Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad at his speed?

90 replies

Thegiftoftime · 18/07/2025 18:22

So DH like his cars. We are middle aged and have responsibilities including one teenager dd still at home and both have professional jobs where we need to be able to commute and could not wfh.
He drives classic sports cars a lot and yes he is very good at driving, however driving his normal everyday car he often breaks the speed limit.
I have repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly asked him nicely, not so nicely and eventually shouted and told him to pull over because I don’t feel comfortable on the long drives we have to do with him driving fast. This has happened dozens of times. I admit I’m not confident on a motorway but we have agreed a compromise that he doesn’t go over 70 as it’s the national speed limit and there for a reason. It’s not just about him it’s other lives on the road.
He now has 9 points on his license. I have again approached him with my concern about this but he nods and says he understands and will watch his speed but he doesn’t. I’ve said that I don’t feel he has learnt from the speed awareness courses or the fine he can well afford. I feel like he thinks is he’s above the law and that really concerns me. He just politely dismisses me.
That and the fact that it’s the only thing I have raised my voice over repeatedly and I’m his wife and he continues to push it and ignore my ask.
Hes just taken my daughter somewhere and the very last thing I said on the drive was “ please drive under 70 and stay safe you have xxx in the car”
DD is autistic and doesnt like cars at the best of times but she has just sent me a screen shot of the speedometer at 78
Im so angry with him.
He slowed down now and they have arrived but AIBU to be fuming?
I am so upset that he has completely ignored me and basically lied also. Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested. Thanks MN

OP posts:
Dangermoo · 18/07/2025 18:25

He's an irresponsible prick. End of.

Mumblechum0 · 18/07/2025 18:27

Well 9 points on his licence is only going to go one way when he gets caught next time. You’d think he’d have enough sense to stick to the limit to avoid the hassle of a ban.

having said that, I don’t think 78 on a motorway is that big a deal if there’s little traffic, good weather AND you have a clean license

Darragon · 18/07/2025 18:28

Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested.
No it's just a bunch of idiots. When people are going at the same speed as you then you won't see as many of them because by definition you'll keep the same distance between you but I believe the majority of road users drive at or below 70 on dual carriageways and motorways.
YANBU to expect your DH to drive safely when you've asked him so many times. What's wrong with him? Why can't he just follow the law like everyone else?
(And yes I'm annoyed because he sounds like one of the many twits on the road who tootle down it at stupid speeds and make it dangerous when those of us going at the correct speed pull out to overtake and two seconds later someone's trying to drive over us from behind). Please at least tell me he doesn't tailgate other drivers when they're overtaking.

frozendaisy · 18/07/2025 18:29

He’ll lise his licence soon and the insurance when he gets it back will be high
Perhaps that’s the only way he will learn

I would fucking hit the roof if H had. 9 pints on his licence - just more money for what?

ZoggyStirdust · 18/07/2025 18:30

9’points is bad and you’re right to be pissed off about that.

however 78 on the speedo on a motorway is probably really not much over 70 (speedos always over read and can be up to 10%) and honestly is just keeping up with traffic and not necessarily dangerous.

pick your arguments. 9 points is one, 78 probably isnt

ginasevern · 18/07/2025 18:33

Is this on all roads as well as the motorway? Does he break the speed limit in residential areas etc too?

BreadInCaptivity · 18/07/2025 18:35

The speed limit is a figure set many years ago when car technology was very different.

My personal POV is that I follow the limit religiously in low speed areas (20/30/40 mph zones) as they are generally there in built up areas/schools/specific road hazards.

On the motorway not so much. But that’s condition specific - I’d go slower in poor weather or very heavy traffic.

Yes I risk points but that’s on me. A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

That said if that’s upsetting your passenger(s) whilst not unsafe doesn’t mean you’re not being a bit of a dick.

Minecroft · 18/07/2025 18:38

Refuse to get in the car with him or let your child in the car with him. When he loses
his licence, refuse to give him lifts.

