like a name or not, but if I’m asked if I like something I see nothing wrong with saying no?

I don’t see what’s to be gained by lying about it

You’d gain/maintain a non-tarnished relationship and reputation. Just be nice. People have feelings. You should be able to get your opinion across without being mean, that’s key. If you can then cool, do it. Theres beauty in tact and nuance.

You can be all of that but not friendly in a day-to-day interaction kind of way.

Can you take a step back from her?

I rarely see my MIL now, she can't visit us as her mobility is poor and we only have an upstairs bathroom (thankfully).

In the past she always commented on my weight, whether I'd put on weight or not.
When my husband wore anything new she would say to me "I suppose you picked that". I'd reply " yes and doesn't he look great "
The final straw was after a long stay in hospital, I changed my working hours (,self employed) so I could call in her most days to leave meals, clean house even help with toileting needs.
One day we were "chatting" over tea and biscuits and she said "Do you know I never understood what you say"
She's Irish and I'm from England but I don't have a particularly strong accent

So I stopped visiting, left her own family to deal with her. She often leaves her daughter in tears.

Thinking of you xx

This. Urgh, I HATE the 'I tell it like it is' brigade. They are the worst. No. You are just fucking rude. And why do these people think that anyone wants their opinions? As you said @JadeyLauraPie no-one ever asks for them!

About 20 years ago, my DH reconnected with a cousin - 15 years older than him - (who he hadn't seen since childhood in the early 1980s.) She was super fucking rude, (we were late 30s, and she was late 50s.) She slagged off our 'tiny house' and our 'old' car (10 years old!) and always had something to say about my weight, and our DCs weight too.

I was about 3 stone overweight, and my DC had 'puppy fat' but weren't huge. (This was when they were 10-11 y.o.) She had to say something every time we saw her, and me and the DC dreaded seeing her. So much so that after a couple of years, I told DH that I am never seeing her again, and our DC said the same. Luckily DH wasn't crazy about her either, and when we moved house, 6 months later, he didn't tell her, and blocked her on everything...

There's nothing noble, or clever, or 'big' about being rude, and insulting people. No-one gives a shit about your opinions, so keep them to yourself.

Oh, also, a woman I used to work with in the 1990s - who was only in her mid 30s - was an absolute cunt. So spiteful and mean, slagging off anyone who was affectionate with their DH, and laughing at women who had Valentines cards, and flowers etc.

She mocked a new employee who had been given a little Me To You teddy for her 21st by her boyfriend. 'What are you, 5?!' she said mockingly! She said it really loudly and laughed out loud so everyone could hear. Upshot is she was very jealous as no man would look at her, because she looked like Olive from On The Buses. And she didn't even have the personality to compensate for it. Last I heard she was 55 and still single. Shocker.

You think family would not help an old person because they're a bit blunt?

I'd say given those stats its more friendly than insular societies

Family members are less keen to help out these outspoken older people, in my experience

Wonder how these type of people take it when people are 'honest' about them, their weight, their home decor choices etc

In the case of my mum, she doesn't mind.

These are not people given to self reflection, your best bet is to develop techniques to shut them down. That's probably the only way that you will see any change- a basic reinforcement system much that the same as you would use to train a pet, intellectually they are probably on the same sort of level as a pet, this probably explains why dog people have a strong affinity for dogs.

My sister is like this - it's horrible. In her case, I think it's because she doesn't really give a shit what people think of her and has a genuine belief that her opinions are always correct and therefore worth sharing.

It's exhausting though and it makes me avoid spending time with her.

My (Northern) MiL can be like this. I used to find it really rude, but since relocating I've got used to the more frank way of talking and actually find it a lot easier to get on with.

If we're going to MiL's house, I can ask if she wants me to bring stuff for my fussy kids, and I know she's going to be honest about the fact it will make her life easier. She'll also openly say when she's had enough of the kids if she's visiting us and will go to her room for a reset.

With supposedly politer DM, she'll tell me not to bother bringing stuff for the kids and then I'll find out she's been complaining about it to my Dad. So I have to do the fun dance of offering, her saying no, me insisting and then bringing stuff, then her complaining about the fact I brought stuff.

I would try 'does everyone here really wish to discuss this round the table again?' next time.

Interesting to read about how cognitive changes in older age make this more common. I think I just assumed that people with less time left felt it wasn't worth beating around the bush!

But what is to be gained by telling them you don't like it?

why does anything need to be gained?

It’s not mean?

yes people have feelings, doesn’t mean that you have to be overly nice & pander to everyone in case you say something that someone doesn’t like?

better to be honest with people.

Because there is a negative - you will hurt their feelings. If there is no upside, why do that?

I agree with this if it's asked for but she's just bloomin rude lol. It's never asked for... the worst is when she's unwrapping christmas presents lmao 🤣

Frankly, I would think it was squarely on her personality - and she has probably decided to blame it on her looks, which she can't change, rather than her nastiness.

Yes, of course, being beautiful is always going to be a big attraction to many people; but there are plenty of less shallow people out there who will value personality, kindness, intelligence, a sense of fun, inner beauty, and will naturally be very attracted to such a lovely person.

But as you say, if you have a nasty soul and don't even look cosmetically attractive, you are highly likely to remain on the shelf against your will. To be honest, people would probably really deeply wound her if they turned on her and gave her some home truths about why she can't get a partner... but if they aren't nasty like she is, they probably would be above such things.

Most people tend to value being happy and not making other people unhappy for the sake of it.

Do you really think that life is nicer in general when you focus on negative things and tell them to people? Not important things and personal failings that they urgently need to address, but just that you don't like their baby name, think they have an unflattering haircut, notice that their car is old and battered or you want to tell them that they are overweight?

Yes, there are plenty of serious unpleasant truths out there that can't and shouldn't be side-stepped; but I just cannot see how it would make you feel better about yourself or improve your own life by telling others unimportant negative things that don't actually matter, but which you know will upset them and put a shadow over their day?

It's a very old adage, but there's a lot of truth in 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything'.

I don’t know to be honest but they drive people away with their nastiness and lack of empathy.

I met an elderly friend (female) of DH’s actually when we first started dating and she was brusque and actually pretty unpleasant and opinionated. She demanded to meet me and on our first meeting told me that she’s a strong woman with strong opinions etc she also told me that she has to say what she thinks else it’s not good for her mental health. Ummm 🤔 we don’t see her now as we moved away and contact has dropped.

The opinions aren't the problem the broadcasting is. If someone asks my opinion I always aim for kind tactful honesty. And if I have opinions that aren't asked about, I keep my mouth shut.

People who give their negative opinions without a request are at best entitled and thinking nothing. And worst manipulative and mean