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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed-up at my friend bringing so much stuff round for an eve???

111 replies

sparklyshoos · 26/05/2008 21:51

I had a girl's night in on fri, all planned, I was just doing pizza and easy buffet stuff, snacks and wine. My friends asked what should they bring, I said nothing, told them what I was planning, they were happy with that. The one kept on asking what she should bring, so I said oh just bring a bottle of wine.

Now, if I'm going somewhere and ask what to take and somebody says nothing, i still take a bottle out of politeness anyway, so couldn't really figure out why she kept asking.

Anyway, she turned up with 2 bottles of wine, big bunch of flowers, olives, garlic bread, kettle chips, quiche, fancy nuts and lemon tart. oh, and a prezzie for DS - trendy outfit from Next. My other friend brought a bottle of pinot grigio - fab.

Lovely and generous of my friend to bring all this stuff, but it meant that the stuff I'd got in didn't all get eaten, I felt like the eve was taken out of my control - it was my first girlie night in I'd hosted since having DS ( he's 15mo, but I've not managed it till now!) and I'd planned it all and was looking forward to actually being the hostess! as it was, she opened the stuff she'd bought, so thanking her and putting it to one side whilst I served up my stuff wasn't an option.

DH has calmed me down by making me see it's not that she thinks I'm not capable of hosting anything - she would just do this wherever she went, - but just like it can be rude to turn up empty handed, AIBU to think it's also starting to be rude to turn up with so much stuff OTT???

OP posts:

LittlePeanut · 26/05/2008 22:30

Sparkly - I have a friend who does this, and I agree it can be very annoying. She is completely OTT on every given occasion, to the point of embarrassment. She cannot take "please don't bring anything" either - tends to turn up with stacks of food, and is also always ridiculously over the top with presents at Christmas and birthdays. I know everyone is saying "get over it you should be grateful", but I'm with you. It can be really inappropriate/ pushy. TBH I think it is a sign of a "needy" person. It's like they are constantly trying to buy your affection. If you value the friendship (which I do) then you just have to accept it with grace. Just wanted to sympathise though, because I know it can be very annoying.

welliemum · 26/05/2008 22:32

I agree with Mazzystar.

If you invited people round for dinner and one of them turned up with a full roast dinner, it would be odd, no? At some point, bringing lots of stuff stops being simply "lovely" and starts being a bit uncomfortable. The OP's friend, for whatever reason, seems to have overstepped that mark.

I think taking food to other people's houses needs a bit of tact actually.

Take nothing and you look like a freeloader, just taking advantage.

Take too much and it looks as if you don't trust the hostess to provide enough food.

I'm sure I wouldn't have been angry in the OP's place, but I would certainly have wondered what the friend's motivation was for being OTT.

SmoothandWilkie · 26/05/2008 22:33

Yes it's a bit OTT what she brought but she does sound quite sweet. I honestly think you are being a little touchy but I think some of the replies you have got on here are quite shameful...bullies spring to mind (again).

chunkychips · 26/05/2008 22:44

yanbu, bottle of wine would have been fine and even something for afters, but to bring that much stuff is strange. She's basically brought her own dinner. My mil does the same, invite her to lunch and she empties her fridge of stuff, brings it round and it all ends up in the bin eventually. Sounds ungrateful, but when you invite people over for dinner, you've usually organised the food yourself.

KaSo · 26/05/2008 22:45

Totally agree with Enid. God you're ungrateful!

Windypop · 26/05/2008 22:46

Don't feel down about some of the replies sparklyshoes, at heart most of them are trying to point out that they think you have a good friend there. In an overly critical kinda way in some cases, but the reassurance is there, nevertheless. Anyway. You have hosted your first girly evening, your DS is sleeping better.. it's going well! Try focus on the positive.

PS bluemousemummy, how very prim of you! Do you never bitch express your feelings about someone/something that has bothered you on here? I'm sure the OP is on the naughty step thinking about how it 'reflects on her' right now

onebatmother · 26/05/2008 22:49

You are not being unreasonable In The Slightest.

Whilst your friend was - almost certainly - not doing this as a cunning exercise in Making You Feel Shite..

..it did Make You Feel Shite.

You have no need to make excuses for that fact. And it is, mildly, controlling of her (though would have been less so, had she not opened all her thingies.)

Probably nothing to be done about it, though, other than grudge-nurturing. Which has its place.

Windypop · 26/05/2008 22:51

onebatmother! Nutshell. Agree.

cat64 · 26/05/2008 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PollyFlinders · 26/05/2008 23:38

Other side of the story wrt to undermining - years ago a 'friend' and her heinous boyfriend came to stay, armed with shopping, not just treats for a night in, but basics like milk, juice etc and the ingredients for dinner?!?

She then went on to announce in front of a group of people that they thought I might not be able to afford to feed them so they had brought food for the weekend, as I'd never had any money. Subtle eh? And her cooking was shit.

After a later bitching session where she whinged about how she worked so much harder than me, and how could I afford to live in such a nice place (they hadn't seen it until this night) I resolved never to see her again.

