Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

[ThePunnyPeachPoet]

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

"Some people learnt nothing from Covid"... this applies also to people who don't say, I am in touch with vulnerable people, I need to sit away from you if you are not wearing a mask while you are coughing and sneezing, it's nothing personal. Or make up any excuse and get out of there. This is why 'blame' is such a bad idea. It's not going to help the OP.

As someone who had 2nd semester losses I deeply empathise with you @ThePunnyPeachPoet. I am sorry. Xx

I am so very sorry for your loss, this happened to a close relative and she never found out the reason despite many medical follow ups.

I don't know if these people might be able to help support you, https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Sending you very best thoughts and wishes for happier times ahead.

I am so sorry for your loss OP & your feelings are valid & understandable. I agree your colleague should not have gone into work with such a dreadful virus. If there is anything at all to say in her defence & its difficult, the fact is she didn't know you were pregnant & given you did know there was the option to feign illness & go home. This is probably the last thing you want to read but it may help you to look at the bigger picture & understand although this was a terrible thing to happen to you nobody was 100% to blame. Covid took so much away from so many. It was a devastating time which has had long lasting repercussions in so many ways for everyone affected.

I hope in time & when you feel ready you will go on to have a successful pregnancy.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to share that I also had a loss following years of infertility and endometriosis and it was devastating...then had an unexpected pregnancy 3 months later. Life can be very cruel but don't lose hope.

I really wish you all the best luck, it sounds like you need some more time off from work to process everything you've gone through.

That is just awful. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Your anger is completely valid. If you are staying at your current job, you'll need to find ways of dealing with it without it affecting your future in the company. Do you have an Employee Support programme? You can talk to someone about what's happened and perhaps get some counselling to help you process what has happened.

Sending you big hugs ♥️

I don't understand all the posts saying it's not this woman's fault. She was irresponsible and selfish. I would let her know and hopefully make her feel guilty enough so that she never does anything like that again to anyone else.

I’m truly sorry for your loss.
What you’ve been through is devastating, and the situation makes it even harder. Your emotions—grief, anger, helplessness, and the sense of injustice—are completely valid.
While your coworker may not have intended harm, her decision to come to the office visibly unwell was irresponsible and inconsiderate, especially since she could have worked from home.
You didn’t have the chance to protect yourself or your baby, leaving you unfairly trapped in that situation.
Now, as you recover from both the illness and a heartbreaking miscarriage, being expected to sit next to someone who may have contributed to this is an unreasonable ask.
You’re not a bully for wanting to move seats. You’re prioritizing your mental health, managing trauma, and staying functional at work. It’s about survival, not revenge. After such a painful experience, it’s natural for being near her to trigger you.
If you can, consider talking to HR or a trusted manager. Explain that sitting beside her is emotionally difficult due to recent events. You don’t need to share every detail, just enough for them to understand. A supportive workplace should accommodate this, considering the toll it’s taken on you.
You’re not weak or overreacting—you’re grieving and doing your best to cope. Please be kind to yourself. Sending love and strength—you deserve care and understanding.

I am very sorry for your loss
the question you asked was was it reasonable for you to ask your work to separate you - I would definately talk to your hr contact about options. No harm in doing that - especially if you are thinking of moving jobs anyway they might have free therapy sessions you can access.

This. And I’d go further. Ask to be separated from her and put in a grievance. Tell the organisation what you were advised by your medical professionals. The organisation should be telling any employee that can work from home to do so if they are unwell. They are risking the health (and potentially additional sick leave from the company’s perspective) of other employees and their relatives, by allowing sick people who do not need to be there to come into work.

I’m so so sorry this happened to you OP.

op I’m so sad reading your post. How devastating to lose this long awaited precious pregnancy. I’m hoping you conceive again very soon.

a viral infection in early pregnancy is very dangerous to the baby(fetus not sure of the correct term to use here) I absolutely feel the infection/ the fever /the viral illness could have precipitated the miscarriage. Did you get it from her? Not sure but not an unreasonable feeling in this situation .

I too could not reconcile my miscarriage with her selfish inconsiderate behavior. I would look for work elsewhere because I know she would always always trigger me and I would be unable to properly grieve due to my anger towards her.

