Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

[ThePunnyPeachPoet]

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

I send so many sympathies to you and love your way. But I do think you’re being unreasonable and basically blaming her for the loss of your baby. I worked in an office and I remember turning up to work basically on my death bed because I couldn’t afford to have days off (I lived by myself on the outskirts of London. With one wage I couldn’t afford any days off). Plus I had a low immune system, my work would berate me for having constant days off so I had no other choice than to go in

This Is real life, so many people experience it where you just ‘get on with it’. The sad thing is, even if you didn’t get sick from your coworker you could have gone into a supermarket and picked up a bug, public transport, even a pharmacy. You can’t hate one person when she didn’t intentionally do anything wrong.

No you are not responsible for anyone else. Its up to other people to remove themselves from situations if they don't feel safe.
I'm responsible for me and my kids and no one else. That might come across as selfish but I can't control anyone else

Some of us learned that saying locked away at home doesn’t actually help in the long run. If it did, there wouldn’t have been so many deaths from covid.

In a public space setting that is correct but as an employee of a workplace you are obliged to be responsible for your own and other people’s health and safety. This is why one can be disciplined for unsafe acts at work such as not wearing PPE for example.

This is obviously more of a grey area and no one can say for sure that the illness caused the unfortunate result as well so it’s tricky.

Hi all, I haven’t gone in today. Funnily enough I came down with horrendous tooth pain overnight so seeing an emergency dentist this afternoon so signed off sick. Maybe it’s stress related and my body’s way of telling me to not go in.

The Mirror Crack'd

I came to say exactly this. The Mirror Crak´d.
So, so selfish of her. I think I would change jobs too, op, I totally get what you are saying.

I think this anyone would feel this way .. look after you you matter in this more than anyone .
You and your partner/husband matter.
Take time just for you xx

I think that tooth ache is a blessing in disguise!

Take time out today and then don’t worry about this and about your job and who you sit with, raise it with HR and HSE when you’re next back at work and let them worry about it and get you into a safer seat in the office and sort things out for you at work.

In regards to your emotions, anyone would be feeling like you are especially after 3 years of trying as well so maybe speak to a sympathetic ear, perhaps HR can get you in contact with a counsellor or someone.

Op when you say you’re on probation… how long have you been there?

Sorry for your loss. Being angry won't help you heal though x

You are grieving and are entitled to take time off if you need to. Re long term situation is more tricky tho.

You may need to look
For another job but bear in mind where ever you work you will come across these people. I walked out of a coffee shop last week as the women in front was coughing all over the counter. When it's someone you know or see tho it's harder to be rational. Particularly when something happens down the road that really affected you.

I would definitely approach your gp for support or pay for private services so you can work this through and talk to your HR or line manager. It's a bereavement and needs to be taken seriously. Xxx

Tooth pain may be because you are clenching your teeth/grinding teeth at night because you are stressed about this woman.

So sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable to basically blame her for your loss.

"I walked out of a coffee shop last week as the women in front was coughing all over the counter. When it's someone you know or see tho it's harder to be rational."

That is irrational behaviour.

At this point I have to think the coworker is one of the people in this thread. All other things being equal, she probably got sick from the coworker who came in visibly ill that same week and made not the faintest effort to protect anyone else in the office. And the miscarriage probably had something to do with her becoming deathly ill at the same time.

Everything this coworker did is aggressively selfish. She chose to come in sick on more than one occasion when she had the option of working from home. Then she failed to show the basic courtesy one would expect even from a child who was ill around others, let alone a 50 something year old woman.

And you excuse all this vile behavior, but somehow asking to switch seats is an overreaction?

But even if the colleague passed on the illness, it’s not her fault that OP has a weak immune system and is more susceptible to serious illness. Most people wouldn’t associate Covid with miscarriage - I had Covid and it was like a cold. I wasn’t seriously unwell and was working (albeit from home as this was 2021) throughout it.

You can’t transpose blame on the colleague for OP’s genetics I’m afraid.

I think I understand it. There are vile, gaslighting bullies on this site who swoop down like vampire bats on anyone that shows the slightest vulnerability.

It is absolutely vile gaslighting and bullying to accuse the ops coworker of being responsible for her losing her baby because she came into work sick. It hasn’t even been definitively proven that was the reason. Op could definitely find herself in some HR hot water if she goes down that track. Poor form everyone on this thread winding the op up further when she is grieving.

I think the best thing you can do is find another job. What happened is awful but she wasn’t to know you were pregnant.

No one should have needed Covid to realise & KNOW that open mouth coughing & sneezing or even into your hand &/or leaving used tissues around is a health hazard, my child & pupils as young as 7 (in my school) know this, it's up there with washing your hands & to a lesser extent chewing with your mouth open, it's disgudting, surely they're just basic levels of sanitation?

Sorry not trying to derail my mind is just blown at this mentality

Has covid taught these types of idiots nothing? If you're unwell and coughing & sneezing, and obviously infectious STAY THE FUCK AT HOME!

No you're not unreasonable to be unhappy with her.

It's a horrible situation but this is misplaced anger and I think you are being very unreasonable. Yes she could have worked from home, but she chose not to for her own reasons. Just like you chose to not disclose your pg or to wear a mask or pause work to sanitise. You have no idea why the MC happened it's almost always that the foetus is incompatible with life and there isn't a thing you could have done differently to prevent it. Blaming your co worker is a very big reach and unfair.

Even if you hadn't been pregnant, the fact that the idiot came into work ill and made you and goodness knows who else unwell, is enough to despise her for her stupidity.

You poor darling. I am so sorry. You have every right to be angry.

I don’t think you can realistically work with this woman any more, she is a constant reminder of the trauma of losing your baby.

I wish you all the best.