Page 4 | Does your husband/partner apologise?

Isthisforreal2025 · 2025-07-17T17:32:01+00:00

Mine only does if he believes he is wrong.. the problem is he hardly ever believes he's wrong, even at times when he DEFINITELY is. He can literally go weeks/months not speaking to me, all because he is convinced I am in the wrong, which becomes very lonely and isolating. Anyone else experience the same and how do you deal with it? I can simply just apologise in order to keep the peace, even when I am not in the wrong, but I have been doing this for years and its slowly building an emotional barrier - at least from my side. To me, the ability to simply ignore someone until they admit they are 'wrong', and be so uncaring in the process, does not feel like unconditional love. Of course its difficult for everyone to reply without having the full picture but in my view, you can't possibly love someone unconditionally when your actions during the silence say otherwise. Can men really be that stubborn? Should I simply apologise for the sake of peace? AIBU?

KatieDidIt · 18/07/2025 23:58

In the months he does his ignoring, you could be months into building yourself a much better life.

fakegrassdisappointment · 19/07/2025 08:43

AzureOrca · 17/07/2025 19:17

I am also living your life, although I describe it as sulking. My husband sulks if I say something that he doesn't like. I used to be the wife that didn't say anything. Until one day I grew a back bone, but by then I had lost all confidence in me. I was ashamed of myself. When someone sulks for weeks at a time and ignores you, you believe wrongly that you are the problem. You are not the problem, he is. Please don't do as I have, I am 60 in September and have zero confidence, feel as though I am stuck with him now. I don't have the money to live alone.
Please, please don't put up with it.

Its not too late.

KimberleyClark · 19/07/2025 08:52

Yes he does. Neither of us can keep up the silent treatment for more than ten minutes.

OP your DH is an abuser.

RabbitsRock · 19/07/2025 09:09

Just horrendous OP - DH & I didn’t speak to each other for about an hour after having words the other day & that was bad enough so I can’t imagine what it feels like to get the silent treatment for weeks or months! DH is way better at accepting responsibility than he used to be & he apologises even when I really don’t expect him to. Makes me feel secure. I imagine you must feel the opposite & that’s not good. You are being emotionally abused OP 😢

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/07/2025 11:51

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/07/2025 19:30

Apologising is not the main issue. The main issue is you're married to a man who emotionally abuses you by punishing you with silence to try and get you to drop things, instead of talking through resolutions to conflict in a healthy way.

As to what you can do about it, you can't change someone else's behaviour. In a healthy relationship you can point out why your partners behaviour is hurtful and if they are reasonable they will recognise their behaviour was unreasonable and try and change. Sometimes with the help of therapy where their unreasonable habits are ingrained from childhood. An abusive partner won't do this, if you speak to them about it they will usually not accept any criticism, blame you, and carry on with or ramp up the upsetting behaviour

You probably only have three realistic choices:

carry on apologising
completely ignore the behaviour, live your life like you're single when he is ignoring you and try not to let it affect you
tell him he either starts resolving conflict like an adult with the help of a therapist or you'll leave. Hint: even if he says he will, he won't, so you'd need to make plans

Kindly, OP, this.

You’ve already noticed it getting you down. It will erode you entirely if you allow it. Please don’t.

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/07/2025 11:55

AzureOrca · 17/07/2025 19:17

I am also living your life, although I describe it as sulking. My husband sulks if I say something that he doesn't like. I used to be the wife that didn't say anything. Until one day I grew a back bone, but by then I had lost all confidence in me. I was ashamed of myself. When someone sulks for weeks at a time and ignores you, you believe wrongly that you are the problem. You are not the problem, he is. Please don't do as I have, I am 60 in September and have zero confidence, feel as though I am stuck with him now. I don't have the money to live alone.
Please, please don't put up with it.

@AzureOrca are you absolutely sure?! If so, I hope you have found some peace and acceptance and are living the best life you can still? Leave him to sulk!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/07/2025 12:02

Isthisforreal2025 · 17/07/2025 22:45

I would rather not get them involved and worry them.

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@AzureOrca They would rather know!! They are your support network, honesty, lean on them. Not only further isolates you…

Now, not wanting to have potentially different conversations with them about it may be the real reason you are not talking to them, they probably wouldn’t want you to be treated like this.

