Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

[MumsiesF]

Aunt is having a big birthday soon. She has 2 dc. They decided to get caterers given the big occasion. My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer! I’m dumbfounded! Admittedly my mother and aunt are very close but bear in mind my mother is elderly, retired and trying to sort out finances after her partner passed away. She is stressed about money and to top it off, this family are well off and both dc have incomes. Aibu to think that this is completely nuts to expect my elderly mother who didn’t even know this was being planned, to put money towards it. I’m seething. My mother has hosted them over the years and never asked for a penny.

If they want a party they need to pay for it themselves or scale it down to something they can afford without fleecing other folk. .

My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer!

"Sorry, can't. If you cant afford to cover the cost yourselves, suggest you downsize the party"

Simple. Why are you seething?

What a patronising post . And maybe there are 2 sides to every story but this isn’t a story . It’s a simple fact a person was asked to contribute to a party who is totally shocked and upset by it because they are stressed out about money already in their day to day life!

Don't discuss your elderly mothers' actual income on here, its highly confidential.

Your mother should not be expected to contribute financially for her grand childs' party.

If she is placed under any more pressure to contribute financually, this would be coersive control and if this happens I suggest you contact the CAB for advice.

Its pretty shameful to be honest.

Maybe suggest they charge an admission fee for everyone to spread the cost if they’re a bit short - tinkly laugh
Its ridiculous to ask your DM to contribute to the catering.

I would just go back on your mums behalf and say sorry she won’t be contributing, her children should be covering the cost. And inwould remind them of all the times your mother has hosted them at no charge

cheeky gits

Are they asking for £500 to cover catering costs? Or is it like, we’re planning a cold buffet and would love you to come and it will be £20 per person, we’ll buy in tea/coffee/beer/wine with that?

Because the first is rude, but the second isn’t necessarily uncommon and I’d happily contribute £20 to cover the costs of a party for a close family member.

To clarify, it's the aunt's party, and her kids are asking your mum for money towards it?

If so, surely the first response (from your mum) is "Remind me which of my parties you paid for?"

Assuming the answer to that is none, that should end it.

It’s cheeky if they hadn’t mentioned the party beforehand but now want money because they realised it’s costing a fortune!
Is it a surprise party, or does the aunt know about it? If the aunt knows then I’d be inclined to have a word with her and reiterate your mum being stressed enough right now.

I really think I'd want more clarification before going in all guns blazing. Are you sure it wasn't a question about whether she wanted to throw the party together with them?

Are they asking all the guests to contribute?

Did they demand or did they ask? To me it depends on the tone of the question, fiancial situation of the children and the aunt. Like, my brother loves having everyone around since that doenst happen too often and if his kids couldnt afford to make it happen, id happily contribute for my brothers sake.

Obviously she doesn't have to contribute and they propbaly shouldn't have asked. But with the current info, they might not be the worst cfs

How is it reasonable for two grown adults to ask their aunt to help pay for a party for their mother?

Is Tiddles a cousin of the OP??

I don't understand the outrage. Wouldn't she offer her sister a nice present anyway. Assuming she hasn't bought it yet, I would give the value of what she was planning on spending and the party becomes part of a joint present?

That's what we do in my family. I'm grateful when others organise and all I have to is transfer some money.

@SleepingStandingUp i am sure it depends on things such as family dynamics and their respective circumstances. But if it is a request rather than an expectation then I don’t see the problem- it’s just a question. I have a good relationship with my uncle and I am aware he doesn’t have any money worries (because he is sensible not because he is loaded). If I asked him at the very beginning “My sister and I are hoping to plan a party for my mum but if we want a venue with catering etc it’s becomes too much for us to afford, would you be willing to chip in 1/3 and host / plan the party with us” I know he wouldn’t mind that. He will either say yes or no, and either way that would be fine with me.

I think it’s pretty tackless to ask someone on a pension to contribute to something financially that’s not about them.
Op you should contact your cousins and just clarify what they mean. It’s a little concerning you haven’t been contacted to also financially contribute.

OP's mother has been asked to contribute to her sister's party . None of this is about any grandchildren .

They chose caterers, they did not consult re caterers, they pay the caterers.

Very insensitive and tactless given your mum's current situation. MASSIVE cheeky fuckers.

Their idea to have a party, they pay for it.

Did they demand that she pays a contribution or did they ask if she would like to? In your post you say she was asked. So, whilst it might be cheeky to ask, she had every right to decline.

Thank you for the chance to contribute to DS party. You know how much I love her and I was planning to take her for afternoon tea / buy her a puppy/ organise a parachute jump/ get her a subscription to the bumper annul of cheeky fuckery etc as a birthday surprise. I haven’t budgeted for contributing to the party catering and in the aftermath of DP’s death, I’m having to be extra careful while I organise my finances around my new circumstances. It’s a stressful and worrying time for me as you can imagine. However, I can spare £20 for a bottle of wine if that helps. Yours etc.

Are you sure this is how it was presented or was it more - there’s no presents for the occasion but contributions towards the caterer instead?
in which case I’d find this more reasonable
just a thought.

I stick to the idea - can't afford a party, don't have a party.