Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

[ThePunnyPeachPoet]

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

Yikes. Please seek help.

It was very clear from the start of Covid that it was dangerous for pregnant women.

The colleague could have phoned in sick or worked from home but she chose to come in and take no precautions to keep her germs away from her colleagues. She didn't cover her mouth and nose while coughing and sneezing so it was pretty inevitable that she would pass this on to her colleagues.

Reported

Why?? She’s talking about the woman who OP works with so why have you reported it??

This thread is crazy, one of the most unreasonable ive ever read. Maybe try investigating who gave covid to the co worker in the first place? Or track done covid patient zero and blame them? Because that's how ridiculous this is, OP is forgiven somewhat for thinking irrationally as she is grieving but people agreeing are only fuelling the fire. It's a chain of causation example, the end result and the cause are so remote with so many factors in the middle that the two cannot be linked.

Perhaps that post was reported because it was utterly uncalled for. It does not help the OP to talk about her colleague like that. People are wondering why some posters are not all out fuelling the OP's feeling of hatred in this way and it's because, again, it doesn't help the OP who is going through a terrible time. There is no question that coughing and sneezing without covering your mouth is gross and inconsiderate. The OP and the rest of her colleagues have every right to feel resentful of that. But that is where it ends. Beyond that, the OP has an irrational but understandable desire to distance herself from her manager. Encouraging the OP to pursue feelings of intense blame and hatred around her miscarriage will not absolve the OP of the equally irrational regret she is harbouring of not having moved or put on a mask or anything else she could have done. The simple fact is no one is to blame for this desperately sad and painful experience the OP is still trying to come to terms with. It is human nature to look for a cause and a figure of blame when something terrible happens but it hinders rather than helps in the long run. When someone is going through it, we can listen and understand, but joining in and fuelling is perpetuating the problem.

I really think we need to be more mindful of the tone when responding to someone who is clearly grieving and in pain.
Yes, nobody is saying the coworker intentionally caused the miscarriage — OP acknowledged multiple times that she knows it's not a simple cause-and-effect situation. But it’s also fair (and very human) to feel deep frustration when someone who could have worked from home chose instead to come in while visibly unwell — coughing, sneezing, spreading germs in a shared space — and then a terrible tragedy followed.
It’s not about blaming someone for OP’s "genetics" — it’s about recognising how vulnerable some people are in pregnancy (especially those with complex medical histories), and how utterly helpless it feels to be stuck next to someone who doesn’t take basic precautions.
OP is in the aftermath of a devastating loss. That’s not the time to debate immunology or make comparisons like "Covid was mild for me so it’s not a big deal." That minimises her experience and pain — and we can do better than that here.
Let’s offer her the space, compassion, and support she deserves.

Wow. The lack of empathy in some of these replies is... genuinely astonishing.
OP already acknowledged that her feelings are tangled up with grief and that she knows her anger isn't purely rational. She came here not to start a witch hunt, but to process a traumatic loss, in a situation where she felt physically vulnerable, emotionally raw, and professionally powerless.
This isn’t a court of law, and OP isn't trying to sue “Covid patient zero.” She's trying to make sense of an unbearable experience — one where someone with the privilege of working from home chose to come into the office visibly unwell and didn’t even attempt to cover her mouth when sneezing, in a shared, designated-desk space. That isn’t “chain of causation,” it’s just inconsiderate behavior with real-world consequences.
Grief is messy. Trauma does scramble logic. The only thing “crazy” here is expecting someone to suffer a miscarriage and then process it like a detached academic.
If you can’t offer kindness, maybe just offer silence. Because OP didn’t come here for a debate club — she came here for support.

I’m with you OP. Does she know now you miscarried. You should tell her if she’d WFH when sick instead of selfishly bringing her germs to work you might still be carrying your baby. Yes ask to wotk away from her.

I agree and while it might not be simple cause and effect , there is high degree of probability here that selfish idiotic germspraying woman caused this tragedy

It was intentional because manager has flex to WFH. She came in full of disease, which then spread, as disease is want to do.

Agree 100%

OP needs to take some time to get some distance … if she goes emotionally blaming and accusing & demanding at this work, she will not put herself in a good situation.

The situation will not be clear to others, others might not see the blame as clearly as OP thinks.

i do think she needs to change jobs as she is not likely to progress happily at this employer.

If you want to talk about "high degree of probability" that the OP's colleague caused the OP's miscarriage and that the OP should tell her that, then you need to provide the probability calculations. If you really think this is in the OP's interest, so much so that she should carry on thinking about this and even take it to HR, then give the OP the evidence she needs.

No I think any sensible person can work this out without doing a calculation.

You are not a sensible person.

