Does your husband/partner apologise?

[Isthisforreal2025]

Mine only does if he believes he is wrong.. the problem is he hardly ever believes he's wrong, even at times when he DEFINITELY is. He can literally go weeks/months not speaking to me, all because he is convinced I am in the wrong, which becomes very lonely and isolating. Anyone else experience the same and how do you deal with it? I can simply just apologise in order to keep the peace, even when I am not in the wrong, but I have been doing this for years and its slowly building an emotional barrier - at least from my side. To me, the ability to simply ignore someone until they admit they are 'wrong', and be so uncaring in the process, does not feel like unconditional love. Of course its difficult for everyone to reply without having the full picture but in my view, you can't possibly love someone unconditionally when your actions during the silence say otherwise. Can men really be that stubborn? Should I simply apologise for the sake of peace? AIBU?

I agree in most part to the majority of replies....with one proviso
If you're discussing a non family matter and have differing points of view...then one of you is proved right then that should be acknowledged but you shouldn't have to apologise for having a different opinion. Every discussion should not need a winner and a loser just a learned outcome.

The answer to this is to leave him.

Tell him that if he doesn't change he will be leaving as he is impossible to live with. You'll be happy to go to Relate to sort it but otherwise it's over. If you have children (you've not mentioned them) l am sure they'll understand your position as they'll have seen him in action.

You could go on strike & not wash or cook for him. Or sleep with him.

Oh, & you are the wronged partner so he has to leave.

All very hard to do l don't doubt but courage, ma brave x

Emotional abuse is so, so damaging. I hope you get out.

My H does apologise and he helps me to find a way back to him when we argue, which I struggle with as it feels so dangerous having grown up with a mother who used the silent treatment with me as a kid. He considers whether he has been an arse or if he thinks I have, and we take it from there.

If my partner went for “weeks/months” not speaking to me I’d be single.

Your partner sounds abusive.

Been there, done that. Even worse as we lived in an isolated area so if he didn't speak to me, I had no one else either!

My respect for him dwindled to nothing. Been happily divorced for over ten years now 😀.

Maybe get some counselling to get the confidence to leave?

The silent treatment is a domestic abuse tactic to ensure that the victim stays compliant and the perpetrator remains in control. What other domestic abuse is happening in your home? Sadly your children are more likely to be a victim of domestic abuse (typically this relates to girls) or a perpetrator (boys) if exposed to it as a child so you may well be right about them copying his behaviour.

Dh apologises first most of the time. He can't bear for there to be bad blood between us. This is not to say he's perfect by any means (he has adhd, so parenting/ keeping calm, harmonious relationships can be challenging) but I can't imagine a situation where he'd ignore me for days and never say sorry, or insinuate everything is my fault etc.

Op, your h is abusive. This isn't the way loving adults behave. You deserve much better than this.

Agree with all posters who say this is abusive behaviour.
Giving you the silent treatment for long periods is emotional and psychological abuse.
By thinking he is always right and you are wrong is controlling and manipulating.
You are better than this dont live a lonely isolated life with this person.
Or if you cant leave right away leave him to be silent and get on with your life anyway leave him the hell to it.
Really you need to part he wont change.

Not good at all. The only thing I'd say is I don't expect 'unconditional love' from anyone, but I do expect respect, support, communication, and general pleasantness at the very least, which this isn't.

This is abusive and awful to put up with. My dad did this to me as a young teen, it’s incredibly cruel and I have trauma from it. Please get help, he will not change.

feel as though I am stuck with him now. I don't have the money to live alone.
Please, please don't put up with it.

I just turned 60, got a new job, new house, having a great year after a number of quite difficult ones. Please dont settle for this for the rest of your life - you dont deserve to live in misery. Perhaps speak to Womens Aid to explore if you have any options?

My DH is exactly the same. Flat out refuses to take responsibility for anything, big or small, or apologise even if it results in someone getting hurt. Unless he thinks apologising will mean nobody can say anything else about it, then he literally spits the apology at you. If I point out anything he did, not to be mean but to suggest he doesn't do it again as it could cause injury or damage to something, he acts like a spoilt child. He'll put on a whiney voice to our adult children and say "Oh look, I've done something wrong AGAIN!"

