Does your husband/partner apologise?

[Isthisforreal2025]

Mine only does if he believes he is wrong.. the problem is he hardly ever believes he's wrong, even at times when he DEFINITELY is. He can literally go weeks/months not speaking to me, all because he is convinced I am in the wrong, which becomes very lonely and isolating. Anyone else experience the same and how do you deal with it? I can simply just apologise in order to keep the peace, even when I am not in the wrong, but I have been doing this for years and its slowly building an emotional barrier - at least from my side. To me, the ability to simply ignore someone until they admit they are 'wrong', and be so uncaring in the process, does not feel like unconditional love. Of course its difficult for everyone to reply without having the full picture but in my view, you can't possibly love someone unconditionally when your actions during the silence say otherwise. Can men really be that stubborn? Should I simply apologise for the sake of peace? AIBU?

This is abusive behaviour. Refusing to speak to you is competely unacceptable.

Ignoring for lengthy periods is abusive.

If my partner and I have disagreed, he sometimes takes a while to process it, but will listen to my feelings. Then he always apologises for something he’s got wrong - and even if he doesn’t think he is ‘wrong’ he’ll apologise for upsetting me. I do the same. Then we move forwards. That’s how it is meant to work.

Do you have close friends/family you could talk this through with?

You shouldnt have to " deal with it" OP.
That is abusive behaviour.

No wonder you feel lonely and isolated.
He will know perfectly well he is wrong but he is enjoying making you unhappy and destroying your belief in yourself.

I think you should make plans to leave him OP. Find out how you would stand financially.

He can literally go weeks/months not speaking to me

Fuck that! Bin him. What a twat. You can do better - raise the bar!

If my husband didn’t speak to me for weeks/ months, I’d assume we were broken up. What an abusive POS.

Dh rarely apologises, he doesn’t see when he is wrong. But he doesn’t hold a grudge or expect me to apologise. (I do if I’m wrong) usually we just move on.

I honestly think people who argue or disagree often enough for this to even be noticeable clearly aren't compatible and shouldn't be in a relationship.

I don't agree that being silent is always abusive, because there were a few occasions with my Ex that they did something so infuriating that it took me a few days to calm down to the point where I could actually speak to them without losing my temper. Far better to let that ebb somewhat before trying to discuss it. Different when it's a constant and a pattern, but then that's just more evidence that the disagreements are frequent enough that you are fundamentally incompatible.

You are being abused.

Two very useful resources for you:

• WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft ( free PDF online)
• Gottman’s Horsemen of the Apocalypse - which explains how stonewalling and resentment are THE relationship killers.

Before, I always made sure the silence didnt last long as I couldn't stand it. But im losing patience as I really dont think it's the right way to treat someone. Whilst I still can't stand it, I cant bring myself to always just back down to keep the peace and its making me feel quite down.

You deserve better than this OP and you know it. You only get one life.

DH dropped me to the train today. There were roadworks on the road and I said to him "you'll just have to go around them" He said "well I can't because there is a cop waving on the traffic the other way" When I left the car he said "sorry if I snapped at you"

No way to live OP. The silent treatment is abuse.

www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/

I am also living your life, although I describe it as sulking. My husband sulks if I say something that he doesn't like. I used to be the wife that didn't say anything. Until one day I grew a back bone, but by then I had lost all confidence in me. I was ashamed of myself. When someone sulks for weeks at a time and ignores you, you believe wrongly that you are the problem. You are not the problem, he is. Please don't do as I have, I am 60 in September and have zero confidence, feel as though I am stuck with him now. I don't have the money to live alone.
Please, please don't put up with it.

His is emotional abuse OP, absolutely not normal behaviour

No...men are not that stubborn, assholes are.

Please don't put up with it any longer, you are ONLY 60, imagine how happy you could be.

Fuck that shit. I'm sorry but I can't be more polite or eloquent.

My partner struggled with apologies. Apparently even as a child his mum told me he wouldn't apologise.. if the choice was go to your room until you can apologise then he'd stay up there forever!

We're good at talking through stuff now. Oh and he apologises!

Apologising is not the main issue. The main issue is you're married to a man who emotionally abuses you by punishing you with silence to try and get you to drop things, instead of talking through resolutions to conflict in a healthy way.

As to what you can do about it, you can't change someone else's behaviour. In a healthy relationship you can point out why your partners behaviour is hurtful and if they are reasonable they will recognise their behaviour was unreasonable and try and change. Sometimes with the help of therapy where their unreasonable habits are ingrained from childhood. An abusive partner won't do this, if you speak to them about it they will usually not accept any criticism, blame you, and carry on with or ramp up the upsetting behaviour

You probably only have three realistic choices:

• carry on apologising
• completely ignore the behaviour, live your life like you're single when he is ignoring you and try not to let it affect you
• tell him he either starts resolving conflict like an adult with the help of a therapist or you'll leave. Hint: even if he says he will, he won't, so you'd need to make plans

Often he will straight away but he might not always immediately. Where that happens I usually let him sit with it for an hour or so and he will usually say sorry (if he’s wrong) after that. I can only think of one occasion where we have gone to bed not speaking. I hate the silent treatment.

I equally apologise if I’m wrong but more often than not it’s a bit of both and we both apologise for our part in it.

I couldn’t be with someone in a relationship or have friendships or family’s relationships where people can’t be accountable and see another’s POV. It’s deeply unattractive and I’d rather be alone.

The “who is right / who apologises” thing isn’t so important to me but the first time my spouse ignored me for WEEKS never mind MONTHS it would be over.

No wonder you feel so down OP this is horrible & deliberate on his part to punish you with isolation & freezing you out. I was with someone who did this & it was really awful. He literally acted like I did not exist & would carry on his life, calls to friends & family & daily routine quite happily as though I was invisible. He didn’t let me know what he was up to or his comings or goings. I eventually left him. If he ignores you for MONTHS that’s hugely damaging & a window onto how damaged & f’kd up he truly is. Not to explain away his behaviour but to show you that this is toxic & cruel & that’s what kind of a person he truly is. I’d get out. You deserve so much better.

You have made a rod for your own back by apologising when you shouldn’t have

its his behaviour choice

Personally I would have dumped his man child ass a long time ago

This isnt normal you are in an abusive relationships.

Thank you all. He genuinely believes that he is not in the wrong in situations where he so obviously is in the wrong. I really dont understand that way of thinking. He thinks that anything he does is as a result of something I've done, I.e. a reaction. He justifies everything that way. Therefore everything is ultimately my fault.

DH is very quick to apologise (as am I) when needed - we both like to diffuse any bad feelings as we actually care about how the other feels!

Your DH sounds like an abusive twat. That's not a healthy or normal relationship.

Your partner should be a support and lift you up, not pull you down.

Its called 'the silent treatment', its a well known form of abusive controlling behaviour, and he doesn't really think he's right. He just knows he can get away with it.
Where do you want to go from here? Couples therapy isn't recommended when you are in an abusive relationship.