Beard

[Mummyof3T]

My husband of 12 years has grown a beard over the last 6 months and I hate it! It doesn’t suit him, it’s prickly, makes him look older than he is and it’s just gross. It puts me off wanting to do anything sexual. The issue is, he loves it! Says it suits him and refuses to get rid! Please help with any suggestions, I have tried everything!!

Can't help, I love a beard

You can't dictate what he does with his body, but you can with your own and if keeping the beard means you won't be inclined to have sex with him then hopefully he'll choose to get rid of it. You might have to quite bluntly spell out the connection between the two things though.

I hate beards but it's his face so you have no right to tell him what to do with it.

However, if you don't want sex with him you have the right to say no to that too.

I’d be upset. I detest facial hair and find it really really unattractive.

Does it really not suit him? I think if someone is handsome a beard usually works well. And sometimes if they're not that handsome or have a weak jaw it's an improvement.

I guess you can just keep saying you're not keen on it. Maybe reiterate it in bed and be prepared to refuse sexual activity. That might get him thinking about getting rid?

Ultimately though it's his choice. Would you change your hair or appearence that you really liked just because he said so?

Personally I'm team beard as well, but ultimately the only body hair you get to dictate on is your own. Just as he doesn't get to dictate anything to do with your body/ hair.

I think you might need to spell out the issue with some sexual activity though, prickly is not great for kissing or other activity. If its affecting your body then I think it's fair enough to explain that.

Suggestions for what? If he chooses a beard he chooses a beard.

The suggestion by a pp to refuse sex in an attempt to control his choices is vile and would not stand in any form on here if the sexes were reversed.

Team beard all the way. It’s very sexy.

YANBU, I find them deeply unappealing and wouldn't go near my DH if he had anything more than a v well-trimmed goatee at most and ideally clean shaven (which he is, thankfully). I like sideys but any hair around the mouth, no thanks. They weren't a thing so much when I was dating (90s to early 2000s) and the massive comeback they've had was unimaginable then, and I've felt sorry for all the girls who've had to put up with beardy guys as it's become the big thing. Obviously some women like them, but many are like us, OP, and find it rank. Course we're not allowed to impose our views cos body fascism, but you know your DP and how your relationship functions and if it's generally healthy then I think it's fine to express preferences/tastes - my DH is in no doubt I love him and that I'd still be attracted to him if any number of unfortunate things happened to his body, but to inflict a beard on me would effectively be to opt for zero snogs. It's a bit like if I wanted plastic boobs - he'd have to 'let me' because it's my body, but I couldn't expect him to find them attractive when I know he'd not into them.

Sure many women will post saying how lush beards are and that's grand. But for me, YANBU. Solidarity!

So the OP should continue to have sex with him no matter how unattractive she finds him with the beard, her consent doesn't count for anything?

How would you feel if he said he would no longer be having sex with you because you'd changed your appearance? Maybe dyed your hair or had it cut short...

You can say his beard his uncomfortable during certain sex acts by withholding sex until he changes something you don't like is just manipulative and if he did that he'd be absolutely slammed here

Would you be ok with him not sleeping with her because she'd changed something about her appearance?

Refusing an act the beard directly affects, fine, but saying "I'm not having sex until you lose the beard" is controlling

I hate beards, i hate the way they make men look 20 years older, i hate the feel of spongey hair on the face. Just eurgh

I dont like fresh shaved either though, I like a bit of stubble

Well a beard make my vag like the sahara.

I have the right to refuse sex for ANY reason I want to

I’m the other way I don’t like husband clean shaven . Beards all the way for me

But dying or cutting her hair doesn't effect him in the same way. Kissing him means shoving his beard in her face. She can't do the most simple act as a couple without going facefirst into it. Whatever colour or length her hair is, he might have a preference but it's immaterial to him on a daily interacting basis.

A beard would be a deal breaker for me. I can’t stand them, find them deeply unattractive and they are beyond unhygienic! But I’m sure most people will say, his face, his choice etc. But urgh! I definitely wouldn’t be doing anything sexual with a bearded DH (thankfully he hates them too!) He must care whether or not you find him attractive surely?

I'm OK with anyone refusing to engage in sexual contact for any reason they choose. I don't think the OP should have to just get over it and do it anyway despite her discomfort just to keep him happy.

Doesn’t sound like she’s trying to control his choices. She’s saying she finds a beard unattractive. That is her prerogative and if she chooses not to have sex, then that’s down to her. She’s not controlling his choice to have sex. It could be seen the other way round if he insists on her having sex whilst he has a beard - that’s controlling. He is the one who has made a change.

In addition, changing her hair doesn’t obscure her facial features the way that a beard does with a man. Attractive men tend to know better than to sport a facial shrub but occasionally I’ll see one clean-shaven when he previously wasn’t and be shocked to realize that he’s attractive underneath. Never would have known it with all the nasty hair in the way!

Agree with the others saying it’s a dealbreaker for me. I always have mentioned this early on even though it’s not really an issue with the men I date.

You could try playing him the episode of Blandings where Lord Emsworth grows a beard and keeps being mistaken for a gentleman of the road.

Refusing an act the beard directly affects, fine, but saying "I'm not having sex until you lose the beard" is controlling

This seems like a contradiction to me. The beard directly effects pretty much all sexual acts except doggy style and blow jobs, and one rarely/never goes straight to those without some sort of face to face engagement. I guess she could keep her distance/eyes closed and jack him off, but that's still not a viable marital sex life for most couples. In short - the beard directly effects sex acts physically and attraction is a pre-requisite to being up for it anyway, so by your own definition it's fine even if you also deem it controlling.

"I'm not having sex whilst you have that beard"

Can you see how it's controlling?

I think he needs to decide what's more important - his beard or his sex life.
If the OP doesn't want to have sex with him because she doesn't find it attractive - then she is well within her rights to say no.
(And vice versa if she changed something that he didn't find sexually appealing).
A person can have any reason for saying "no" to sex.
No means no and that's that.

You can say you don't find him attractive with a beard. It's an honest statement of your feelings.

If it's long enough, can he braid it? Spray a bit of leave in conditioner on it and braid away. It really changes the look of it. You'd be surprised how many guys like this, especially in hot weather.