And you are a naive person . I’m sensible enough to avoid others if I’m sick . OPs colleague chose not to be sensible and to be selfish instead

@ThisTicklishFatball I am by no means lacking empathy but I said the OP is being highly irrational due to her grief and I stand by it. You can be suffering and wrong at the same time. OP has posted that she loathes her worker, wants to throttle her, calls her a vile and a selfish scumbag. This is not an ok way to speak about a colleague, people shouldnt be egging her on. Where is the empathy for a person who made a mistake by coming into work when unwell? This woman is not a vile monster she just sneezed ffs, and she was stupid enough to not cover up in time, while in the company of someone who chose to conceal their pregnancy. To say she is responsible for a MC is ridiculous and it will not help OP one bit to process her loss.

Equally
OP
chose to not take responsibility for her own health. She just sat there.

She could have spoken up, it would not have cost her anything to say.

1. You sound really ill and possibly contagious, I can’t afford to get sick …. I would like to move away from this area.
2. decided to wear a mask, hand gel etc

.

OP needs to also consider there could be other causes of miscarriage. In a court of law, given the evidence and even with an expert witness …. No one will definitively know or prove why. OP could have picked up some other bug at Tesco, maybe other cause entirely ….

Hating on this woman isn’t go to change anything, she really didn’t cause your miscarriage. Leaving your home caused it as exposed you to numerous potential causes.

please know that early bleeding is a risk factor for later miscarriage,

Quit, move on.

You’re absolutely right that grief can make people think and feel irrationally — OP herself said exactly that. But that doesn’t mean her pain should be picked apart like it’s a courtroom testimony. This isn’t about assigning legal blame — it’s about validating the emotions of someone who’s just been through a devastating loss under incredibly distressing circumstances.
You're asking where the empathy is for the coworker — and I’d gently say: maybe the more urgent question right now is where’s the empathy for the woman who lost her baby?
Nobody said the coworker was a “vile monster” — OP did, in her own words, in the middle of raw, bleeding grief. Those words are a reflection of trauma, not of her character. She isn’t “being egged on” — she’s being comforted, and gently reminded she’s not alone.
Telling someone who’s miscarried in awful circumstances that their feelings are ridiculous and their pain is unreasonable? That’s not going to “help them process their loss” either.
You can acknowledge someone made a poor decision (coming in sick, when they didn’t have to), and also acknowledge that the grief and anger it triggered in OP is valid. Empathy doesn’t run out just because we don’t like the shape grief takes.
Let’s not confuse “being right” with being kind.

I think it’s really important we recognise the difference between processing trauma and assigning legal liability — because OP isn’t suing anyone. She’s grieving. She’s angry. She’s trying to make sense of a devastating and frightening experience.
Yes, it’s true that we may never know exactly what caused the miscarriage — OP has acknowledged that multiple times. But to say “she just sat there” and imply this is somehow her fault for not masking up or demanding to be moved — while she was still early in a probationary role, hadn’t disclosed her pregnancy, and was sitting next to someone more senior — feels incredibly unfair.
Telling someone they should have done XYZ in hindsight after a traumatic event isn’t helpful. It’s Monday-morning quarterbacking — and in this case, it leans perilously close to victim-blaming.
And let’s be honest — the idea that “leaving her house caused the miscarriage” isn’t a helpful or compassionate take. It’s reductive. She had to leave the house — to work, in person, every day. She didn’t have the luxury of choice that her coworker did.
No one is saying the coworker did it on purpose. But the entire point here is that OP felt trapped, scared, and unprotected in an environment where a visibly unwell colleague didn’t take basic precautions, and that was followed by deep personal loss. That trauma is real, and it’s not “healed” by being told to “move on.”
Empathy isn’t about assigning blame — it’s about making room for someone’s pain, even when it’s messy and emotional. That’s all OP was asking for here.

Exactly! But also , while this couldn’t be proven in a court of law as the other PP said, we can all still make a logical deduction that the germ spreading co worker likely IS to blame. It’s not at all a stretch to think this.

“Empathy for the germ spreading co worker?!” Who chose to come to office while sick ? Insinuating that OP is partially at fault for “concealing her pregnancy“ ?!
there are some “crimes” that aren’t legally defined but we can still pass our own judgement on the balance of probability that her co worker is a selfish idiot who is blameworthy.

Nobody said the coworker was a “vile monster” — OP did, in her own words, in the middle of raw, bleeding grief. Those words are a reflection of trauma, not of her character. She isn’t “being egged on” — she’s being comforted, and gently reminded she’s not alone.

A number of posters have spoken about the colleague in far worse terms, actually. Others have suggested she ought to be told what she ‘did’ to ‘shoulder some of the consequences’.

This goes beyond empathy for the op, whose feelings we can all understand. These posters sound like they have a screw loose, frankly.