StrawberrySquash · 18/07/2025 18:44

frozendaisy · 18/07/2025 18:29

He’ll lise his licence soon and the insurance when he gets it back will be high
Perhaps that’s the only way he will learn

I would fucking hit the roof if H had. 9 pints on his licence - just more money for what?

9 pints is a particularly unfortunate typo here!

But OP, yes I'd be mad about the 9 points and expecting my partner to be super careful. Clearly there's an issue if he has 9 pints and he has to accept that. The 78 alone wouldn't be a deal breaker, but in the wider context of his speeding I'd be unimpressed. Although it's probably not the specific battle I'd pick.

Moveoverdarlin · 18/07/2025 18:50

If he’s on 9 points now and continues to drive over the speed limit, he’ll be banned in no time. Saying that, doing 78 on a motorway is absolutely nothing to get your knickers in a twist about.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 18/07/2025 18:51

So he doesn't take dd again. And you never get in the car with him either.

Aligirlbear · 18/07/2025 18:54

9 points on his licence is the issue you need to be concerned about, as indeed does he as the next speeding fine will result in the loss of his licence. Doing 78 on the motorway less so and wouldn’t be the issue I would get mad at him for.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/07/2025 19:00

I think the more you push him the more obstinate he will/has become. He’s a grown up and will have to figure something out if he loses his license.

To that end you and your DD need to learn the valuable lesson about having agency over who you get in a car with. I don’t love the dynamic of her texting you the speed

DurinsBane · 18/07/2025 19:04

Darragon · 18/07/2025 18:28

Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested.
No it's just a bunch of idiots. When people are going at the same speed as you then you won't see as many of them because by definition you'll keep the same distance between you but I believe the majority of road users drive at or below 70 on dual carriageways and motorways.
YANBU to expect your DH to drive safely when you've asked him so many times. What's wrong with him? Why can't he just follow the law like everyone else?
(And yes I'm annoyed because he sounds like one of the many twits on the road who tootle down it at stupid speeds and make it dangerous when those of us going at the correct speed pull out to overtake and two seconds later someone's trying to drive over us from behind). Please at least tell me he doesn't tailgate other drivers when they're overtaking.

I would say the majority go over 70. If I’m doing 70 I reckon more than half of the other cars are over taking me

Fizbosshoes · 18/07/2025 19:09

I'd say 78 mph if it was on a motorway in good weather, would necessarily be a deal breaker, but I think in the context of having 9 points on the licence already I'd expect more attention to sticking to speed limits.
Fwiw I don't mean it's OK to speed if you didn't have points, but I think a lot of people do, go at 70-80mph on a motorway

TheRussiansAreComing · 18/07/2025 19:11

He did 78mph and you’ve got the hump. So would you be ok if he drove in Germany on a derestricted section of the Autobahn at 140mph. Because that would be entirely legal.

our speed limits are the lowest in Europe. 78mph is nothing. Chances are it was 74mph due to the speedometer being uncalibrated.

2thumbs · 18/07/2025 19:17

How will your lives be affected once he receives a 6 month ban? I’d use that argument to get through to him

Pherian · 19/07/2025 21:15

Thegiftoftime · 18/07/2025 18:22

So DH like his cars. We are middle aged and have responsibilities including one teenager dd still at home and both have professional jobs where we need to be able to commute and could not wfh.
He drives classic sports cars a lot and yes he is very good at driving, however driving his normal everyday car he often breaks the speed limit.
I have repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly asked him nicely, not so nicely and eventually shouted and told him to pull over because I don’t feel comfortable on the long drives we have to do with him driving fast. This has happened dozens of times. I admit I’m not confident on a motorway but we have agreed a compromise that he doesn’t go over 70 as it’s the national speed limit and there for a reason. It’s not just about him it’s other lives on the road.
He now has 9 points on his license. I have again approached him with my concern about this but he nods and says he understands and will watch his speed but he doesn’t. I’ve said that I don’t feel he has learnt from the speed awareness courses or the fine he can well afford. I feel like he thinks is he’s above the law and that really concerns me. He just politely dismisses me.
That and the fact that it’s the only thing I have raised my voice over repeatedly and I’m his wife and he continues to push it and ignore my ask.
Hes just taken my daughter somewhere and the very last thing I said on the drive was “ please drive under 70 and stay safe you have xxx in the car”
DD is autistic and doesnt like cars at the best of times but she has just sent me a screen shot of the speedometer at 78
Im so angry with him.
He slowed down now and they have arrived but AIBU to be fuming?
I am so upset that he has completely ignored me and basically lied also. Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested. Thanks MN

