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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be mad at his speed?

90 replies

Thegiftoftime · 18/07/2025 18:22

So DH like his cars. We are middle aged and have responsibilities including one teenager dd still at home and both have professional jobs where we need to be able to commute and could not wfh.
He drives classic sports cars a lot and yes he is very good at driving, however driving his normal everyday car he often breaks the speed limit.
I have repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly asked him nicely, not so nicely and eventually shouted and told him to pull over because I don’t feel comfortable on the long drives we have to do with him driving fast. This has happened dozens of times. I admit I’m not confident on a motorway but we have agreed a compromise that he doesn’t go over 70 as it’s the national speed limit and there for a reason. It’s not just about him it’s other lives on the road.
He now has 9 points on his license. I have again approached him with my concern about this but he nods and says he understands and will watch his speed but he doesn’t. I’ve said that I don’t feel he has learnt from the speed awareness courses or the fine he can well afford. I feel like he thinks is he’s above the law and that really concerns me. He just politely dismisses me.
That and the fact that it’s the only thing I have raised my voice over repeatedly and I’m his wife and he continues to push it and ignore my ask.
Hes just taken my daughter somewhere and the very last thing I said on the drive was “ please drive under 70 and stay safe you have xxx in the car”
DD is autistic and doesnt like cars at the best of times but she has just sent me a screen shot of the speedometer at 78
Im so angry with him.
He slowed down now and they have arrived but AIBU to be fuming?
I am so upset that he has completely ignored me and basically lied also. Does everyone really drive at 80 because lots of cars do pass us on the motorway when we are at 70 and perhaps I’m being unreasonable I’d be interested. Thanks MN

OP posts:
CatCollector · 20/07/2025 08:39

marmite2025 · 19/07/2025 21:16

I think I would be having a conversation with a plan for when he loses his license TBH. Because if he carries on it’s when not if really

I wouldn't
I would just let it happen
Zero lifts or fuss

His problem

saraclara · 20/07/2025 08:54

CatCollector · 20/07/2025 08:39

I wouldn't
I would just let it happen
Zero lifts or fuss

His problem

They're is no way that a ban would not affect OP. Whether it's her needing to do all the ferrying of her DC, all the holiday driving, all the non walkable/public transport-able errand running, or their joint money paying vast amounts for taxis etc etc etc. Not to mention putting up with his whining.

So it's in her interest to spell out that he's risking his license.

DiscoBeat · 20/07/2025 09:43

I wouldn't be so much annoyed at 78 (assuming he's bd going over 90 if he had his way) but at the points. When he loses his licence you'll have to do ALL the running around for your child.

AtBeaverGoat · 20/07/2025 09:54

9 points is very close loosing license under totting up
at 70 you are probably one of the slowest cars on a motorway ( not a bad thing)

the answer is that you drive more and go at the speeds you want to

Internaut · 20/07/2025 10:21

at 70 you are probably one of the slowest cars on a motorway ( not a bad thing)

I doubt that that is the case. I drive at maximum 70 because that is where I am comfortable, and generally that means I sit happily in the left hand lane with loads of other drivers. Sure, there are others passing me, but I don't think they're in the majority.

MrsB74 · 20/07/2025 10:22

BreadInCaptivity · 18/07/2025 18:35

The speed limit is a figure set many years ago when car technology was very different.

My personal POV is that I follow the limit religiously in low speed areas (20/30/40 mph zones) as they are generally there in built up areas/schools/specific road hazards.

On the motorway not so much. But that’s condition specific - I’d go slower in poor weather or very heavy traffic.

Yes I risk points but that’s on me. A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

That said if that’s upsetting your passenger(s) whilst not unsafe doesn’t mean you’re not being a bit of a dick.

I agree that 78 on a motorway isn’t that bad, like the PP said there is a 10% variance. If he’s doing that speed on a country road (60 limit), I’d be very concerned though as that is where most accidents happen.

The lower speed limits (30 especially) are the really important ones to stick to in my opinion.

He’s crazy to risk his license though, you’d think that alone would make him slow down.

TranceNation · 20/07/2025 10:24

I personally think speeding is selfish. It's not just you on the road and you are not as skilled as Lewis Hamilton at speed as you perhaps think you are. Just leave 5 mins early if you want to get somewhere on time. Not learning your lesson after 9 points is just daft and more than likely they will end up loosing their licence.

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:36

Mumblechum0 · 18/07/2025 18:27

Well 9 points on his licence is only going to go one way when he gets caught next time. You’d think he’d have enough sense to stick to the limit to avoid the hassle of a ban.

having said that, I don’t think 78 on a motorway is that big a deal if there’s little traffic, good weather AND you have a clean license

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Have you ever experienced the devastation of loosing a loved one to a road accident?

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:41

DurinsBane · 18/07/2025 19:04

I would say the majority go over 70. If I’m doing 70 I reckon more than half of the other cars are over taking me

I rarely do over 70 (only if I’m passing a lorry and don’t want to get stuck in their blind spot), only get passed really by the idiots doing 90 or by someone doing 1mph faster than me.

Everyone else does not do it. You just don’t notice those that don’t speed because they don’t go past you 🤦‍♀️

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 12:42

DurinsBane · 18/07/2025 19:04

I would say the majority go over 70. If I’m doing 70 I reckon more than half of the other cars are over taking me

I agree that the majority goes well over 70, and most of the rest well below. It's very very rarely a fluid flow of traffic going at similar speed.

