Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

[MumsiesF]

Aunt is having a big birthday soon. She has 2 dc. They decided to get caterers given the big occasion. My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer! I’m dumbfounded! Admittedly my mother and aunt are very close but bear in mind my mother is elderly, retired and trying to sort out finances after her partner passed away. She is stressed about money and to top it off, this family are well off and both dc have incomes. Aibu to think that this is completely nuts to expect my elderly mother who didn’t even know this was being planned, to put money towards it. I’m seething. My mother has hosted them over the years and never asked for a penny.

How much money are we talking about here?

I think it very much depends on timing. It’s a bit awkward but probably reasonable to ask her in the early stages of planning, in which case your mum would sort of become a joint host and involved in the planning to some extent. But to plan a party, book suppliers, send out invitations and THEN ask for money is pretty awful, particularly if the request seems more like an expectation that she can’t say no without it resulting in a fall out.

The amount doesn't matter at all. Of course she must not pay anything.

Take out the adjectives. Quite honestly it doesn’t really make a difference how elderly or stressed your mother is, it’s either ok to ask for money or it’s not. If it’s not you don’t need to overegg the victim narrative.

From what you’ve said, and there’s always two sides, it doesn’t sound reasonable. How old is the aunt, and what does well off look like to you? Just having incomes is not exactly a sign of financial security.

Do you get on with your cousins?

That’s the height of cheeky fuckery.

Will she stand up for herself?

That's ridiculous. It's not her responsibility to pay towards a party she had no involvement in arranging. Are they asking for a large contribution in lieu of her gettinga gift for her sister?
I'm guessing she will want to give her sister a something for her birthday, but that should be something of her choosing, and within her means.

I think that’s really cheeky and I hope your aunt is embarrassed of her DC when she finds out they asked!

Your mum is her sister not her parents.

Tell her no is a full sentence

Cheeky fuckers!

No is the right answer here but if that feels too short she could "No, but I think what you've arranged sounds lovely, well done." If they persist tell your Mum to redirect them to you or you can speak to your cousins directly if you feel it's warranted.

I find this highly strange to ask their aunt to pay towards catering. The 2 dc are the only ones, unless their dad is alive and still married, who should pay towards this party. It is a damn cheek to contact their aunt who isn't having anything to do with the party planning and dealing with so much plus you say they are well off. I'd tell your mum you will speak to them and say a firm, polite no. I am sorry your mum has lost her partner and see if ahe is entitled to pension credit if her income is below £227.10 per week. Your cousins are very rude to ask this when it is their mother and they are arranging it all.

I would offer water shed spend on their birthday gifts - I.e ‘Hi Sandra, I was going to give the kids £20 each for their birthday but I can use it as the contribution towards the party if they prefer’.

Is it meant to be instead of a present? A donation towards the party? I’d never even consider asking anyone to make a donation towards one of my DC’s parties. Not least one on a pension who had recently lost their partner. I’d encourage her to say that unfortunately due to recent circumstances, she can’t afford it. Cheeky so and so’s.

Yes, maybe i reading the op wrong but it feels lile when 2 people talk about someone in a care home like the person is not in the room

Not sure if i could call it ageist but I have lost count of the threads where the op has decided what should happen like people older or whatever else they have decided have less brains

Their party, their expense.
Absolutely your mother should not pay towards it.

Er she is a guest not the host. I’d definitely stick with gifts not cash too on this one. How awful!

How did they contact your Mum?

Why doesn’t your mother reply and say she doesn’t want to contribute as had assumed she was a guest as had not been involved in any of the planning or invitations. This is one of those situations where you have to be honest. They have been rude to expect your Mum to pay even though she wasn’t included in the organization of the party so, even though it might feel a little awkward, you Mum has to be honest and straightforward in her reply. Maybe you could offer to reply on her behalf.

I would double check with your Mother that she defiantly hadn’t agreed to help out before though.

“Hi Niece and Nephew, Mums contacted me and said that you have asked her to help pay for Auntie XXX’s party. This has come out the blue as she hasn’t been involved in any of the planning or decisions and she had thought she was going as a guest so she would prefer not to contribute. I told her I would let you know on her behalf. Hope that’s ok. We are really looking forward to it XXX”

It might be a little blunt but at least it’s clear and polite.

Tell them that as a pensioner, your mother can't afford it and that she's really stressed that they asked.

Yes something like this so the cheeky fuckers know you have your elderly mums back.

although personally I’d send ‘i’m sorry to hear things are a bit tough, a party for x sounds lovely but I’m sure she won’t mind if it’s self catered, mum is happy to bring a plate as are we. She is not in a position to pay towards the catering though. Looking forward to it and let us know if we should bring something!’

I’d give a tinkly laugh, feign confusion and act as though they were a bit mad.

This 🖕

Why is it not ok to talk of her mothera age but then you ask about the aunts age?

I would offer to speak to your aunt on your mum’s behalf.

Your aunt needs to know that you are looking out for your mum so she can’t take advantage of her.

Excellent question.

Of course it matters. My mum is elderly and now finds it hard to say no when people ask for money.

Two men came to give her a quote for gardening work and then tried to browbeat her into getting the work done that day at a very high rate. I had to call them and ask them to leave.

How bloody cheeky of them!

Your mother is not the host, so no, she doesn't have to contribute to the costs. What a cheek!!