Loathe my coworker, can I asked to be separated from her so I don’t lose my shit

[ThePunnyPeachPoet]

I have severe endometriosis and it took me and my partner 3 years to get pregnant. Got declined NHS IVF due to partner having a child from previous relationship. In process of saving up for private IVF we got pregnant naturally, which was a miracle as my inside have been essentially decimated by my endometriosis.

Had a bleeding scare at 7 weeks but in the end were assured it was normal and just things “settling” so to speak. Pregnancy was going well. Had a lovely textbook 12-weeks scan, healthy beautiful looking baby. We finally dared to dream we’d actually get a baby.

At 13 weeks pregnant, my coworker who I sat next to every day at work came in on the Monday extremely ill. Constant sniffing, complaining about brain fog and stomach issues, headaches, coughing and sneezing green mucus. I was on edge all day and worried about catching her virus, unfortunately working from home isn’t an option for me (entry level role) and it’s designated desks with no office space so I wasn’t able to ask a manager to let me move away from her. She was coughing, sneezing, not covering her mouth. At several occasions she sneezed without covering her mouth and droplets landed on my work equipment, I saw them. It’s a busy job with constant phone calls so I couldn’t always clean up straight away. I was so on edge and wanted to say something but couldn’t as I’m weak I suppose and she is one of the staff I report to. On the Wednesday she mentioned her daughter who is a nurse worked on a dementia ward and there was an outbreak of a bad virus and she mentioned that her daughter had probably given it to her. I was terrified for my baby. I didn’t want to disclose pregnancy this early as I’m still in probation period.

By the Friday I had the illness and it hit me like a truck. I couldn’t move, felt like I was going to pass out every time I got out of bed and could only eat grapes (I hadn’t had pregnancy aversions prior so I think it was the the virus). Had D+V, brain fog, general weakness. Temperature switching between low and hot. Ended up referred to A&E at one point by 111 for low body temp. Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid. At one point I had a fall when stood at the sink brushing my teeth. I was like this for a 4 days, I still have the virus now as it’s lingering, it’s been weeks, gradually improving.

On the Sunday after I came down with it (still very ill) I woke up and my sore boobs that I’d had throughout the pregnancy had gone and I had a terrible gut feeling. I miscarried at home on the Monday. I don’t want to go too much into the miscarriage but it was horrendous, I was and still am broken. The staff I saw at the hospital said it could be just one of those things but did say also that my inflammation, infection, blood cell and stress markers were high and someone from the pregnancy unit did confirm it is possible my body couldn’t cope with fighting the virus and maintaining the pregnancy at the same time so may have terminated the pregnancy.

This was all a few weeks ago, I was able to take 2 weeks off work. When I went back the coworker was on annual leave. I saw her for the first time yesterday and I am so so angry at her. I know logically it’s not her fault, and she didn’t know I was pregnant, but I can help but think of her as a selfish scumbag for coming in knowing she was so ill. The real kicker is that she is my superior and the nature of her role means she is allowed to work from home whenever she likes, she chooses to come in for a ocial interaction. The first day I saw her I wanted to throttle her to be honest, of course I wouldn’t actually do anything. When she was ill she was so fucking casual about it, laughing etc about how she feels like death. Other coworkers are carers etc for ill relatives, I can’t help but think she’s fucking vile. I know I’m being irrational because of the miscarriage but I can’t bear her fucking face.

Today I’ve also been struggling to function next to her. I’ve been given extra rest breaks etc by management as they know of my situation but I am genuinely wondering whether to ask if I can be separated from her if I explain why. Would I be considered a bully if I requested this? I’m really struggling.

Oh @ThePunnyPeachPoet I am so angry for you as well.
There’s a lot of grief to process here, and it is going to take a long time to recover, both physically and mentally.
I am extremely angry with your colleague; your reaction to not want to work with her again is understandable.
She was an arsehole for spreading that damn virus about.
I gently ask that you do speak to management; the culture of coming into work when ill has got to change. We are not in Victorian times anymore.
This has had a devastating effect on your personal life, and that of your partner.
Please get as much support as you can, from loved ones, good friends, and perhaps professionally should you require to.
It will be a difficult journey, but it can be done. I know you will smile again. And laugh. And love.
But you won’t feel any of this right now.

