To wonder what goes through the minds of people who say whatever they want?

[JadeyLauraPie]

Been for a family breakfast today with DH's family. His grandmother means we'll but days whatever she wants. If you've put on an ounce of weight ( or lost it in fairness ) she will want to discuss it at the table with everyone there...if you've decorated your house and it isn't to her taste, she won't be rude but she will see no harm in saying 'I wouldn't have picked that' when nobody asked & she also wanted to have an in depth discussion about why my poor mum is an anxious flyer, when it has nothing to do with her at all and no affect whatsoever on her life. She is by no means unkind but just so unbelievably tactless with conversations. It used to disappoint me a lot years ago as DH's mum would sit there listening and say nothing to stop her, but time has passed now and I no longer see it as her job really as I know DH's grandmother more and I'm part of the family. It's a weird one, I like seeing her but without fail every time I do I'm often offended by something or find myself being judged or questioned and everyone says its just her personality- she says whatever she wants. Im truly curious as I am very sensetive and completely the other way, if you are someone who is like DH's grandmother and you're quite opinionated, how come? Are you aware of it and do you mean to offend sometimes? How did you get so brave lol?

It’s not brave, it’s rude. Not very much goes through their mind, is probably the answer.

Nothing, I assume.

I don't think much goes through their mind. Tbh." Calling a spade a spade " people tend to be thoughtless and unkind.

You mean Asian people? 😄
My gran would have said all that and my mum some of it.
Washes off me really.

It sounds as though everything that goes through her mind comes out of her mouth, with no consideration to the feelings of people listening.

Some people value their opinion above other people’s feelings, and value truth above sensitivity.

But even in the latter case, there is no need to say those truths out loud.

They call it speaking their mind. Everyone else calls it being rude.

There was a poll done a few years back as to which areas of England were considered the rudest. First, unsurprisingly, was London (as a Londoner I would agree, for a number of reasons). Second was Yorkshire.

I think people like grandma think rudeness and assertiveness is the same thing.

Some people are just like this - and that isn't any kind of justification why they should be. I guess it could be classed as some kind of personality disorder.

They probably struggle to get very far in life, as having an internal monologue is an extremely useful common everyday skill.

By all means speak out if you see horrible or unjust events taking place; but what and whom does it actually help in any way making your feelings public if you see somebody wearing a coat that you personally hate and would never have chosen for yourself?

I know it's a very old cliche, but the point about the fact that you have two ears but only one mouth is a truly good one.

No filter. Rude.

She is by no means unkind

you see I think these people are unkind.

it is unkind to be thoughtless and tactless

“I tell it how it is”

”I speak my mind”

ie you’re a bitch

Could it be just getting older and no longer giving a fuck? I find older people and children tend to be the worst for this (looks at son who asked when I am getting back to the gym)

Grannie used to do that in her later years, it's a bit of a family trait, and she hated it when other people did it and would fix them with a glare and say, "your opinion wasn't asked." Which is remarkably effective in shutting that type of thing down. I say it myself, it works.

She no doubt thinks truth is a higher virtue than tact. The only way is to meet her where she is "I wouldn't have chosen that colour" is met with a cheery grin and a "That's OK Gran, it's not your house so we didn't ask you." "You've put on weight" "That's not a very polite thing to say" etc.

My SIL is just like this. She's the only family DH has left so I let it wash over me, but she is so tactless. On hearing the news that I had breast cancer, she told me "people die from that, you know".

Good grief!

I suppose the only thing to be said for saying everything that passes through your mind is that it's marginally less annoying than people who never say straight out what they mean and expect others to work it out. Both very hard work, though!

Your SIL sounds utterly thick more than tactless

My Mum and MIL are both a bit like this. I’ve never challenged MIL on it, but my Mum says she shouldn’t need to mind herself around her own children given we know she loves us more than anything. She does indeed value truth more highly than tact when it comes to her DC. But, interestingly, she’s gone the other way recently. I think seeing her DC with spouses and their families and having GDC has made her feel she does indeed need to be tactful around everyone. I kind of miss it!

I think my MIL’s reasoning will probably be the same, as she’s the same with all of her DC. However it doesn’t land the same with your DCs’ spouses. She doesn’t have that level of familiarity with us, and besides we have parents of our own. So with her it just comes across as rude and crass, and actually quite unintelligent.

I guess it depends really. What’s she like if people are equally blunt to her in return?

I don’t really see it as rude if it’s not intentional. We all have different communication styles and we all draw the line in different places. If someone isn’t meaning to hurt feelings or be unkind then I think that’s what matters.

If she’s ok with others being direct with her, then I’d let it wash over me. But if she’s prickly when others adopt the same communication style with her, then that’s not ok.

We are all blunt with each other in our family. Not with spouses or friends or anyone outside the circle.
I am blunt with my mum too and I have many opinions about her interior decoration or lack of it.

Is she of the age where she's losing her marbles a bit and doing it innocently? Lots of people get to that stage eventually.

If she's doing it under the guise of being a 'straight talker' though, that's tactless and you're free to tell her that nobody asked for, or gives a fuck about, her opinion. She'll surely appreciate a fellow straight talker 😅

It's rude & offensive
People who do this get away with it because noone ever tells them it's rude / inappropriate / offensive /upsetting.

And because everyone around them is scared of saying something and let's them get away with it.

Sometimes it’s cultural. I remember exMIL (who is nice), her sister and SIL’s MIL walking around SIL’s new house examining, touching and commenting on everything. Not all the comments were compliments! It didn’t seem to cross SIL’s mind that she should be unhappy about this.

One of my grandmothers was a bit like this in her 90s. Not unkind, but very frank. I think they do genuinely lose some inhibitions in old age and I think it's one of the privileges of being old.

Yes, I agree. She reminds of that dopey character in Notting Hill who thought it helpful to say "Ooh, you're in a wheelchair!" - as though the woman who used a wheelchair somehow hadn't noticed!