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/07/2025 12:07

Isthisforreal2025 · 18/07/2025 08:57

May I ask if you have children and if so, whether they have mirrored this behaviour? I worry that my children are starting to.

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They absolutely will! This is what he’s role modelling and normalising for them.

No ownership or personal responsibility for his behaviour. This doesn’t get any better, by being ignored, OP.

Please address this situation, OP.

Hopingtobeaparent · 19/07/2025 12:12

Diblin93 · 18/07/2025 21:32

My Dad used to give the whole silent treatment for months. I loathed him and I hated my mother for exposing us kids to that abuse; she should have got us out. She left him several times but always went back to him. I’m in my sixties and I still resent the atmosphere we were brought up in. He’s an abuser. LEAVE.

This!

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 19/07/2025 12:15

I have this with mine. Recently he sent really nasty messages to teen in family group chat and had absolutely refused to apologise or accept he’s done anything wrong. Has opened my eyes to everything. This is why I’m viewing a house to rent on Tuesday. After 30 years of putting up with his drunken and emotionally abusive shit I will be free. Only sad it’s taken this long but so excited for what the future holds.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 19/07/2025 12:18

Isthisforreal2025 · 17/07/2025 19:50

Thank you all. He genuinely believes that he is not in the wrong in situations where he so obviously is in the wrong. I really dont understand that way of thinking. He thinks that anything he does is as a result of something I've done, I.e. a reaction. He justifies everything that way. Therefore everything is ultimately my fault.

He prioritises being right over being connected.

Helen483 · 19/07/2025 14:54

Isthisforreal2025 · 17/07/2025 19:50

Thank you all. He genuinely believes that he is not in the wrong in situations where he so obviously is in the wrong. I really dont understand that way of thinking. He thinks that anything he does is as a result of something I've done, I.e. a reaction. He justifies everything that way. Therefore everything is ultimately my fault.

He genuinely believes that he is not in the wrong in situations where he so obviously is in the wrong. I really don't understand that way of thinking.

It doesn't matter, there doesn't have to be a right and a wrong in every situation, you can agree to differ, and you can acknowledge another's pov without apologising for your own.

He thinks that anything he does is as a result of something I've done, I.e. a reaction. He justifies everything that way. Therefore everything is ultimately my fault.

No, he doesn't. He wants YOU to think that! It's bullshit, start to call him out on it.

OP this is an abusive relationship, you need to start to free yourself from it (and there's loads of good advice on here to get you started)..

Rabbitsockpeony · 20/07/2025 14:14

He doesn’t believe you’re always in the wrong, he’s abusing you into taking responsibility for everything so he can pretend it’s all your fault.

He uses highly effective methods of abuse, namely silent treatment, to wear you down until you apologise. It makes him feel powerful and important. He has no respect for you. He’s enjoying your suffering.

Ownedbykitties · 21/07/2025 23:29

@Isthisforreal2025. I don't think unconditional love is possible in marriage. The only unconditional love there is is parent to child. If unconditional love existed in relationships there would be no divorce as each partner would accept everything the other did and that clearly doesn't happen.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 22/07/2025 00:41

Isthisforreal2025 · 18/07/2025 08:57

May I ask if you have children and if so, whether they have mirrored this behaviour? I worry that my children are starting to.

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If you have children living with this you are allowing them to be abused. If you wont leave for yourself do it for them.

notatinydancer · 22/07/2025 08:26

@Isthisforreal2025I know it’s really difficult but you have to leave. You can’t have your children witnessing this.

Mathsbabe · 22/07/2025 15:42

Never apologises and shouts to train me to stop making a fuss.

RampantIvy · 22/07/2025 17:12

Mathsbabe · 22/07/2025 15:42

Never apologises and shouts to train me to stop making a fuss.

You're not a dog.

Tamrastarr · 23/07/2025 14:42

My dad used to do this to my mum. Silent treatment for days on, and most of the time she wouldn't know what she had done wrong, if anything!!

We would all be treading on eggshells.

My mum ended up with a drink problem. She stopped drinking and divorced him. He couldn't believe it, put so many obstacles in her way to stop the divorce, but she finally did it. He actually told us that he thought he was a really good husband!
Life is short, think of your own happiness and that of your children.