Hold on tight, be ever so gentle with yourself, I wish you well. 💐

Totally understand your feelings you are by far not a bully just for wanting to not work with her or be around her.
You are trying to come to terms with losing your baby this is huge and your anger will be vented somewhere she is a trigger it's very understandable.
She should of been mindful in not passing on her virus, if someone was sneezing by me , I'd tell them straight to get out my space its disgusting.
Be kind to you and give yourself time to grieve for your baby big hugs xx

I’m really sorry you’ve been through this x

I think you've every reason to feel aggrieved. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss, but I doubt that you have a valid complaint against her. The only valid aspect is that she wasn’t following proper hygiene practices.

I’m just trying to gauge how your employer may respond to your complaint. It would have been better had you raised your concerns on the day, as she will likely deny her behaviour now especially if she is accused of causing a miscarriage.

I know you have strong feelings but you state that your miscarriage was because your body couldn’t handle being unwell and pregnant - that cannot be attributed to her. I doubt they will remove her from her role in relation to you over this as your complaint wouldn’t be upheld.

So you can complain and hope the business sees that it is impossible for you both to work together regardless of it being upheld. But as it’s an entry level role and she’s your supervisor, you don’t have much power. I therefore think you risk being managed out…

What you might want to do instead is take some extended time off work due to the miscarriage and maybe spend that time applying for other jobs if you feel able to. You might also want to see if your employer can allocate you to a different role within the company, when you return to work and base it more around your wellbeing as opposed to the dynamics.

Got a home Covid test which did confirm Covid.

did your colleague have Covid? Cause if she did, it might be more traceable back to her.

A lot of people don’t test for covid anymore, so there is a chance she would say she didn’t have covid and therefore didn’t cause your illness.

Just wanted to send some love and hugs your way OP, I know it wasn’t what you asked for but I would feel the same as you do so can’t really offer any good advice! I have adenomyosis and stage 4 endometriosis too, riddled with it. I’m very lucky to have DS now, but had 3 miscarriages before and 1 after. I really hope it happens for you next time, if you decide to try again, and hope you have plenty of people you can lean on in real life too xxx

Tell her what she did snd then ask your boss to move you.

I think you need to be careful not to misplace anger here. It’s incredibly unlikely anyone could confirm there was a link. Suggest it perhaps, but confirming is incredibly unlikely without extremely detailed and rigorous testing. You’ve had a history of difficulties in conceiving and it’s just as likely this was sadly not going to be a viable pregnancy but as I said, I think it’s important to be careful not to misplace feelings of anger and to look for someone to blame as it could develop into much deeper resentment and is unlikely to end well.

You're not a nutter at all. Take your time to figure what will be best for you x

If you really are in the position not to work for a while, then this is the option i would take if I were you. It is totally understandable that you can't bear to be around this woman, that the associations are just too strong and too powerful for you right now, and that may never change. If we're honest, it probably won't. If you really went down the 'who is to blame for this?' path, you will eventually end up having to think about your own response. She behaved as she did, you behaved as you did. Neither of you are to blame for your miscarrriage and it is certainly out of the question for you to take this to her. I absolutely think you should prioritise your wellbeing and give yourself some time to breathe and grieve. You will get through this.

You didn't say anything, and sadly, given the timing and nature of thing the virus you caught was unlikely to be related to your loss. I'm really sorry you went through this, but your co-worker is not to blame. It's just an unfair and rubbish situation. I wish you the best of luck for the future.

I would speak to HR and ask to be separated both physically and managerially.

You will never know for sure what happened, but your anger is understandable. People who knowingly spread infectious diseases are bad people. They don’t stop to consider just how many fragile people or close relatives of fragile people must participate in society.