I don't mind overtaking, as long as people don't hog the middle lane, and don't drive dangerously slowly, who cares.

78 on the motorway is not insanely dangerous if you have a decent car though.

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 12:43

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:41

I rarely do over 70 (only if I’m passing a lorry and don’t want to get stuck in their blind spot), only get passed really by the idiots doing 90 or by someone doing 1mph faster than me.

Everyone else does not do it. You just don’t notice those that don’t speed because they don’t go past you 🤦‍♀️

I notice them because I have to overtake them! I don't want to do 50 on the motorway either.

Again, most people seem to go too fast or too slow, at least stay in your lane 😂

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:45

Boredlass · 20/07/2025 08:29

I drive at 80 on the motorway. Modern cars can more than handle it. The limit should be raised imo

The cars might handle it, humans not so much. It isn’t the speed that kills, it is the sudden stop.

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:47

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 12:43

I notice them because I have to overtake them! I don't want to do 50 on the motorway either.

Again, most people seem to go too fast or too slow, at least stay in your lane 😂

If someone is going the same speed as you you will neither overtake them or they overtake you. Give your head a wobble.

JohnofWessex · 20/07/2025 12:48

The issue with my ex wife was her behaviour in the car - back seat driving and shouting at me.

I suggest to the OP that you do what I should have done and refused to travel with her in the car

Shade17 · 20/07/2025 12:49

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:45

The cars might handle it, humans not so much. It isn’t the speed that kills, it is the sudden stop.

Edited

Even 80 is below the French speed limit, there’s nothing inherently dangerous about it.

DaisyChain505 · 20/07/2025 12:51

It doesn’t matter if he likes sports car. He could be driving a Micra or Lamborghini, neither car will make him invincible or immune to an accident.

Tell him to stop acting like he’s fucking Batman in the Bat mobile and act like a sensible grown adult.

amylou8 · 20/07/2025 12:57

78 on the motorway is no big deal, and if the speedo says 78 he's probably only doing 74/75 which, with the 10%+2 rule almost always applied to speeding offences, wouldn't be a ticket.
But 9 points is a problem, and shows a pattern of behaviour worse than 70 something on the motorway.
I'm guessing you don't drive? If you do then take the car keys off this idiot. If you don't maybe it's time to learn.

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 12:59

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 12:47

If someone is going the same speed as you you will neither overtake them or they overtake you. Give your head a wobble.

quite.. and we'll stay in our line of view, I can tell if it's the same cars driving around in the distance, because you know.. I actually pay attention.

It's rare, because most cars drive too fast or too slow. Surely you are able to tell if you are overtaking or being over-taken? 😂

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 13:01

DaisyChain505 · 20/07/2025 12:51

It doesn’t matter if he likes sports car. He could be driving a Micra or Lamborghini, neither car will make him invincible or immune to an accident.

Tell him to stop acting like he’s fucking Batman in the Bat mobile and act like a sensible grown adult.

Actually it does matter, to a point.

I'd rather be with someone doing 78 on a motorway in a Porsche than in a Micra. Brakes are much better and the car handles a hell of a lot better.

Twelftytwo · 20/07/2025 13:02

BreadInCaptivity · 18/07/2025 18:35

The speed limit is a figure set many years ago when car technology was very different.

My personal POV is that I follow the limit religiously in low speed areas (20/30/40 mph zones) as they are generally there in built up areas/schools/specific road hazards.

On the motorway not so much. But that’s condition specific - I’d go slower in poor weather or very heavy traffic.

Yes I risk points but that’s on me. A competent driver going 80/5mph (even 90 - but I can already see the clutching of pearls) on a motorway in good weather, in a well maintained car and moderate traffic isn’t unsafe.

That said if that’s upsetting your passenger(s) whilst not unsafe doesn’t mean you’re not being a bit of a dick.

But surely the point is that if something happens out of your control, to your car or someone else's eg tyre blowout, the consequences will be much worse at 90mph than 70

Ambroserock · 20/07/2025 13:05

78 MPH on the motorway in good conditions - meh. My concern would be that if he is unobservant enough, of speed cameras, police etc to have racked up nine points, he is not actually a particularly good or safe driver.

beAsensible1 · 20/07/2025 13:06

I do think on the motorway a lot of people toggle between 70-80 and you get a 10% error space for speeding but with DD on the car he should be more careful

the reality is if you don’t like his driving drive yourself. Stop getting in a car with him.

beAsensible1 · 20/07/2025 13:09

There are police out with speed trap cameras everywhere so he’ll be caught soon enough

Atina321 · 20/07/2025 13:09

Shade17 · 20/07/2025 12:49

Even 80 is below the French speed limit, there’s nothing inherently dangerous about it.

Tell that to the people who end up seriously injured and dead. I live next to a motorway, numerous people have been killed in the stretch that passes our village in the last 12 months alone. Speed kills and anyone thinking “it’s ok I’m a good driver” is a fool. A dangerous fool.

randomlemonsheep · 20/07/2025 13:12

beAsensible1 · 20/07/2025 13:09

There are police out with speed trap cameras everywhere so he’ll be caught soon enough

if he already has 9 point, he obviously has 😂

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