Not sure if that's relevant to the OP but I feel better for getting that one out.

onebatmother · 26/05/2008 23:43

yikes, PF. Good move.

handlemecarefully · 27/05/2008 00:03

sparklyshoes - I do see where you are coming from to a degree. However, friend was meaning to be generous and helpful with no ulterior motive, so cut her some slack...she was just a little OTT.

Overall her intentions were good, so I wouldn't waste any more energy on worrying about it

But yes it is possible to take too much (for instance, your first friend's majorly philanthropic contribution might have made your other friend feel uncomfortable, given her rather more modest offering for instance)

handlemecarefully · 27/05/2008 00:05

And agree with Smoothandwilkie.

Do you want me to kick some arse for for you?

welliemum · 27/05/2008 01:52

I dunno, hmc, can we really be sure that there was no ulterior motive?

I don't think we (reading this thread) can know either way.

Maybe the friend was just being lovely and didn't know where to stop, but people do odd things sometimes as a way of being in control of a social situation, and on the story here, I don't think we can rule that out.

jalopy · 27/05/2008 08:09

Agree, sparkly.

What a ridiculous amount of bring.

BalloonSlayer · 27/05/2008 08:39

Must say I always decline offers from people to bring food, as you never know if they will actually remember on the day or not. If they don't then it's you, the hostess, that looks disorganised.

I have had people turn up with things nevertheless, then I get left with loads of food uneaten.

YANBU.

AMumInScotland · 27/05/2008 09:29

As one who earlier got pounced on for saying I'd be pissed off at this, I'd like to point out that what would piss me off is that in the OP "The one kept on asking what she should bring, so I said oh just bring a bottle of wine." - if she had brought this much stuff without any previous discussion, I'd have thanked her profusely and felt bad for not having made the arrangements clearer.

But the friend had been told repeatedly that there was no need to bring food, and chose to ignore/overrule the host's plans. That's the kind of thing that would have pissed me off in this situation.

Flowers for the host/ess and a present for the baby are fine, but to ask repeatedly then ignore what you've been told is simply rude IMHO.

And I don't care if you do think I'm a grumpy-guts!

Wrennie · 27/05/2008 09:35

depends how she did it. If she walked into your house and just starting putting stuff out without asking, yep I'd be a tad annoyed. If she just handed you the stuff, no.

InTheDollshouse · 27/05/2008 09:40

YANBU.

Who brings quiche when they know that pizza is being served?

potoftea · 27/05/2008 09:45

Sparklyshoos, I can totally understand where you are coming from. You were the hostess and it seems that your friend didn't trust you to provide enough/nice food. That would annoy me very much.

If she'd brought a box of chocolates for you with the flowers that'd be fine, they're a gift for you to enjoy when they've left.
But bringing food to eat then and there is really bad manners and would be very insulting to me.

Baffy · 27/05/2008 09:53

Sounds very kind of her. But very OTT IMO. You'd told her not to bring anything a few times. The wine and flowers would have been a lovely thank you for inviting her round. The outfit for ds is a lovely thought and it's great that she wants to spoil him.

As for all the food, and to come in and start opening it all and putting it out - yes very OTT and YANBU.

I think it's the way she did it. Even if she'd have just handed the food over and let you as the hostess decide what to put out and when, then it may not have been so bad.

She does sound like a good friend in some ways. Very generous too. But perhaps not the most thoughtful or tactful friend in the world.
None of us are perfect though.

serendippity · 27/05/2008 10:17

I think it was a generous gesture from somone who thought you might need a bit of a hand...In fact i would probably do this I would be wondering round Tesco thikning i was being helpful, get home put stuff in a bag to take with me and THEN realise how much i had bought! I would take it and then be convinced i was being laughed at by everyone for the rest of the evening
I can understand how you feel as well tho, like it's a bit of a hint she didn't think you could cope?
Like someone else said, if she does do things alot to point out she's better at "doing" stuff than you, then YANBU.
If she is a good freind then, yes perhaps she was a little silly but YABU to be quite as annoyed as you are.

MrsCarrot · 27/05/2008 10:20

It is OTT really, if you said several times Not To Bring Anything then to arrive with nuts olives, quiche, wine, tart and a present for the baby is very generous but a little odd, and seen as there were only three of you, it possibly made your other friend feel a bit inadequate!

I wouldn't be upset or take it as an insult though, I would have just observed it and smiled and personally would have thought, bonus.

It depends what the rest of your relationship is like, if she is usually controlling then just put it down to her personality and if not, maybe she was trying to be kind and you should let it go.

serendippity · 27/05/2008 10:23

Btw, i don't think an outfit was OTT, i think that was just a nice thought- perhaps to thank you for the meal?
I've just read this back btw and i do think the Quiche and garlic bread were a bit unusual and possibly the tart, but the nibbles..hey you can NEVER have enough nibbles or wine

InTheDollshouse · 27/05/2008 12:36

Good point MrsCarrot, I bet the OP's other friend was feeling really awkward because she "only" brought a bottle of wine.

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