In would also ask your workplace to review their guidance on attendance while sick. Mine has a strict ban on building entry while knowingly contagious. They have a generous wfh policy so that is not a burden.

If you are going to quit anyway you might as well complain about her and ask to move or wfh. Worst case scenario is you leave.

You've suffered an enormous loss and quite rightly want to find out why it happened and who was responsible. Any mother would want the same, I know I would.

The harsh truth is you can never know one way or another if you caught the virus from your colleague or if the illness was the cause of the miscarriage. You can fervently believe it and there's obviously a chance that things happened as you believe but you will never know for sure.

I would try not to think about the would've, should've, could've of the situation which is easier said than done. It's a train of thought that just feeds on itself and is quite destructive. Should she have come in to work knowing she was sick?, would she have if you'd let people know you were pregnant? Again you will never know.

If it were me I would do what I had to to remove myself from the situation, you still feel what you have every right to feel and seeing her is making you feel bad. I'd either leave and find something new or speak to someone at work, explain what's happening and see if you can be moved elsewhere.

I am truely sorry for your loss.

Well I think it was a very irresponsible thing for someone to tell you: "a healthy pregnancy will hold on 'through fire, famine and flood'", when healthy babies do miscarry, e.g. when the mother is involved in a car accident, fall down the stairs, domestic violence. There absolutely are external factors that cause miscarriage to healthy pregnancies, and your Consultant, whilst trying to make you feel better, was pretty darn unprofessional by saying that, and you for posting it on here.

You say you've known two people with Covid during pregnancies who didn't lose their babies, yet there are at least two people who had Covid during their pregnancies on this thread who did. Your anecdotes are not evidence that this colleague was not to blame by giving the pregnant OP Covid.

It's really sad you lost your baby, I'm so sorry.

It's terribly unfortunate that she came into work that sick and passed it on.

If I was her I'd feel appalling about the whole situation. I don't really know how to get through this but if it's too upsetting to be near her I wouldn't blame you. Is there any chance of a transfer to another team, or a WFH role?

To be fair, neither are your anecdotes about those that did. The great majority of miscarriages occur for unknown and unknowable reasons. Perhaps we shouldn't discuss it on the thread of someone in such acute pain.

Depending on the company can you look for a sideways move, alternative team at the same grade, or something?

Realistically your pregancy loss is not her fault, but I can understand why you can't be around her. Best of luck for the future.

It’s awful because I have to go in tomorrow and I will see her and the thought makes me feel ill tbh. I will be having a 1-1 with her to discuss one of the clients I’ve been dealing with and I’m dreading it. I can see myself snapping at any negative feedback

I would have been cross. I’m immunocompromised and people just don’t think. We have a WFH option and people will drag themselves in and then say they have tonsillitis etc, I get it and end up in sickness meetings because of my time off
I WFH FT now because despite management pleading with people not to come in unwell and just to WFH, they still do

The workplace was a good opportunity and they are big on development from entry-level, that’s why I joined them in the first place. But as I said, development plans would directly involve her. I despise her, I really think it may be best to just walk away.

i promise I am usually a rational, sane and normal person. I’ve worked with vulnerable adults for years, recently did a career move to something more corporate. Have a degree, friends, healthy relationship etc. but this has broken me. I feel as though I hate her

I'm very sorry for your loss op. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and felt it was caused by a colleague coincidentally. I worked on a hospital ward as a care assistant and was meant to be on light duties but the nurse in charge wouldn't help me. I ended up doing all the bed baths on my own and that night lost my baby.

Grief does strange things to you. I was quite angry with her for a long time. But much much later reasoned quite a lot of miscarriages happen at 12-13 weeks and if it had been viable, it wouldn't have happened.

Im glad I said nothing at the time at work. I never liked this person but I kept that to myself.

Take some time off to come to terms with your loss.

She’s not my direct manager/Team Leader so she isn’t aware of the circumstances but she’s in Training and Development and supports the entry level people of our department. No avoiding her really.

My God OP, I don't have any advice but that is just awful. I'm so sorry. I'd loathe her too.