Alternatively, he'll try and blame one of our children or point out something completely unrelated, that he insists they did wrongly. He's been known to invent scenarios up to deflect from anything anybody might raise with him. It's utterly exhausting and has eroded all respect I had for him.

I make mistakes as often as anyone else, but I have always firmly believed that a heartfelt apology is the least you can offer. Live and hopefully learn. I also understand that when you offer an apology, it doesn't mean anyone you've upset or hurt then has no right express their feelings on the matter in future, for fear of hurting your feelings.

Sorry to hear this OP, worth exploring with your husband if marital counselling is on the cards. You must feel quite stifled and unjust a lot of the time! Do you have any children? Where do you see yourself long term? Just asking because you’re obviously feeling quite let down by your husband after trying so hard to normalise what’s abnormal. Healthy relationships and marriages require open and regular communication and readily saying sorry and thank you to each other regardless of who started the argument. I always believe it takes two hands to clap so your husband definitely needs to change! Although It does sound like it’s a chronic issue so might be tough…and especially because individuals who behave like that often have deep seated psychological issues that will require professional help from a therapist. Not any easy solutions here.

If he’s not willing to make steps to change, then you might have to make the first step, which is painful and hard but likely necessary to liberate yourself from this suffering.
You definitely deserve respect though, and if you’re not getting it from your husband, respect yourself and make him earn yours too! Perhaps it’s time to pack your bags and give yourself the respect you deserve!

Am I being weird in being confused by the opening. This is little to do with the OP's husband not apologising for stuff, but about him sulking for extended periods when he feels he is owed an apology? I mean one thing is annoying the real situation is darker.

I mean don't get me wrong I think the round about way we ended up there may be speaking volumes about how the OP is feeling about the situation.

Please don't have children with him.

I can't get past this bit either! That's some control he has there waiting it out until you apologise (rightly or wrongly) for the sake of his own ego. Ugh not worth it!

I think from later in the thread this is too late.

My stbx was like this. Never ever apologised, everything was spun as being my fault. He had an affair and has never apologised - his exact words were that he hadn't done anything wrong, and it was none of my business. An apology is about taking accountability for your actions, therefore what you're living with is someone who will not take accountability for how they behave. Once I saw this, I stopped feeling safe with him. During our breakup he stayed living in the house for three months and regularly didn't talk to me for days on end, or even acknowledge I was there. He would talk to our 7 year old daughter as if I wasn't in the room. It really scared me, because it felt like I was living with someone who didn't want me to exist. I agree with all the others on this thread will say this is abuse.

My Dad used to give the whole silent treatment for months. I loathed him and I hated my mother for exposing us kids to that abuse; she should have got us out. She left him several times but always went back to him. I’m in my sixties and I still resent the atmosphere we were brought up in. He’s an abuser. LEAVE.

What? He ices you out for months at a time and makes everything your fault?

Dump dump dump.

My ex was like that! Acting like a bloody sulking child. A grown man shouldn’t behave like that! I was in my early 20s so put up for many years with it that I’ll never get back. Please don’t stay in that relationship. Look into narcissistic behaviours as that’s what my ex was, always gaslighting, everything was my fault. Once he noticed I was emotionally out of that relationship he started begging and apologising for everything but I didn’t care at that point.
I’m so glad I left, met an amazing man a year later. When we have an issue we don’t go to sleep until we solve it, never had a quiet day. He always listens what I have to say and tries to see things from my perspective- this is how emotionally mature adults communicate. Give him an ultimatum

This is a horrible way to live maybe you should say to him next time he’s sulking like a toddler if you aren’t going to speak to me that is your choice but it’s getting boring and very tedious living with a toddler who needs to grow up and be a man. Sulking is not very mature. Don’t apologise if he’s in the wrong just try to do nice things for yourself he’s abusive and acting like a kid.

I have only ever had the silent treatment once when we walked home in silence from a night out when I pulled him up on the fact I was totally fed up of his what he thought was secretive daily porn watching and it was an utter turn off - it was my most uncomfortable 15 minute walk home ever and he had a face like thunder . If this is happening regularly OP it’s seriously not ok - I remember I felt like shit - and I wasn’t the one in my opinion in the wrong .

You need to leave. Your husband's abusive behaviour is having a negative effect not just on you but also on your children. Life is too short to be miserable and walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.

What is stopping you from leaving?