Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

[MumsiesF]

Aunt is having a big birthday soon. She has 2 dc. They decided to get caterers given the big occasion. My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer! I’m dumbfounded! Admittedly my mother and aunt are very close but bear in mind my mother is elderly, retired and trying to sort out finances after her partner passed away. She is stressed about money and to top it off, this family are well off and both dc have incomes. Aibu to think that this is completely nuts to expect my elderly mother who didn’t even know this was being planned, to put money towards it. I’m seething. My mother has hosted them over the years and never asked for a penny.

Absolutely she shouldn’t pay. Total cheeky fuckers to ask.

The thought of asking my aunt to contribute to my mothers party is wild to me, my mum, my cost to bear, asking my siblings yeah but never my aunt or uncle. My cousin would never ask my mum if the situation was reversed.

Your cousin is very checky to ask this. Does he have form for this kind of thing? I would speak to your cousin to ask if he has financial difficulties and to suggest he has a little iceland buffet if money is tight.
Wonder how many guests he's asking this from, The tight git

Her partner has just died? Do they think she has inherited something?

Tell your aunt to only host a party she can afford. Tell your mum not to pay. Her age is irrelevant.

This.

But basically YANBU. They are chancers.

Are they asking everyone?

I would clarify the details. Are you also invited to the party? Is it that they have decided to hire caterers and are now asking all guests to cough up towards food?
You say your mother is elderly so maybe she has got the wrong end of the stick?
Also surely her sister is of a similar age?
So I wouldn't take this out on the Aunt, and query it with the cousins. If they are expecting her to pay and no one else then I think I would say to mum to decline and do something else with her sister and help her to arrange that.

They asked, she says no. It’s only wildly unreasonable if they don’t accept with good grace her no.

Id send them a message saying that they have stressed out your mum & if they cant afford to host the party they need to cut back not hassle pensioners!

If they don't have the money they have to downgrade the party.
Other thing would be if your mum offered the money because is a birthday milestone. But out of the blue your aunt asking for a contribution is CF.

I would find it strange if my mother had been asked rather than volunteered to do that. However it's your mums decision; what does she think about it? is she upset but uncomfortable with saying no? if so support her in how she does it. if not then keep out of it.

the details are totally relevant.

asking someone hard up is worse than asking someone loaded who frequently bank rolls events.

That's so rude of them. If they want to have a party with catered food, they pay for it. If it's too expensive, they have to serve something cheaper or invite fewer people. They can't expect relatives or guests to pay.

Perhaps because older people DO get more vulnerable, they DO struggle with the day-to-day especially when they are bereaved and have lost the life partner they depended on for support and advice.

It is MUCH harder to say no when you are alone and nearing the end of your life and can’t stand up with strength to the people who are your remaining support and social network .

There’s a reason scammers target older people, and powers go attorney exist to enable older people to get extra support to continue living in contentment.

I saw this with my own mum who lived until her mid 80s and in those final years after my dad had died, she was suddenly much needier, more unsure of her own decisions - unlike her old self.

Think its an embarrassment for anyone over 18 (and 21 in the case of Uni students) expects anything money from their elderly relatives. Time to stand on your own 2 feet and you can't expect a money steam indefinitely. Since you say they are both on good incomes, they've a real cheek and the answer should be a firm no.

What a patronising post. OP can put in as many adjectives as she likes and they do matter. Elderly people can be more vulnerable and open to financial abuse or coercion and OP says she is already stressed about money.

I don’t get all the frothing on this thread. Sisters are family, though I know MN likes to think that once you’ve had children, the rest of your family aren’t really family any more.

Your cousins have asked their aunt (your mum) if she can help with the costs of a big party they’re throwing for her sister.

Hardly an outlandish request in itself.

If she can help out, great - but she dictates how much she can spare. And if she can’t, she says, sorry niece/nephew, not this time.

It’s thoughtless to ask for money, but more so when you look at the circumstances:

• these people are very well off
• OP’s elderly mum is stressed about money

I hate all the ‘it doesn’t hurt to ask’ nonsense. It DOES hurt. It’s causing OP’s elderly mum stress at a time she is already stressed.l about money.

I’m guessing you have relied on the bank of mum and dad and any other relative you could inveigle.

I would contact the cousins directly:

"Hi Cheeky Cousins, Mum seems to be under the impression she needs to send you some money for Aunt's party. I think she may have got a little confused so I said I'd check for her. She's really looking forward to coming."

They might find repeating the demand to you makes them realise how unreasonable they're being.

@Ddakji surely it is for the DM to offer to contribute (if she wants to) not to be asked. If the cousins can’t afford the party they are planning then they need to scale it down

This.

I find this kind of behaviour really cheap. If you can't afford to have a big birthday for a parent then don't. It isn't up to others to fund it for you. My mum could tell her nieces and nephews no though. I'd also have no problem in telling my cousins they were being cheeky but it sounds like you can't or won't?

If you can’t afford a big “do” then you can’t have one! Not up to guests to be bank rolling someone else’s party.
I’d ring and suggest they do a more modest bring a bottle/dish type party if they’re struggling. Cheeky buggers!

Id just send a contribution instead of a gift to the value she was going to give anyway, or if she doesn't want to do that just say she can't afford it at present