They can take away your license now at 6 points and require you to appear in court to argue why you should keep it.

Hopefully he gets another ticket and loses his license.

I wouldn’t let the kids in the car with him and I’d stop riding in the car with him as well.

marmite2025 · 19/07/2025 21:16

I think I would be having a conversation with a plan for when he loses his license TBH. Because if he carries on it’s when not if really

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 19/07/2025 21:52

BreadInCaptivity · 18/07/2025 18:35

The speed limit is a figure set many years ago when car technology was very different.

My personal POV is that I follow the limit religiously in low speed areas (20/30/40 mph zones) as they are generally there in built up areas/schools/specific road hazards.

On the motorway not so much. But that’s condition specific - I’d go slower in poor weather or very heavy traffic.

Yes I risk points but that’s on me. A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

That said if that’s upsetting your passenger(s) whilst not unsafe doesn’t mean you’re not being a bit of a dick.

This is spot on. 78 really isn’t an issue. Mumsnet will tell you that someone should face the death penaltY but in real life even the police don’t care. I’ve driven past two speed vans at 78 (saw them after they would have seen me) and I didn’t even get a letter sent to me. I set my cruise control to 73 on the motorway with speed cameras and 75 where there aren’t. I’ve no doubt I’d be fine at 75 where the speed cameras are too.

9 points is the issue. That shows someone who for some reason can’t follow the rules of the road consistently. I drive 200 miles a day for work and see many a speed van but most see them rarely so how has he been caught three times? I once had 6 points with 3 years in between. At 6 points, I did everything by the book because I didn’t want any risk. Why isn’t he doing that?!

Whatshesaid96 · 19/07/2025 21:59

I got done driving at 78 on the motorway and took the speed awareness course.

Do I still drive at 78? Nah. Why? One bit of that course stayed with me. When you have an accident it's not just you that has to deal with the incident long term. There are others like recovery vehicles, emergency workers, the other vehicle, hospital workers, the family of the car you hit, your family when you go to prison and so on. That decision of yours to drive fast meaning you lost control in the wet affects so many people.

Also I know if a kid was to run out across the road in a 30 and I hit him and kill him at under 30 I go to prison. I can go to prison and serve my time knowing that there was nothing else I could do and was driving to the law. I am lucky to drive a car with a speed limiter so I can set that to the limit. Once you get to that speed you can't depress the accelerator any harder unless you manually switch it off or flick it up and down as the speed limit changes.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/07/2025 22:02

I've only read your post so apologies if this is duplicating. What are the consequences to your DH AND the family if he loses his licence? ie he may be able to get to work by public transport, but DC cannot get to clubs etc. Or get to se your or his family? If you drive, would he (ie the dickhead) be expecting you to pick up all driving responsibilities?

myplace · 19/07/2025 22:06

It’s all very well saying car technology has moved on since limits were set, @BreadInCaptivity , but the roads are far more crowded now.

Very few people are careful about braking distance. And the people with the new cars may be safer, but the clapped out Fiesta that’s caught up in it is not.

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:09

You can't allow you or your kids to be driven by him OP..let him carry on and get his ban. Then he's got a bit of time to mull over things.

I can't think of anything else other than make sure his life insurance is active.

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:12

Seems a few on Mumsnet believe they're above the law as usual.

I'd like to see the conversation with a bizzie about the speed limits in Germany if they're pulled over like.