Expecting elderly mother to contribute towards DS party

[MumsiesF]

Aunt is having a big birthday soon. She has 2 dc. They decided to get caterers given the big occasion. My mother (who is her sister) told me today that she was contacted by aunts dc and asked to contribute towards cost of caterer! I’m dumbfounded! Admittedly my mother and aunt are very close but bear in mind my mother is elderly, retired and trying to sort out finances after her partner passed away. She is stressed about money and to top it off, this family are well off and both dc have incomes. Aibu to think that this is completely nuts to expect my elderly mother who didn’t even know this was being planned, to put money towards it. I’m seething. My mother has hosted them over the years and never asked for a penny.

This would not fly in my family. Five sisters who always have some sort of petty grievance about one or other of them. It's a family joke between me and my cousins, which aunt isn't currently talking to which sister at the moment and what was the petty perceived slight that brought it on. They absolutely thrive on it
which is why they're all living to ripe old ages I'm sure.

I'm just trying to imagine the level of indignation this would arouse in any one of them and I'm pretty sure it would be explosive. YANBU

In total agreement

Is there any reason why your Mum cannot simply say No to the nieces herself? Can she not tell them that she was not involved in the plans so has not budgeted for it?

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking for a contribution. Expecting one is wrong. Your mum is well within her rights to say she can't afford it and that should be respected. I don't think elderly has anything to do with it. In my family the older generation has usually been the more wealthy, even after retirement. I've never asked them for anything but my grandparents and then my parents were/are very generous as they had much more disposable income than I did/have as a parent raising children who hasn't reached the peek of my career or paid off mortgage.

Please stand up for your mum and explain to them the reasons that she is absolutely not responsible or financially capable of paying any money towards this.

Your mother needs to be assertive. Of course she shouldn't be asked to contribute to this party. She will be a guest and I assume will buy a present.
Even if she was comfortably off it is extremely rude asking for a contribution towards a party she isn't planning. But gicmven her financial situation,it is even worse.

It would be good to see the answers to many of the points raised? Nothing more annoying than an original post and then the OP goes AWOL! 🤣

So it wasn't the aunt that asked it was her children! And when it's your mums children's birthday will the aunt help with birthday finances? It needs to be said that your mum cannot contribute as her money is spoken for and helping towards a party will leave her struggling. No doubt your mum will be expected to give a gift as well? Someone needs to be tough. If your mum can't face being honest then maybe you need to be the one to say no. In fact aunt doesn't need a reason it's not necessary just it's not happening.. sorry!

I would intervene quietly and tell her your mother hasn't comfortable finances to contribute and would rather it was dropped.

Beyond cheeky. She should just say no, afraid I cannot.

How much are we talking?
I think as her daughter I’d be saying something to either the aunt so she can talk to her DC or I’d tell the cousins straight that your mum isn’t paying towards the meal.. period!

I would contact my aunt and ask her what the hell she was playing at. Despite her own age, this can be classed as elder abuse. I would remind her of all the times your mum has hosted her and tell her that if you hear about her doing that again you'll be telling everybody about it.

I am puzzled as to why your mother cannot deal with this herself? Why does she need someone to intervene on her behalf? She is an adult.

Oh, bollocks. Did you miss the bit where the OP's mother's partner has recently passed away?

And being elderly, recently bereaved, and stressed about money is different to being young and not bereaved and stressed about money. The adjectives count. One's resilience is not where it might once have been

The poor woman being pressured like this.

For big birthdays - 50 yrs plus birthdays, it's normal in my circles for the birthday person /partner to pay as they are normally pretty solvent by that time, very odd to ask an aunt /sister especially one who is recently bereaved to pay.

And now you’re asking for adjectives…

Well this has to be a front runner for CF of the year. Unless the party with caterers was your mums idea, of course she shouldn't be asked to contribute. I strongly suspect that your cousins told your aunt she was having a posh party before getting to caterers invoice and now they're scrambling. Catering is expensive.