Take time to heal and don’t lose hope. Your baby is not here yet but soon. ❤️

This is devastating. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I've put a very gentle YABU, because she didn't know you were pregnant or concerned about illness, and it is quite normal to go into work if unwell but able to.
However this is a horrendous situation and I can understand why you don't want to be near her.
In your situation I would be looking to change jobs so you don't have to see her again as it's going to be a trigger for your trauma.

As a slightly separate thing, I had a very high risk pregnancy and got very unwell with covid during it whilst at risk of preterm labour after having medication to stop me dilating further, but that pregnancy went to term, whereas I lost another pregnancy when I was completely healthy.
The body will generally prioritise the baby over the mothers health (consider how even women starving and unwell without medical treatment carry pregnancies, and prior to medication hyperemesis would kill women rather than causing miscarriage) and many women miscarry whilst completely healthy due to chromosome issues or similar.
Were you able to have tests to check if there was a cause with the development or chromosome difference?

Op, you’re on probation… how long have you been there?

in your shoes, if I liked the job and wanted to stay, I would wait until if passed my probation before asking for this.

Sorry. I misread you post.

I’m sorry for your loss and people should absolutely be as hygienic as possible at work and wfh if possible if they are ill.

However, I don’t think this thread is helpful in fuelling your hatred towards her. Women do not stay in healthy bubbles whilst pregnant, loads of women get really ill when pregnant and do not go on to miscarry. I had the most awful chest infection in my first pregnancy and did not miscarry. I, and plenty of other women, will catch colds and viruses and not miscarry.

She probably gave you the virus, that is clear and maybe it contributed, it’s also quite possible that it didn’t contribute, it could have been nothing to do with it and you could have miscarried anyway. You are angry and want someone to blame, I get it, but other people do not stop living their lives when you are pregnant, illnesses go around, especially around offices and these illnesses do not typically cause miscarriage.

You could benefit from grief counselling. I wish you all the best in having a baby.

You may struggle to catch on while you’re so full of anger. I think you should try & find a new job. I wish you peace.

Sorry for your loss, OP.
I hope you continue to recover from the virus.
I do think it would be worth talking to HR about sickness policy and reminding staff about taking measures to avoid spreading bugs, staying away when ill (taking sick days if too ill or unable to wfh). Also we have just got some souped up air filters in our office which are meant to purify the air. I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a stash of wipes etc at your desk and a mask so that if someone did come in with a noticeable bug in future you could take some steps. Or to step away yourself.

I do think blaming your colleague for your miscarriage is unfair. She didn't know you were pregnant and you don't know that the virus caused it.

That is absolutely horrendous I’m so sorry.

In your situation I don’t think I could even face walking into that office again let alone working alongside someone like that.

This really annoys me, it annoyed me before Covid but it annoys me even more now. It’s like after everything we went through no one has learnt anything. It’s simple if you’re sick work from home if you can, cough into your hand or elbow, wash your hands and keep your distance. A illness that might be an inconvenience for one person might be catastrophic for someone who is vulnerable, has someone at home on chemo or who is looking after elderly relatives. It’s not up to people to share their vulnerabilities with people around them, but it is up to people who are sick to be considerate of others.

In my opinion you should speak to HR about a general concern you have about office health and safety, under the health and safety at work act 1974 every colleague is responsible for their own and protecting others health and safety, this colleague had no regard for anyone’s health and safety around her and regardless of the unfortunate consequences in this case should be spoken to as a matter of course anyway just like she would if she was behaving in other reckless ways. I would bring up the miscarriage with HR and explain that you can’t be sure because miscarriage can be caused by a number of things but in all likelihood it was caused by the inflammation as a result if the illness. They will take the matter very seriously because they had a duty of care to you regardless of them knowing about your pregnancy and did not do everything reasonably practicable to prevent harm to you and are therefore liable.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It must be utterly heartbreaking.

Your colleague is extremely selfish and I think you are justified feeling as you do. It’s incredibly selfish to bring a highly contagious virus into work whether or not anyone else might be vulnerable as who wants to catch that? Plus her behaviour in not doing anything to keep the germs to herself is revolting.

I’m not sure what you can say to your managers re keeping away from her but I would definitely explain. It sounds like you could do with being signed off for a while.

I’m very sorry for your loss op. I suffer from endometriosis so I have some understanding of the misery it causes. I understand how devastating your miscarriage was and really feel for you.

However. I think you are grieving and therefore your thoughts processes are not objective or rational atm, and that you are in danger of harming your career if you bring this situation up with management or your colleague. HR would ask for proof and you don’t have it. And I don’t think it would be fair to your colleague to blame her for something that may not be her fault.

Sorry to be so blunt but you can’t know for sure that your colleague was the cause of this virus. Viruses like this are often most contagious way before symptoms are present, so germs are spread days before anyone is aware they are ill, and you could just have easily caught it on your commute or in the supermarket doing your weekly shop.

I think the real problem is that you have returned to work too soon. In your shoes op, I would go to your doctor and say you need some more more time off work. And during that time I would go away on holiday for a week to somewhere you haven’t visited before to allow you to completely relax, and also I would arrange to see a bereavement counsellor on your return. 💐

This lady was entitled to live her life as normal but should have done so in a safe and healthy way, the fact of whether she knows about people’s vulnerabilities around her should make no difference to how she behaves at work. So still living her life means still working but keeping her distance and coughing and sneezing into an elbow, and even better working from home. She has not abided by the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974 and the business have not taken reasonable practicable steps to prevent work place illnesses.

The reason it’s a problem and why there are stringent health and safety requirements at work compared to other public places is because a vulnerable person does not have a choice to leave an office like they could do a cinema or supermarket if someone us ill around them and the OP does not have the ability to work from home so she had no ability to protect herself, the only people who could protect her were her work colleague and her workplace and they failed to do so.

Yes she could have got ill at any time throughout the pregnancy that is true and it could be from anywhere but there was a clear lack of protection of others health and safety from work colleagues here and a lack of reasonably practicable steps from her employer to prevent workplace illnesses, which meant she received a large viral load over an extended period of time from someone who was in very close range.

This is not an issue of hatred towards this woman, moving desks, whether the OP is right to be angry or whether someone was considerate or not, it’s a legal issue now and it should be left with HR to resolve this. The OP can leave it in their capable hands and thus let go of anger because someone else can deal with this properly on her behalf. I’m very sure HR will be taking the issue incredibly seriously once they know about it.

I think the problem with this thread, or any thread regarding catching an illness, it's that it attracts all the irrational hypochondriacs, germophobes and OCDers that feel entitled to demand the world is ordered around their irrational fears.

Getting ill and catching minor ailments is part of the human condition. It can't be avoided and, for otherwise healthy people, shouldn't be avoided. Our immune systems benefit from a regular workout.

My wife is a teacher and we have young children. We have her school, our children's school, my commute and get commute spreading germs and infections to our family. If we shutdown our lives every time we got a minor illness, we'd never leave the house.

Expecting the whole of society to pander to the demands of those with 'health anxiety' is completely unreasonable.

The OP has been through an awful experience, but some of the responses on this thread are bonkers. The coworker hasn't really done anything wrong.

I don’t share your confidence. HR are far more worried about attendance management than they are about people passing on colds and OP hadn’t informed them of her pregnancy.

I’m not arguing but I am genuinely interested if there is a single publicised case of a work place being held accountable for colds/cold like viruses being passed around.

I've stated YANBU for wanting to sit away from her. People do stupid things all the time but it's not healthy to be so angry at her. I'd kindly suggest you seek a bereavement counsellor who specializes in miscarriage and fertility, and potentially take more time off if you're struggling to be professional at work.

I know what you’re saying and it may be a sad fact of workplaces today, however I would hope they would be concerned about this. They may not understand the full ramifications it could have on their business, but HSE would certainly know. They may not be concerned about the inconvenience of colds passing on usually, but the nature of this case would be cause for concern for any business. How far each business would take it I don’t know but they would be concerned for sure.

It is a shame the OP didn’t notify of the pregnancy earlier as their would be far more liability in this case, but there still is liability there.

What I’m saying is there’s no point in the OP being angry or worrying about sitting near the person etc., because as soon as HSE/ HR hear about this, it will be there problem to worry about sort and something most likely will be sorted out, even if it’s just a desk move but I would think it would be more than that!